YES! FINALLY!

I've heard rumors about Ricky G making this movie for like A YEAR now and I'm SO GLAD it's finally coming out! It looks fantastic. It looks like a reason for me to get out of bed in the morning. And Jennifer Garner's hair looks amazing. I want that hair. Someone bring it to me. DADDY!

Dear Monday,

I was pretty pissed at you like five minutes ago, but I forgive you. You're just being yourself. It's okay. Thanks for bringing me this trailer! I feel much better now.

Love,
Priya

Also: How fucking AMAZING is the logo? A little silhouette of Ricky WALKING OUT OF THE LETTER I? GOOD CHRIST. It gave me a design boner. In my soul.

Aw, SHIT.

English girl sings amusing song about Facebook (and references Twitter!) - there is no way I can actually compete with that. Part of me wants to bury this so everyone will still think I'm clever, but I can't deny that this song is fucking good. Let's go viral with it.

I'm Smart.

Marion
by the way, in what documentary does someone wake up "horsefucked"?!

Priya
where did you ever see the word "horsefucked"?!

Marion
[redacted] is drinking absinthe right now, and i said oh god, let the bad decisions begin! and then he said "yea i'm gonna wake up horsefucked like that documentary."
hahaha, christ, am i supposed to know this?! or have the bad decisions already begun?

Priya
word to the wise: do not google "horsefucking documentary".

This is What They Call Self-Awareness

The following is an excerpt from a Videogum review of Margot at the Wedding that was posted earlier today:

Oh, white people. Will we ever tire of complaining about the aches and pains of our petty bourgeois existence? Boo hoo hoo, the line at the iPhone store was too long. Boo hoo hoo, the barista got the ratio of espresso to ice in my iced Americano wrong. Boo hoo hoo, the cuff-links I ordered on-line weren't shipped overnight, and then they went to my apartment when I meant to have them delivered to the office, and I don't have a doorman at my apartment, so I had to call UPS and give them an alternate address and they said they couldn't redeliver until tomorrow morning. This is worse than apartheid!

Makes me sick to my stomach (which is full of foie gras and root beer floats and money).

The following is an excerpt from an email conversation that Marion and I just had:

Marion
SRSLY.
haha, have you read infinite jest?

Priya
SRSLY yes i have.

Marion
OMG NO BIG DEAL
can i kiss your feet? you've endured more than gandhi.

We are Clockwork Oranging you right now, as a matter of fact.

David
DUDE
I TOTALLY DOWNLOADED THIS NEW APP
I WANNA TELL YOU ALLLLLLLLL ABOUT IT
AND ALL ABOUT THE NEW SOFTWARE AND BASICALLY JUST HOW FUCKING AWESOME MY IPHONE IS
are the voices in your head telling you to kill me yet?

Priya
oh, the voices in my head are screaming that i should make you watch as i throw your phone off a balcony into a pool of sharks
THEN you die

David
hahaha
just kill me first
spare me

Priya
bahahaha
oh no
you're watching.

David
clockwork orange me for that shit

Priya
i'm going to make you watch it, and then i'm going to brainwash you into thinking it was a good thing.
that will be my ultimate victory

David
haha now THAT will never happen
you can never undo the brainwashing that steve jobs has inflicted already

Priya
that's how i'm going to clockwork orange you

David
oh my god
can we PLEASE popularize using that as a verb?!

Priya
hahahh
YES
DONE

David
ok
tomorrow night
we are going to drive it into everyones head

Priya
you mean we're going to clockwork orange them?

David
HAHAHAHAHA

Aziz Ansari has my (should be grudging, but it's not) respect.

I first started hearing of Aziz's work when Human Giant started showing on MTv. I could tell it was theoretically really funny, but for some reasons none of the jokes landed with me. I even went through the trouble of watching their 24 hour marathon (well, about 8 hours of it, on an off) to see if it was a "growing on me" thing. It wasn't. For once, and this is huge, I realized that my not liking something is not a reflection of that something's actual merit. And yet I still could only shrug. So I've never been a huge fan of Aziz. I liked his character pretty much on Parks and Recreation, but I've found that he actually makes me laugh the most when he's just being himself. I posted an amusing interview with him and Jimmy Kimmel, I think, and now this:

Aniz (Aziz's brother): bro
Aniz: this is fucked up
Aniz: They wouldn’t take Marco’s blood at the blood drive cause he was gay
Aniz: He’s school president
Aniz: he arranged the whole event

Aziz: WHOOOOOA! WHAT???!
Aziz: is there a news article linking to this?

Aniz: Oh
Aniz: I’m talkin about whats going on in the episode of Degrassi I’m watching

Go find out more at Aziz's blog, which he updates on the regular: http://azizisbored.tumblr.com/

What is this...wait...HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD

You guys...I'm sorry. But you need to watch this all the way through the end. Don't skip ahead because you think you know what comes next. Because I can guarantee that you don't. YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN. It affects everyone different(ly).

HAYYYY!!!!

Generally I object to anything which reduces the majesty and sheer fucking awesomeness of dinosaurs (especially the dinosaurs from Jurassic Park), but this is actually something I do in movies anyway.

This Entry Brought to You by Hipster Runoff

There are some things in this life which I cannot blog.

I think I might write a song and that will be one of the hook lyrics. It'll be all about how some of the most essential, universal things in life are failed completely by language, and will also semi-ironically reference pop internet culture which will undoubtedly be hilariously obsolete by the time the single is released (another sample lyric: You can totes talk to me, no matter what you say you'll send me reeling/ tell me now if we can be friends, and if we're friends, ORLY/ I wanna know if you're fucking me or if I'm fucking you/ my friends have all been asking and I haven't got a fucking clue). I'll set it to a slowly revolving beat that sounds like it was recorded underwater - it'll be a pretty obvious homage to "Flower" by Liz Phair but everyone will think it has something to do with Au Revoir Simone. I'll record it on the microphone included with my laptop and mix/ advertise/ sell the resultant single from my bedroom under the guise of being my own sister, girlfriend, or androgynous boyfriend (very White Stripes/ Len/ Tegan and Sara). Then, I'll get tons of offers from big record labels, but I'll eventually surprise everyone with my loyalty and release my EP through Vanilla Records (the name of which will never cease to amuse me as an artist or a brown person), which will be run by John from his eventual basement. Later, I will insist on a rider replete with Fiji Water, pumpkin bread, and other weirdly bougie foodstuffs. And I will also throw a fit if anyone tries to call me by anything other than Her Royal MagjestShe, even though my stage name is something absurdly far afield from that (I'm thinking of going by Fucking A).

So whaddya think? Solid, right?

Valerie Solanas's S.C.U.M. Manifesto

I just read Valerie Solanas's S.C.U.M. manifesto, and...wow. Girl's pissed. It appears that she wrote this after Andy Warhol accepted and then lost the manuscript to a play that she wrote (I can't imagine why anyone would expect anything different from him - whatever else he was, he certainly seems like he would be something of an inconsiderate flake). I get why she'd be mad about that, but this mad? I wanted to cut and paste the whole text here, but that would be impossible and ridiculous anyway. You can check it out at this URL:

http://gos.sbc.edu/s/solanas.html

There's a lot to say about everything that's going on in Solanas's manifesto, and I'd be happy to discuss the points she makes at length with any of you. At this juncture, however, I'll just say that I personally think she's unintentionally hilarious, but still thoroughly wrong (I mean, one would hope that I think she's wrong - for a variety of reasons), and leave you to draw your own conclusions.

I'm so fucking clever.

You guys just need to watch from 6:00 to 7:00. I can prove my point within a minute.



That minute is kind of painful in that it sounds like any number of conversations I've had with any number of random guys at the bar.

Random Guy: "Can I buy you a drink?" (Hannity: "Do you think...")

Me: "You know, I don't think you should have to ask me that! I think it's pretty stupid for guys to have to offer to buy girls a drink before they even introduce themselves, you know what I mean? I mean, it's like, some girls expect that, sure. But I'm a big girl! I can buy my own drinks, you know what I'm saying? And anyway, then, like, before you know it, you're, like, trading, like...drinks for my time, like you think my time is worth five bucks...don't you think that's weird? Don't you think that's kind of gross? It's like paying a woman to be your companion...you know? Get it? Your companion? And then girls start to expect that treatment and they turn into crazy bitches who won't say hi to you unless you have, like, like, a pink fucking cosmopolitan in your hand first, right? You know what I'm saying? And the whole system makes women into awful stereotypes like whores and force men to become, like, providers!" (Palin: "Disappointed, slow down spending, he's done just the opposite! To the degree, our country could devolve into something, Founding Fathers!")

Random Guy: "Totally, like social...uh, societal expectations" (Hannity: "...socialism?")

Although these types of conversations tend to end in vomiting/tears for me and hers ended in...well, I don't know what, since I didn't watch the end of the video, but I assume not vomiting/tears.

(Marion informed me that Palin eventually offers to feed Hannity a bunch of Moose Hot Dogs and Moose Chili, so, I guess hers ends in vomiting/tears after all. Nice)

I would like to know more about College Weekend Workshop

This is completely what happens when you go away to college.

The College Casualty from Mark Nauroth on Vimeo.

Hahaha. Did she not go home over Thanksgiving or Christmas? What kind of parents are they (besides the kind who completely ignore the fact that their daughter shows up heavily pregnant in favor of offering her some cookies [her boyfriend seems pretty excited about those cookies too...but doesn't seem to care that while he was waiting for Kim, she obviously wasn't waiting for him])? The people over at Videogum made a good observation in pointing out that if she really did turn Crazy Liberal at college, Kim wouldn't have gotten pregnant. She'd have gotten an abortion - straight up. But that's only if she didn't go lesbian.
Also, what's her problem with her name? "Kim" is a guy's name, too (supposedly). It's not like she was named Little Susie or something really fruity like that.
I also really enjoy the fake tattoo sleeves - I saw a pair of these on the subway in LA once and just laughed my fucking ass off, though the perpetrator in LA knew well enough to cover the wrist end of those arm-hose with an arm band.

(via Videogum)

Apparently this is NSFW

Ladies and gentlemen of the FairlyAlarmed readership,

I definitely want you to watch this video. Just...watch it at home. With your headphones on. Under the covers of your bed. And never speak of it again.



And now I would like to address you in terms of your gender (I apologize, but it needs to be done).
Ladies: please go home and talk to your loved ones about how this kind of thing is not necessary. Tell your boyfriend, husband, or fuck buddy that this is not the solution to their problems.

Gentlemen: No. Don't do this. For the sake of everything that is hot...don't do it. Nobody wants to find out you've been strapping hydraulics to your penis every night in the hopes that it will help with something that is fucking stupid. Neither do we want to find out that you believe a real, live man who is narrating in the style of Microsoft Mike when he tells you that urologists have been using this technique for years. I'm telling you this right now that they have not. They have been using this technique for NEVER.

Other than that, though...hilarious. A+++++++. Would buy from this seller again.

This made me laugh so fucking hard. Enjoy!

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