Insight

Here's a story from my youth that will help you understand how I deal with unwelcome change or conflict.

My brother was born when I was 2 and 1/2 years old. I don't remember any of it, but I'm sure my parents prepared me for it in some way: "soon you'll be a big sister!" or "mama's going to have a baby and you'll meet him soon, are you excited?" That kind of thing.

When my grandparents took me to meet him at the hospital, I walked into the room, glanced at my mom (or so I'm told), and walked straight to the window. I stared down at Chicago for an hour before they pulled me down and I was made to look at all his cheeks for the first time. I don't know what I was thinking at the time. Probably I had put him so completely out of my mind that I had forgotten why I was even there.

Commas

I can sense myself using too many commas lately. It's pissing me off.

Antidisestablishmentarianism

Well, my computer isn't underlining the above word with red, so I guess I spelled it right. On the first try, too!

I got online because I wanted to check and see if Fidel really did JUST hand over power to little bro Raul, because I seem to have memories of this trade-off occurring months ago. Maybe everyone's freaking out because they're just now realizing The Insanity here. I mean, sure, Raul's like...what, 6 years younger than you, fine. That's kind of a lot. WHEN YOU'RE IN 6th GRADE. 6 years ain't SHIT when the younger person in the situation is 76. SEVENTY SIX! People who are 76 have been retired for like 11 years! They don't START working, for god's sake! They FINISH working! They place blankets over their laps and get driven back and forth to bingo in the back of a big, shiny, boat of a Mercedes, and then they have a glass of warm milk at 4 and then off to bed!
I mean, that's how I imagine an old person's life going. Fine. That's how I think it should be.

Trying to be Diplomatic

Okay, now we're going to make a compliment sandwich, where I tell you something I like about you, and then I tell you something you can work on, and then I tell you something else I like about you! Here we go.

Compliment: I think your Russian babies are cute!
Thing you can work on: CONTROL THEM OR LOSE THEM. Screaming "be quiet! Be QUIET!" in general does not count as control.
Compliment: You bring a human and understandable face to modern mothering: "sometimes I wish they would never speak again until they turn 25." I cheer. Inwardly.

One thing about LA

Is that you have to be really ON YOUR SHIT when you're driving, I mean really utterly in control of your vehicle, because if you're not...consequences will be wrought. Once I was slow driving through an intersection after a red light and a mob with pitchforks and flaming torches formed behind me. Seriously, people die every day because of shit like that. And you better be thankful that nobody just drove over you with their Hummer.

Dragging

I'm so tired, y'all. I spent the whole day struggling to focus on anything, and now I'm here, sitting in front of the computer, fighting sleep only because I haven't washed my face yet and that's unacceptable. And yet, I can't make myself get out of bed to do it, so...here I am. Exhausted and Unwashed. I should go to the Statue of Liberty. Cruise around Ellis Island. WAH!

In other news, YAO MING, YAO MING YAO MING YAO MING...YAO MING! YAO MING! I'm sorry you broke your leg. BUT! You did marry the tallest woman in the world. You guys, watch the Ming family. It's evolution at work. Yao and his wife will spawn 7 foot babies, who will become pro-athletes like their parents (long jump/ basketball/ vault) and make billions of dollars. And then slowly short people will cease to exist! I can't draw you a diagram. My theory gets kinda fuzzy in the middle there.

Ugh, that's enough. Face time.

LipDub - Flagpole Sitta

Okay guys, I know. Lots of movies today. But I really liked them! I should have more goalless days on the computer - I find so many things that make me happy. Even though I have been here for 6 hours now...Anyway, this video was made by the people at Connected Ventures (Vimeo, CollegeHumor, Busted Tees, Defunker) one night after work. I remember doing this exact same thing (sans camcorder) in high school, to the same song.


Lip Dub - Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger from amandalynferri on Vimeo

Doesn't that just take you back??

Holy Crap!

I am speechless. Doesn't this just make you wanna procreate?!

AMY SEDARIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, so...I know this is a commercial. But doesn't it just look like a little piece of visual cake that you could just cut up and eat for breakfast?

Dreamy

Wouldn't it be just grand if sushi places delivered? I have half a mind to go pick some up right now. It would be just a quick walk from my apartment. But I haven't showered yet, and while sometimes that isn't a problem, today it very much is. Part of me luxuriates in the sheer indolence of my weekend, but I also wish I had gotten up at 10am and done something productive, like gone to a museum or walked down Melrose Ave and looked in all the tiny shops and found treasures. I could have done any of those things by myself, but I'm too insecure. And besides, Kyle didn't have to be up until 1pm to work late tonight, and he always looks so sweet and peaceful when he's asleep it was impossible to leave him. He shaved his face for the first time in two months the other night and surprised me with how strongly I re-recognized him.
The first thing he does every morning is tell me that he loves me. Really!

Another Post That Will Make Me Want to Strangle Myself When I Read it in Ten Years

The other night at the bar, our friend, O, and I were talking about how fucking hungry I've been lately. I just eat constantly. I don't know where it's coming from. Where I used to look at a foot-long sub and be disgusted at the sheer amount of food there, I now decide, "that looks about right!" And I'm not really dieting to curb any of this behavior. I'm just kinda going with it. Again, I don't know why. Fuck it, that's why. Anyway, we're talking about how I eat constantly with only minor constraints (I want a coke, so I'll have one. But not three) and intelligent shopping (keeping in mind that Whole Foods' salad bars charge by the lb for food keeps me from buying too much just out of concern for spending $40 on lunch, and quality foods are more satisfying than cheap ones so you eat less of them: one square of 65% cocoa packs the same taste whollop as 8 kit-kats), and O looked at me and said, "you're very lucky."

Only he didn't say it because I'm particularly thin. He said it because, in his words, "[he has] to thin about all the crap [he eats] because it's starting to affect [his] health." He said that all through college he used to just eat junk food and stayed thin and felt great. And now he has to contemplate the pros and cons of empty calories.
"Like how I get hangovers now and I never used to," I agreed. "It's just part of getting older."

And then we looked at each other, like, OH MY GOD ARE WE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION FOR REALS? OUR AVERAGE AGE IS 23.

And then I said, "I knew I was going to say that one day...I just didn't know how soon."

How soon is now?

And then I broke out some of that aforementioned high-quality chocolate I had been carrying around in my purse for a week, and we each ate a square in silence, staring at the tabletop and reflecting on the futility and undeniability of aging. Kill me when I rely on Metamucil to get through the day. Asking me to live through that conversation is asking too much.

The Hitchens/Boteach Debate

I have to confess...I had no idea there was even going to BE a debate between Hitchens and Boteach. Because I'm a total cultureless heathen. And that's pretty much all I know about it: it happened. One can only assume the topics covered were: God Exists, God doesn't exist, God existed once but is now dead...etc, etc, etc.

Am I the only one who is surprised that the debate was conceived of, much less staged, televised and widely watched? It seems like we should next have a big poll as to how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. And then we can all throw fits and demand a recount.

I'm hitting a, how do you say? WALL.

Usually when people talking about hitting walls it is either in the past or future tense. I hit a wall yesterday. I will hit a wall tomorrow. That kind of thing. Today I experienced a new and previously unknown sensation: HITTING a wall. I saw it coming up in the distance, and as I drew nearer to it, I grew more and more certain that it was unavoidable. Then, like a slow-motion crash-test video, I slammed into the wall, face-first.
I think I'm almost done with LA's attitude problem.
Or I might get rhinoplasty.
Or I might jump/be pushed into a vat of acid.

I guess we'll find out soon enough.

CelebZOMG!

Every time I see some big shot celeb I think that it can only go downhill and everyone I spot from here on out is going to be, like, Spencer Pratt inconsequential...like when we saw Jim Carrey last month? I thought that was it for me and my ascent to viewing the #1 celeb (Britney at critical mass).

All this to preface me telling you that I saw Dustin Hoffman today. And I am apparently back in the game.

Ultra-Productivity or: Doing Things is What I Like to Do!

It's 1pm on Saturday and I have already been to the bank today! I didn't take a shower first, but the bank closes at 2 and I knew if I dithered at all I'd be out in front of the bank at 2:05, rattling the front door and shaking my fist at all the fake-helplessly shrugging bank employees inside. All this to say that I'm VERY proud of myself. Usually I get out of bed at some stupid hour like 3 and then have to scan in my check at the ATM, which always feels like an insecure transaction.

Now I'm going to put
some clothes in the laundry and take a shower, then clean my apartment. DAYS OFF ARE AWESOME! Yeah bitch. Man I'm going to be so efficient!

Have you guys seen that Dunkin Donuts commercial, with the song? I saw it like a billion times when I was in Houston, but I stopped watching TV when I got back to LA so I don't know if it's a national campaign or what. Anyway, the song goes...

Doing things is what I like to do...YES!
Doing things is what I like to do...YES!
I'm slightly more productive than previous, because
I'm slightly more efficient than I previously was!
Doing things is what I like to do...YES!
Doing things is what I like to do...YES!

and it features a bunch of everymen characters (construction guy sticking his head out of a manhole, crossing guard, harried man in a suit, harried mother with 2 kids, marching band in full marching band regalia) singing and drinking Dunkin Donuts iced coffees. This commercial cracks me up because usually, marketing efforts tell us that "if you wear this brand, you'll be able to fuck like a horse for 7 hours!" or "drive this car, it will make you skinny and/or attract skinny women to you!" and this ad is just telling us the truth: "drink coffee - preferably our coffee - and you will THINK you're getting lots done...really you're just bouncing off the walls and annoying your coworkers with your unnatural need to urinate every 10 minutes. But you may get some actual work done today, which is more than can be said for every other day. So, you're only slightly more efficient/productive."

Every little bit counts!

Reader Poll Time!

Is the beauty of this woman...



...diminished at all by the fact that we ALL KNOW her hair is A WIG? A wig that sits on a Styrofoam head on the bedside table? A wig that she switches out with other wigs on a weekly (daily? bi-weekly? monthly?) basis to "switch up [her] look"? A wig that is made out of fake hair? A wig that is made out of fake hair for the purpose of looking like fake hair? A wig that is made to make us pretend like we don't know that it s a WIG? IT'S A WIG PEOPLE. WIG WIG WIG WIG WIG. Have you ever said a word so many times that it ceases to have meaning?

It's a WIG.

Dear Tyra...if you're reading this:

I think you're gorgeous. Please don't come to my house and scratch my eyes out. Or if you must come to my house and scratch me, just not the face. It's all I have left. Certainly you can respect that.

I didn't mean anything by that last bit because of course I know there is lots of meaning in your life other than that provided by your face,
-Priya

William! You could get drunk...you could GET ADDICTED!

How fucking AMAZING is Can't Hardly Wait? Everyone that isn't in School Ties is in this movie. I need to buy the soundtrack.

(First) Valentine's Day

This is the third February that Kyle and I have been together, but this is the first Valentine's Day we have actually spent in each other's company. The first year, we were living on opposite coasts and had to make do with Valentine's packages carefully timed to arrive on the right day, and the second year, I was in India with my parents. As such, old habits die hard:

sidekickPriya: hello hello!
sidekickPriya: Happy Valentine's Day!

*long silence...no response*

sidekickPriya: FINE!!!! NO HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!!
sidekickPriya: IT WAS JUST A HOLIDAY CREATED FOR THE GOVERNMENT TO DISTRACT US FROM OUR MEANINGLESS, CONSUMPTION-DRIVEN LIVES ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sidekickPriya: ST.VALENTINE IS A CHARLATAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sidekickPriya: *quiet sob*
sidekickPriya: I love you.

Insomuch as "old habits" can be interpreted to be "losing your mind over chalky, heart-shaped candies"

ATTN: Mouthbreathers...RE: Mouthbreathing

Calling someone a "mouthbreather" has become one of my favourite ways to insult someone. And Kyle exposed me to another of these gems...calling someone a "slow blinker". HA!

But did you know that breathing through your mouth, besides being totally gross and making you look like you were dropped on your head as a baby, is bad for your health? Check out this link on mouthbreathing and declare yourself one of the reformed: BREATHE WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED.

Now if only there were a way to make people BLINK already and just get it over with! JESUS.

Loveline

Do you remember Loveline? It used to be an MTv show, now it's a radio show with Adam Corolla? Ringing any bells? Loveline taught me that it's wrong to have 5 abortions.

Mitchell and Webb - working with an editor

As the incredible Heather B. Armstrong (author of www.dooce.com, link under "favourite blogs" on the left, I'm too lazy to make a link) said, this link will make anyone who has ever worked with an editor groan.



Or if you ARE an editor, it will make you claw your eyes out with recognition and self-loathing.

I Have Forgiven Jesus

I just remembered that Viggo Mortenson and Exene Cervenka used to be married.

When you feel betrayed, and that the magic of everyday life is no longer enough, you rediscover some gleaming gem of the world, like the one above, and everything is miraculously okay again. It's like walking through some dark neighborhood of a huge, faceless city, and on instinct you push through a door and reveal a sparkling, delicious, luscious speakeasy, with velvet chair cushions, low leather seats, glittering chandeliers...If a love as strangely, unexpectedly perfect as theirs existed...why can't mine?

How About Chili's?

So you and I are in the car, driving away from your place, when we realize that we have no idea what we're going to do.

Seriously...how hard would you punch me if I suggested we go to Chili's?