Seriously, What's Wrong With Me? (UPDATED!)

John and I had a really funny and poignant conversation the other day about the way we became who we are now. I thought that it was nice, and important for us to be speaking so candidly to each other because we do write together, and bonding shit like that is good for people who are working creatively in a kind of partnership, I think. And also because if you're going to write with someone I think you should know them. Like, really...know them. As it turns out, we already knew each other pretty well - we're not very different when it comes to the big picture. But I still felt really good about it, so I published it.
And then Marion texted me today saying that she was reading this marathon conversation and she could see our SOULS, and it was just so honest...and it began to dawn on me that maybe I shouldn't have published the conversation without John's explicit permission, even with all the edits and redactions I had made to the content. I posted it in the first place because I thought it was important for you to know me, too - for a different reason, obviously, but still - but I didn't think that when I revealed something significant about myself, John reciprocated, and maybe his part of the conversation might have a more appropriate home at his website, or...just out in the ether between us. So I took the post down, and I told him I was sorry, and I asked him if I could post it again. And he was like, "You need to calm down. Yes, put it back up. Jesus." So...here it is. Again. Enjoy.

John: man my diaryland is embarrassing
like atomic

me: dude, TELL ME WHERE TO FIND IT

John: dude
no
you don't even want none of this
trust

me: yes i do

John:
lemme check something
it might be locked

me: okay

John: [URL]
ugh
welcome to the darkest part of my soul

me: hahaha yessss
i think it is important to learn this about each other
hence...i will return the favor (?)
[URL]

John: haha yes!
oh man but you were such a better writer than i was at about the same time
i've made a terrible mistake

me: er, no, because you ended in 2003 and i ended in 2007

John: wait when did it begin?

me: mine began in like 2002

John: november 2001

me: okay, sure

John: you were much, much better
it's actually kind of astounding
probably because i didn't read anything at around that time

me: you also probably weren't trying as hard as you possibly fucking could to be as esoteric and snooty as possible
i don't see where you're coming up with these comparisons though

John: i guess i wasn't spending any time with anyone who liked to write, too

me: are we comparing 2003 to 2003?

John: yeah
what kind of fucking mongoloid do you think i am

me: hahaha well i'm struggling with these links, okay

John: yeah i'm comparing your entry yesterday in your blogspot to my first diaryland entry
THAT WOULD BE REALLY S-MART

me: i was super good about the HTML for like three of these years
and now all the fucking archives are all messed up
aghhh

John: hahaha
I'M GOING TO START A DIARYLAND DEVOTED TO POEMS ABOUT MURDERING YOU

me: hahahahahhahaha
I'M GOING TO START A XANGA ALL ABOUT HOW FUCKING DEAD YOU ARE TO ME

John: priya,
priya priya priya,
stick a finger in my
ear -------
will yield the most painful consequences



tell your family your time was good,
your luck will soon change.

that's my first poem

me: hahahaha
my first poem is JOHN JOHN JOHN JOHN JOHN JOHN JOHN IS DEAD

John: that's more like a chant you fucking dildo

me: hahahaha whatever i'm bad at poetry

John: speaking of which i'm going to kill you with a fucking dildo
just beating you upside the goddamn skull with it

me: HEY now whose taunts are taking on an uncomfortably sexual tone?
hahaha

John: til your brain looks like a jelly blue penis
FINE I CAN'T SAY I'LL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A FAKE PENIS
WOW JOHN MUST REALLY WANT TO DILDO ALL OF HIS FEMALE FRIENDS
RAIN ON MY PARADE, PRIYA

me: sorry i was a little closed-minded about what you would DO with the dildo

John: RAIN ON IT!

me: i never thought you might just straight up beat me to death with it
i guess that's my problem

John: pfft
check yoself b4 u wreck yoself

me: okay okay
but only because you asked so nicely

John: (i'm going to put you in the dryer)

me: (i'm going to stick you in one of those huge drums that they use in marching bands)

John: i'm going to turn you into mulch
and grow a beautiful garden
that smells like vindaloo
BOOM DOUBLE BURN

me: i'm going to send you through a wood chipper but when i sprinkle your remains on the ground everything will die
and nothing will ever grow there again

John: hahaha
so yeah
enjoy the festering boil that is my collection of memories from high school
enjoy it

me: haha enjoy mine

John: ugh i want to napalm my past self

me: i spent a lot of time trying to be cryptic, just so you know

John: hahaha
most of lauren's journals were the same way

me: they were like really thinly veiled hate messages to someone i dated in high school that didn't even read my diary
it was pretty pathetic

John: ooh who was it?
was it [redacted]?

me: sigh
yeah

John: YEAH!

me: i'm glad you know about that already

John: haha

me: so i don't have to explain how fucking idiotic i was
you just already know

John: haha
lauren has taught me well
in the ways in which you were a dipshit
haha kidding

me: i really wouldn't be surprised
nor would i really mind
it would be kind of a relief not to have to pretend
i escaped relatively scot-free, though i'm kind of pissed that he never told me that he loved me
i guess that was a special present for those who deigned to go down on him
hahaha

John: ugh i think i have pathologies about the fact that my first girlfriend...of three months, mind you...never told me she loved me

me: OOOH STILL A FONT OF FUCKING BITTERNESS AND SELF-LOATHING, HUH PRIYA
anyway yeah, is 3 months a long time?

John: haha no
but i was fucking kicked in the wiener that it never happened

me: hahaha i know!
i know exactly what you mean
i'm still all TELL ME YOU LOVE ME about everything

John: hahaha

me: though i don't know if that has anything to do with him directly or just my general insecurities
or if those two are connected (yes they are)

John: i mean that experience basically caused my first "i love you" with lauren to be this massive, gut-wrenching experience

me: was that your first I Love You ever?

John: no like i told [redacted] that i loved her

me: [redacted] from your diary?

John: but she said something like "we need more time"
haha yeah

me: BURN!!!!
what a whore

John: BURN
yeah
hahaha

me: jesus didnt she know you're just supposed to say it back even though you don't necessarily feel it?
and then you force yourself into a long term relationship with the person and eventually convince yourself that you DO feel it?

John: but anyway yeah that basically told me that saying "i love you" is a one-way ticket to getting doused with gasoline and set aflame

me: god, really...i see how you may have gotten that idea

John: so yeah when i got around to wanting to tell lauren
after dating for a good six months or so
i was a total wreck

me: that seems like a more normal time frame

John: oh yeah totally
i mean i totally acknowledge that i was the weirdo in the relationship with [redacted]
but it still sucked

me: yeah well, she should have just said it back
i mean...high school
whatever

John: [redacted] actually did read my diaryland for a while
just fyi

me: does that matter? did you address certain entries to her?

John: god, i lived inside an odd limbo where every girl i had ever had a fraction of a feeling for shared space in my thoughts and rhetoric when i was in high school
um, kind of
i kind of...slanted...some entries for her
or something

me: i get that
i would write love notes to guys i liked and never use their names
it was really really sad

John: yeah!
exactly
i actually don't think i knew anything about myself until i was totally fucking alone and depressed in college my freshman year

me: man, one of my saddest moments was when i wrote an entire entry backwards and put spaces between every letter so it was all one paragraph
and later i found out that everyone - EVERYONE - had fucking figured it out

John: hahahaaaaaaaa
that is epic

me: i didn't use names or anything but i was just...i don't know, looking for attention or something
yeah

John: yeah

me: i don't think i knew myself until freshman year either
why were you alone and depressed?
just a new kid, new town situation?

John: oh man
i don't know
i felt totally alienated when i went out
people didn't exactly line up to get to know me
and i was totally obsessed with [redacted 2]
by the way
not sure if you knew that

me: i knew about that

John: ok

me: well, i knew you liked her a lot
lauren didn't use the word "obsessed" or anything

John: and she was busy fucking this total schmuck who lived upstairs

me: UGHHHH HORRIBLE
that is THE WORST

John: and i was still kind of hung up with [redacted], too

me: also pretty American, right?

John: haha yeah

me: living in the dorms, being in love with someone who's fucking the schmuck upstairs

John: haha yeah i know what you mean

me: i'm just luxuriating in it
hahaha

John: i mean i can look back and see that it was really great
from a cinematic perspective

me: GOD YES

John: and i think i even appreciated it then, to be honest
which is maybe why i buried myself in it

me: hahaha well, people of a certain disposition often do appreciate melodrama
i know that you're one because we can smell our own

John: haha def
so yeah i just hated myself
and i gained like 20 lbs
looked like a lesbian

me: i think hating yourself is like, hells of important for character growth though

John: things were just awful for me
yeah
totally
i mean i really did grow from it
OH MY GOD MORE EXPLORATION
i just found a huge folder of saved emails from a few girls i had crushes on from 7th grade until college
un. real.
i'm bleeding out of my eyes

me: i used to save AIM conversations

John: haha
yeah i used to, too

me: like...files and files and files of saved convos
and emails
and all sorts of other bullshit
and i would hide them in other folders
and mark them in ways that only i could possibly interpret
i was, like, extremely paranoid about the whole thing

John: haha yeah

me: rightly so, obviously
christ

John: hahaha
HOLY GOD ON A CRACKER
read this

me: ?!?!?!

John: [redacted]
WHAT A DICKHOLE I WAS

me: oh my god, sounds DRAMATIC AS FUCK
why is that a dickhole thing to do?

John: i mean and for what????

me: hahahahahaha

John: no i mean just like "jesus h who gives a shit?"
that kind of dickhole

me: hahahaha i get it now
it's sweet though
at least you fucking cared
i know so many guys in high school that just didn't care at all

John: haha
well at least those guys GOT LAID

me: oh come on

John: hahaha

me: it is a GOOD thing you didn't get laid in 8th grade
imagine what a fucking dick you'd be now

John: i don't mean that
haha i know

me: christ
i'd murder you even more
no. it's better to be laid for being a nice guy than to get laid because you bullied someone into giving it up
which is what those guys did

John: that is totally true
i mean honestly i wouldn't change anything
but jesus it's weird to revisit

me: yeah, i know
but 15 was a terrible year for literally every single person i know
i mean, to whom i've spoken about it, i guess
actually all of high school was pretty much a terribly awkward phase
and i grew out of it when i was...uh...22 and 7 months
so that's good

John: hahaha
i know what you mean

me: i'm not even kidding about that last part
i've only felt moderately human for the last year or so

John: i think that's fairly normal
at least for people who really have a grasp of themselves
you know?

me: yeah...i kind of wonder what it's like to not really be as stuck in my own brain all the damn time
obviously this way is better, but still. it must be an easy life

John: fuck never thinking about yourself
about your own consciousness
i can't even imagine what it would have been like/would be like if i didn't live at least a little bit wrapped up in my own mind

me: hahaha no, me either
but i wonder
i mean, i can't even conceive of a life where i didn't obsess about every fucking thing everyone said to me

John: haha

me: i'm exaggerating a little bit
but obviously i AM pathologically insane, as you said

John: yeah but fuck people who aren't.

Incidentally, this conversation can only hold a flickering candle to the experience I had at John and Lauren's apartment the other week, when I was staying with them in Austin: John walked in on me washing my face at the end of the first day and acted all embarrassed about it, but I told him to come on in because I didn't care. And then we proceeded to brush our teeth together in a really strangely, unintentionally uncomfortable silence. The memory of it is cracking me up - I kept trying to catch his eye in the mirror and wiggle my eyebrows at him in a cheeky way, but he was studiously avoiding my gaze (apparently John's last roommate was really anal-retentive about people watching him brush his teeth? And now John is all trained to not look at other people?) which made it even weirder, because then I was suddenly aware of the fact that I was staring at my best friend's husband brushing his teeth...Seriously, you guys...what's wrong with me?

Holy Fuck! FLIPS.

Holy Fuck.



We're going to need a bigger Holy Fuck for this video. Because my last Holy Fuck was woefully underprepared to deal with the Holy Fuck-ness of Damien Walters and all his insane It's-Like-I-Just-Watched-All-Of-The-Olympics-At-Once activities.

I Don't Want to Live on the Moon

This song from Sesame Street was one of my favourites when I was little. It still is.



When people around me have kids, my usual gift is "Love You Forever" (that book about the mom who always tells her son - no matter how old he gets - that he'll always be her baby). But I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I shouldn't be doing something to ensure that Sesame Street stays around forever and ever...

Summer I

Today I realized that the next month is going to do things to me someplace very uncomfortable. Like the back of a Volkswagon. My schedule and impressions are as follows:

Metaphysics
10:20AM-12:20PM (Monday-Thursday)
This seems like it'll be interesting and fun. The prof is well-spoken but funny enough to throw out the following gems just in the first hour of class:

1. (When speaking to a student whose name apparently sounded exactly as it was spelled) "You can reduce a man to rubble with just one word - when he asks how to pronounce your name, just narrow your eyes like this *squints into a bitchy expression*, and say 'PHONETICALLY.' I guarantee he'll be yours." The girl to whom he was speaking sounded unimpressed, but you know what? I would personally LOVE to know a man who would be affected at all by that play.

2. "He had what my less-refined friends in New York would call...shit *sigh*...for brains."

Astronomy I
6:00-10:15PM (Monday-Thursday, that's right, I'm scheduled for 16 hours a week of this)
I asked the opinion of a fellow English major before I signed up for this class, and he said that there would be math required in this course but "not too much." That's encouraging. And, as I recall now that we've had a lecture (replete with an animated presentation about Saturn's rings and the discovery thereof), I have a big ol' boner for space. And I have a friend in this class - someone who was in my Literary Criticism class last semester and in my Chaucer class which just finished.

So those are my classes. The profs both seem pretty amusing, so I'm excited to get going on the material...because I'm a fucking geek, I'm slow to learn from previous fuckups, and/or I love punishment? All of the above, I'm sure.

Things That Make Me Happy: AUDIBLE GASP

HOLY. SHIT.



Part of the joy I get comes out of the fact that Nosferatu and I apparently went to the same dance school. Also: the Criss Angel shirt and the Mindfreak poster, an upside down American flag, and Brad Pitt's Details cover on an otherwise basically bare wall. That's fucking weird. Who thinks Criss Angel is even close to - okay, yes, he was obviously vomited straight out of the bowels of Hell...I think I see where Nosferatu is coming from on this one. I also think Nosferatu is 15. And possibly gay.

Dear Nosferatu,

I love you. Never change. Ever.

Love, Priya

Pool Party, Baby (It Was a Cool Party)

My Memorial Day consisted of the following:
- Star Trek-related defensiveness
- crappy homemade guacamole and delicious-looking cheeseburgers
- MGMT
- cigarettes
- chicken fights
- aviator sunglasses and fedoras
- death threats
- "dive contests"
- defending my beer from getting splashed on
- Budweiser while wearing a boy's clothes
- an old Farrelly brothers movie
- soaked t-shirt and shorts hanging from a shower-curtain rail
- "Tell me what you want!!"..."Everything."

Now go ahead and tell me that wasn't the quintessential summer day.

Thanks, ultra-impressive men and women who died for our freedoms!

Idiot Formatting

NO. I don't care how progressive your family is - THIS IS NOT A POSSIBILITY. Please figure it the hell out before you post it on Newsweek's website like a moron, wasting everyone's time.



UGH!

BEHOLD THE SPLENDOR OF MY BEGINNING

UGHHH, you guys. I was not the youngest person in the room last night and it fucking bothered me. Like, it bothered me a lot more than it should have. I guess this is to be expected, since I place so much importance on my intelligence as it relates to the intelligence of people older than I am (my "precociousness quotient", if you will). And it's also to be expected because eventually - in, like, two months - I won't be 22 anymore. PERISH THE THOUGHT. At every moment in time, there's a generation with one foot out the door, and a generation on their way into the room; I am coming to the quick realization that I'm a member of the generation that has one foot out the door. And what am I to leave behind? The more I think about it, the more the very idea of thinking about it makes my skin crawl. Yes, it's all very meta.

I wrote that paragraph like four hours ago and I have no idea where I was going with it. It looks to be a pretty self-contained sentiment: "I'm fucking bonkers." Seems like a pretty universal theory on what the fuck's wrong with me - John told me on Tuesday that he was interested in working with me because I was "clearly pathologically insane". Which, now that I think about it, doesn't bother me as much as it maybe should.

Anything else? I watched Aliens: Resurrection tonight with my dad and brother, and it was fucking awesome, as usual. Other than that, nothing. It looks like everyone I know is staying in tonight - everyone's either drunk and watching TV at home, or out in Clear Lake (fuck that), or "taking the night off", or not picking up their phone/ignoring texts, or out of alternatives (me). This leads me to the discovery that I've very quickly fallen out of the habit of not going out. I'm sitting here in my pj's and still my leg is vibrating incessantly because I think - I'm pretty sure, in fact - that I should be in the car, on my way to the usual adventure. It's 10:30! The night is yet young! And yet, it should have begun by now.
So: tonight is dismal, but tomorrow looks good. Story of my life.

65 Questions You've Never Been Asked Before

This survey is going around Facebook, and it seems interesting, or at least different from the usual "do you have a crush on someone right now?" bullshit. So here it is...

65 Questions You've Never Been Asked Before

1. First thing you wash in the shower? My hair.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? I dunno, I like both of them (one's grey, the other navy) pretty equally.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Yes. Duh.

4. Do you plan outfits? Sometimes I think about accessories, when I'm bored. But my wardrobe adheres to a pretty strict colour palette so planning isn't really necessary.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Bored, excited, lazy.

6. Whats the closest thing to you that is red? The rug.

7. What was the last dream you remember having? I dreamed that an alien was coming down from the sky and taking people's fillings out against their will. Weird.

8. Did you meet anybody new today? Nope. I went straight back to bed at 8AM and haven't gotten up since. Well, I got up to get a book, but other than that I've been pretty well sequestered.

9. What are you craving right now? Chocolate.

10. Do you floss? Yeah, but not very often. I go for Listerine.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? Yuck!

12. Are you emotional? I guess so? I don't know...mostly I think over my reactions and do the most "logical" thing, except for when I'm angry. Then you'll hear about it.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? Yes. Last night when I was trying to sleep.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? I usually just lick it.

15. Do you like your hair? Yes, usually.

16. Do you like yourself? Why wouldn't I? I'm the best. Though I'm a firm believer that if I ever met someone exactly like myself she'd be dead within the hour because I'd hate her so fervently.

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? No. People say it would be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I'm sure it would be. But I'd rather say I took the rare opportunity to turn down dinner with him.

18. What are you listening to right now? iTunes on random: Hanson - MMMBop just came on.

19. Are your parents strict? Yes. Well, they were more so than they are now. Now I've beaten down their defenses.

20. Would you go sky diving? No. I value the sanctity of my underpants.

21. Do you like cottage cheese? Yes, but only in small amounts.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity? Yes, a few. It's what happens when you live in LA for any stretch of time at all.

23. Do you rent movies often? No.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? Jewelry, the chandelier, the handle on my purse.

25. How many countries have you visited? Canada, Switzerland, Italy, England, France, Peru, Costa Rica, Tanzania, India, UAE, Bahamas...I'm sure there are more, but I'm blanking.

26. Have you made a prank phone call? Yes, before the days of *69 and caller ID.

27. Ever been on a train? Yes - once, in Alaska.

28. Brown or white eggs? I'm not sure of the difference.

29.What was your first pet? Fred the fish.

30. Do you use chap stick? Yes.

31. Do you own a gun? No. If I were to carry a weapon around on my person it would be a straight-edge razor (but I wouldn't do it unless I knew how to be super-good at cutting people) because I'm tough like that.

32. Can you use chopsticks? Yes.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight? Not sure! Nobody's called me with plans yet.

34. Are you too forgiving? No. I'm the opposite of forgiving - I carry a grudge like nobody's business. I am, however, too likely to tell the person who wronged me that they're forgiven and then secretly loathe them forever thereafter.

35. Ever been in love? Yes.

36. What are your friends doing tomorrow? Shit, I don't know. I guess some of them are going to work and some of them are going to play. It's a long weekend, doncha know?

37. Ever have cream puffs? Yes, at Than Brother's Pho! SO GOOD.

38. Last time you cried? I don't know. It's been a while.

39. What was the last question you asked? What, aloud? Uhhh, "what are you doing tonight?" Something like that, probably.

40. Favorite time of the year? Summer. Spring is a close runner-up.

41. Do you have any tattoos? No. I have a couple on the back burner but I'm not committed enough to them to actually go out and get them done.

42. Are you sarcastic? No.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? Yes. I thought the first half was good but I got tired of watching Ashton fuck things up for himself and everyone around him by getting those nosebleeds.

44. Ever walked into a wall? Oh yes.

45. Favorite color? Red. I've been asked this question before! Come on!

46. Ever slapped someone? Yes. It was completely worth it.

47. Is your hair curly? Uhh, it's wavy, I guess. It takes a curl really easily, and straightens without too much trouble. I lucked out in that department.

48. What was the last CD you bought? Uhhhh, I have no idea. It's been forever.

49. Do looks matter? Yes. You gotta be hot for 'em.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater? Yes, but it depends on the situation.

51. Is your phone bill sky high? Not really.

52. Do you like your life right now? Sure, I like it. Am I content? Not really. But that's to be expected.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on? No.

54. Can you handle the truth? Yes.

55. Do you have good vision? I have excellent vision. Last time I checked it was 20-15.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? Oh I dislike tons of people.

57. How often do you talk on the phone? I talk on the phone probably more than 10 times a day.

58. The last person you held hands with? Hmmm...my mom?

59. What are you wearing? Soffees and a t-shirt with a hummingbird on it.

60.What is your favorite animal? Hummingbird.

61. Where was your default picture taken? At 100% Taquitos.

62. Can you hula hoop? I was great when I was 7...no idea how good I'd be at it now.

63. Do you have a job? No. Not really.

64.What was the most recent thing you bought? A vodka-tonic.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window? I seem to remember having done so before. I can't remember why though.

Quickie

I'm only here to touch base with you guys about the fact that The Cookie Lounge was everything I hoped it would be, and more. I went there with Lauren, John, Robert, and Michael. Yo Gabba Gabba was playing on a TV, and I saw Mark Mothersbaugh draw a fish! And they had free wi-fi! We played a game full of trick questions - I got a bunch right! The cookie itself was fantastic - it was made with chocolate dough, dried cherries, and 55% dark chocolate chips. Think about that. It came out deliciously hot and perfectly melty. God, it was good. It was...(wait for it)...the Platonic Ideal of cookies.

I land in Houston tomorrow at 2:30, so...hold on to your butts, I guess. I'm going to tear the town a new asshole so it won't miss me when I'm in class next week, learning about the Holy Scriptures (according to the Catholics) and/or Astronomy. Ugh. I guess the good thing is that when I eventually, inevitably puke out of sheer desperation, I'll get to see my cookie again.

That's disgusting. I'm sorry.

Twice in one night! Can you handle it?

So John, Robert, Lauren and I went to play trivia at the Flying Saucer tonight. We did pretty poorly because the first two rounds had stupid fucking themes (Breakfast and Current Events [which mostly centered on sports tonight]). But then we did awesomely on the third round, the theme for which was Apes. I even contributed a correct answer! It was Jane Goodall. Haha! Suck on that, everyone.

Tomorrow we're going to get sushi for lunch - or I heard rumors that we were going to, anyway - and then we're going to The Cookie Lounge at some point tomorrow night. The Cookie Lounge is this bakery kind of place where you go and you get to order cookies. Like ice cream, you know? You get to choose your own add-ins and whatever else. You even choose what kind of milk you'd like to drink with your special cookies and they pour you a glass of it. Then they cook your cookies right in front of you, and give them to you piping hot from the oven. BONUS (check this the fuck out): delivery is also an option. That's right, they fucking deliver CUSTOM MADE cookies to your fucking house if you want them to. Jesus Christ. When Robert told me about that, I made a split-second decision. That decision was: AUSTIN IS STONER VALHALLA.
LA has better weed; I can admit that much. But everything else there fucking sucks compared to Austin. Oh, you'd like to speak up on behalf of LA? Well, you can go jump off a fucking bridge if it doesn't have delivery cookies, alright? Just...don't even bother. Show me some delivery cookies and then I'll talk to you.

I had some other stuff to talk about, but all of existence pales in comparison to the concept of The Cookie Lounge right now. So I'll save whatever else for tomorrow. Goodnight.

Hey Craig Ferguson, wanna go home? With me, I mean?

Don't get the wrong idea (the wrong idea being that I want to give you a special hug [though I would totally do that too if you were into it]), I'd just like someone to hang out with that understands my particular brand of Britney Love for once.



God, that's amazing.

Working, Working, Working...Worked

So I owe you all a post from Friday. I'm sorry I fell down on the job, you guys, but I was...having kind of an insane weekend.

I just tried to type out a little synopsis of what I did on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, but I kept mixing up things that happened on various days. It was kind of a blur. I guess we can just suffice it to say that I hung out with Marion, Amanda, Amanda's boyfriend Chris, Kris, Matt Kic, and various other (un)savory characters on and off for three days. For a further example of how far overboard I went, on Saturday I got out of bed at 5pm (I know! Sinful) and was out the front door by 7. It got pretty ridiculous there for a bit. But I'm done with that now. Until next Thursday.

As some of you know, I am in Austin this week, visiting Lauren, John, and Robert. I'm here to work a little bit on writing with John, and to detox, and to get away from my parents for a bit. It's a mental health vacation. About the work: John and I went on our first hour today (which is showbiz lingo for "turned off our cell phones and internet and worked for one solid hour") and I think it actually went really well. I'm really happy with what we did. I hope to get enough writing done in the next few days that I can continue to build on it when I'm not in Austin. I'm kind of toying with the idea of coming back for a weekend every once in a while over the summer to continue the process, but I haven't really run it by Lauren and John yet. and I don't know what my class workload (I'm taking a theology and an astronomy in Summer I, and a philosophy in Summer II) will be like. So I guess we will all have to wait and see. Because you care. Heh.

John and I are going to try to do another hour at some time tonight. Tomorrow, Lauren, John, Robert, and I plan on going to play trivia at the Flying Saucer here. Should be a good time - they do this pretty often and are still really enthusiastic about it so it must be fun, right? I'll let you know.

Infinity Days of Summer

This is my brain:



This is my brain on Summer:



Tonight I'm going to celebrate finishing finals. See you suckers tomorrow, when I suppress my hangover-induced constant gagging to bring you what details I remember and plans for the upcoming weeks. Stay tuned.

I like how they stipulate that I have to answer the questions "cleverly"

So Amanda just figured out how to do notes in Facebook and I actually like this survey - should be quite entertaining - but I don't do Facebook notes. So, of course, I'm going to publish it here. Excellent.

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 15 people and include me. Try not to repeat a song title. It's harder than you think.

Pick your band/artist: Morrissey (obvs)

- Are you male or female: Lifeguard Sleeping, Girl Drowning
- Describe yourself: Maladjusted
- How do you feel about yourself: I'll Never Be Anybody's Hero Now
- Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: Little Man, What Now?
- Describe your current boy/girl situation: We'll Let You Know
- Describe where you currently live: Life is a Pigsty
- If you could go anywhere you wanted to go: I'm Throwing My Arms Around Paris
- Your favorite form of transportation: Ammunition
- Your best friend is: Glamorous Glue
- Your favorite color is: Black Cloud
- Favorite time of day: Tomorrow
- If your life were a TV show, what would it be called: You Should Have Been Nice to Me
- What is life to you: Seasick, Yet Still Docked
- What is the best advice you have to give: Do Your Best and Don't Worry
- If you could change your name, what would it be: Margaret on the Guillotine
- Thought for the Day: The World is Full of Crashing Bores
- How I would like to die: First of the Gang to Die
- My soul's present condition: Dial-A-Cliche
- My motto: I'm Not Sorry
- What's the weather like: Let Me Kiss You

The End of the Beginning of the End

I'm right in the middle of finals week, but I feel like I've already started summer vacation - minus the actual celebrations that would entail - because I had my accounting final today. It went...well. I mean, not as poorly as I thought it might. After all my threatening to commit suicide (Harakiri or the noose? One mass suicide note or many personalized ones?), I ended up just sitting there and doing my math problems quietly for two hours and leaving without creating any kind of bloody scene or anything. I was rather proud of myself and somewhat disappointed. You all know how I love the theatrics and melodrama.

Yesterday I had my Victorian Literature and Chaucer finals. Those went well, too. Vic Lit was a strong point this semester so I rocked it. I'm almost kind of sad that I won't get it back after she grades it because I just know it has "Priya, One of the best in the class! Have a great summer and Don't Change!" written on the top. Chaucer was a slightly larger struggle, mostly because my prof was kind of a bitch and I have no faith that she'll grade me - or anyone, really - with any degree of fairness. We all kind of went into that exam feeling like the die was already cast in terms of our places on the curve. And then she made the following announcement during the exam: "you'll all be happy to know that I just did the calculations in my grade book and you are all passing!" I'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THAT I HAVE AT LEAST A C-? FUCK YOU, WOMAN!!! I'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THAT I HAVE AN A! Ooh, touchy subject. So anyway, I was in finals from like 3-7pm straight yesterday. I thought it would suck a bunch but it didn't, really.

Tomorrow I have Shakespeare, and then Thursday I have Ethics. I wish they were both tomorrow so I could just knock 'em out one after the other and be done with it all as soon as possible. They both seem like they'll be softball exams. At least, they will be for me, because I'm a genius (don't look at me like that. It's true). Hahaha. So now I'm thinking about what I want to do on Thursday to celebrate my newfound freedom. I want to see the new Star Trek, which I heard was unexpectedly sexy, and then I want a margarita or three, and then I want to drown in the pool. I don't know. The best nights always happen when you aren't planning for them, so hopefully I can just get everyone in the same room at once and hope for the best. It'll be like herding cats! Fun!

I just realized that this marks the end of my junior year. Which means...one more year. And then...and then a lifelong panic attack about "what next??" Sounds amazing. I can't wait. Hopefully I'll just go to law school and hang out there for as long as possible, and then maybe I can just...just...AUGHH okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves...just relax...JUST ONE MORE YEAR AND THEN AND THEN it's going to be okay! Let's *deep breaths* change the subject.

And now I'm making a Summer Mix. Because that's how you know it's officially summer. So far I have some ELO, Bob Marley, and a song that I just discovered: Hot Pants in the Summertime, by The Dramatics. I like that band name! Any requests/suggestions? What songs feel like Summertime to you? Aaaaand cue the deafening internet silence of no comments. At least I tried.

Aziz Ansari on Kimmel

I thought I would be annoyed by this guy (I didn't really "get" Human Giant) but this interview is actually pretty cute. He keeps in touch with his little cousins! Aww.



So next time I see Aziz (y'know, just hangin' out aruond town), I am totally going to call him Raaaaaaaandy!

And now I'm off to take my finals. But "Raaaaaaaandy!" is going to be stuck in my head! Dammit!

PS. Worst screen-grab ever on Aziz. Sorry, dude!

Mr. T Has a Message for YOU Today!

My absolute favourite part of this video - bar none - is the very end. Be somebody!

Why the Hell Not? Bloopers!

I've been watching this How I Met Your Mother blooper reel on repeat for like ten minutes for some reason. It just keeps getting funnier. I don't know why. It's like having friends of my own and everything! Watch for a super sexy threesome scene like 2 minutes in. You'll know it when you see it. Yeah you will. Mmm...



That reminds me, I should do laundry this weekend.

I need to publish these results to validate the time it took to take the test.

I know that most of the time I'm on the internet, I'm just dicking around. Strictly speaking, I need to spend about two hours online a week. But I don't - I spend way more on that...longer than I'd like to admit. Even so, taking this quiz is one of only a very few instances that I ever consciously thought the words, "this is not a good use of my time" while screwing around (maybe the fact that I'm taking five finals next week is a factor). And then I came here and wrote this...disclaimer thingy. So that's even more time irretrievably down the drain. Fuck. Here are my results; I'm going to go...do something that will hopefully be productive for a change.

Your result for The 3 Variable Funny Test...

the Wit

(81% dark, 35% spontaneous, 11% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK



You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat.

I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer.

Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion.



You probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm
talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/.



PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais





The 3-Variable Funny Test!
- it rules -

Take The 3 Variable Funny Test at HelloQuizzy

Community

So NBC picked up this Joel McHale/Chevy Chase/John Oliver show called Community, which is where McHale plays a lawyer who has to go back to community college. Here's the trailer! There are actually a few hilarious moments, and if you don't laugh out loud at least once...I question the existence of your soul. I question it.



God, I love Joel McHale. And there was a Soup inside joke! And it was funny! Unfortunately, this show's obvious potential awesomeness means that it will be canceled - possibly before the first season is even over. Oh well - a girl can dream that it won't. Thumbs way up.

When You Know Someone Too Well...Something Like This Happens

Isaiah: i ran out of shampoo today
and conditioner

me: whaaaat!
WORST
did you discover it before or after you were already in the shower?

Isaiah: i was already in the shower
alone and vulnerable

me: hahaha oh noes!

Isaiah: yep

me: that sucks

Isaiah: i still feel damaged

me: hahaha
did you go and get some today?!

Isaiah: no

me: well what the hell then

Isaiah: hahaha

me: i don't have any sympathy for you

Isaiah: i will later

me: whatever! it's 7 your time.
you're going to smoke out later and call me at 6AM rambling about macbeth

Isaiah: you gotta problem with that?!
then change your number bitch!!!
cause you're mine after 5 a.m.

Bodes Well for Summer

Hey guys. I have two papers due tomorrow so I need to start on that at some point. Checking in here first, though.

First order of business: the Five Guys Slogan Poll. How much do I love it that "This is a disgusting exercise and I won't participate" got zero votes? You guys rule. Pat yourselves on the back for that one. HOWEVER: how did "Five Guys: Just as Strangely Unsatisfying as You Think It Would Be" get FIVE VOTES?! Everyone knows that "Five Guys: One Tip is 20%!" is the better joke (empirically!), or failing that, "Five Guys: Gang Raping Your Hunger". Oh well, comedy is like a frog; you can dissect it, but it dies in the process.

Second! Last night I went out for 12 hours straight. TWELVE. Let that sink in. I went to bed at 8 this morning. Can you even begin to understand it? No. Suffice it to say that I have a newfound respect/disdain for a lot of people (we played like ten rounds of "Never Have I Ever", haha). I was kind of worried about what that kind of behavior might say about me, but I think I'll only be young once, and I should party for 12 hours straight while I can, before I have more responsibilities and I'm too tired to deal with it. That is, I realize, what "youth" is for.
Thumbs up to:
1. hearing the band say, "who likes to chill?" and screaming "WOOOO!!!!!!!" in response, in the least chill manner possible.
2. absolute zero and polar bears
Thumbs down to:
1. the lights at the bar turning on after last call and
2. the sun coming up.

Thirdly, I'm hungry. I reallllyyyyy wish Chipotle delivered. I would murder a bol right now.

NEXT. This one is hells of important, so I need you to pay attention. SHOUTOUT TO DEVON K, YOU GUYS!!!!

Okay, that's all I got for now. Owen just texted me saying that he only partied for 10 hours but he did shrooms so he asserts that his party was better. I gotta go straighten this out.

Dangerous

I heard this on a recent episode of Bones (they played this song as Gordon Gordon's Bowie-esque alter-ego, Noddy Rocket [isn't that a FANTASTIC alter-ego name?]), and I absolutely could not get this out of my head. I spent like four thousand years trying to find it online. But I finally did, on YouTube of all places. Anyway, here it is, for you to enjoy. I hope you like it as much as I do!



I like this song so much that it would be dangerous for me to put it on a mix to listen to in the car because I would totally ignore driving in favor of dancing. I can't find it online...I guess I have to go into a record store and buy it there instead of online. How quaint!