Clever Girl

me: apparently X just got engaged

Kyle: gross.

me: hhahah

Kyle: who's the lucky fella?

me: Y

Kyle: STUPID.

me: hahahahahaha

Kyle: haven't they both been down this road before?
AWFUL.

me: what road?

Kyle: this relationship?

me: hahahaha
evidently they worked it out
ummm...yay?

Kyle: uh...what do i say to that?
...the system works?

me: hahahahaha

Kyle: ...mission accomplished?

me: HAHA
the surge is working?

Kyle: ...our long national nightmare is finally over?
HOPE?

me: i never had sexual relations with that woman monica lewinsky?
i am not a crook?
potatoe?

Kyle: dewey defeats truman?

me: hahahahahahahahaha
that play was only alri--?

Kyle: BAHAHAHAHA.
+1

My Weekend

So far I've only survived two days out of this weekend (two days to go - a lot could go right in that time [hah, see what I did there?]) but they've been good ones. And I'm tired of staring at that last self-congratulatory entry, so I'm going to post a little prematurely and get it out of the way.

Yesterday marked Robert's last day in town before he moved to Austin (I'm so sincerely pleased at my friends' increasing concentration in that city), so he, Marion, and I went out to dinner and drinks at The Mink to send him off in style. And by "in style", I of course mean that we wanted him to be as hung over as possible. No word yet on how successful that was for him, but I definitely woke up with a touch of the getting-too-old-for-this-shit blues, which is more or less indicative that a good night was had by all involved. Unless he was squicked out by Marion and I talking at length about people in our high school class that were rumored to have had abortions.

Today I woke up and dragged my sorry ass to eat lunch with another old high school friend, Amanda. She and I also gossiped a good amount about people in our class who we've been stalking on Facebook. Not that I do that or anything. Yes I do. And to answer the question which I know is on your minds: a fair amount, actually. Anyway, we also told each other about people with whom we've been keeping in touch or at least keeping an eye on as our paths cross (as I tweeted earlier, News flash: people who were cunts in high school are all pretty much still cunts). It was a delicious two and a half hours, punctuated all the more sumptuously by my Spa Salad, which consisted of green leafy thingies, some kind of fruit, a liquid sauce, and some other shit. I also recall pine nuts, which rule. Then I came home and watched Serenity with my brother, which is the movie which takes place after the sci-fi series Firefly ends. Everything I have to say about the movie involves spoilers so I won't say anything here, but OMG OMG OMG. If you've seen the series and/or the movie, I'd be more than happy to engage in some lively discussion with you. Email me: sass.goodnight@gmail.com

I'm serious!

After that, my dad and I went to see The Wrestler, which made me almost throw up a couple of times. Have you ever gagged out of sadness? I hadn't. It is a weird combination of emotions. Again, everything I have to say about this involves spoilers, so I won't say anything. You guys, EMAIL ME AT SASS.GOODNIGHT@GMAIL.COM! I have so much to talk about. I think this may be a result of the fact that Kyle hasn't had a lot of time for me lately, what with all his new commitments in LA, so I have, like, conversational blue balls.

And now I'm watching back episodes of The Colbert Report and it is brightening my day like nothing else could have. "Viewers, welcome to my stimulus package. Hellloooo, Ladies!? This is the Colbert Report!"

I think I need to start developing some kind of sign off like that for this site. I'm Sassy Goodnight, and this is my sassy goodnight! Ladies?!? How was that? I will leave you with a picture that pretty much sums up my feelings every time I realize it's FRIDAY!

I'll Sass YOUR Goodnight!

Kyle: :P i have to go back in five minutes.

me: HAHAHAHA
what the hell was that

Kyle: bleh
is what it is.

me: no, what the hell was you using an emoticon?!

Kyle: i like how it's not a stern looking face.
it just looks like it's sick.

me: like...this? >:(

Kyle: (:P)

me: hahahaha

Kyle: sick guy in a sandwich!

me: i like watching them animate

Kyle: how come yours doesn't animate?

me: it's not an official gchat emoticon

Kyle: yours is just :( with a > over it.

me: X-(
that's the closest they get to angry
and i don't like that it has a nose

Kyle: >:)
my favorite is this:
:|

me: hahaha i know it is
it always has been

Kyle: always has been.
hahahahahahahahah!
oh man.
i couldn't love you more.
but i always try.

me: hahahahahahaha
i love you too.
we're so awesome.
[pause]
i bet we're pretty insufferable
[long pause]
dude, i took a quiz to see what my special spy name would be, and guess what my results were? (they're awesome by the way)

Kyle: tell me one, and then i'm gone.

me: yay
my spy name is Sass Goodnight, my code name is Volcano
i live in Hong Kong

Kyle: oh my god.
fine.

me: and i'm a good spy because i'm a GOOD LOVER
isn't that AMAZING

Kyle: of course you are.
(Kyle rules at picking up random brownie points - ed.)

me: BEST SPY EVER

Rejoice

Your International Spy Name is Sass Goodnight

Your Code Name: Volcano You Reside in: Hong Kong Why You're a Good Spy: You're a good lover

What's Your International Spy Name?

I posted this because it's the ONLY TIME IN THE HISTORY OF EVER that I have gotten a cool response to one of these things. Usually my code name is Muffins or something stupid. You know how your porn star name is the name of the street you grew up on + the name of your first pet (or some combination thereof)? My porn star name is Academy Non Applicable. Sexy. "Volcano", though, that's pretty SWEET, and I actually kind of want to start forcing my friends to start calling me Sass Goodnight. THAT NAME IS AWESOME. Also, being a good lover is the best reason to be a good spy - that's why James Bond is a good spy (oh, you think people would tell him the things they do if he wasn't so disarmingly sexy? You poor naive fool)! All of this, I think, would help me to get over my nicknames from middle school and high school. I'm not going to publish them here, but suffice it to say that I find them sufficiently damaging that I have banned their public utterance.

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm sure I'll be back later to regale you with wild tales from the far east...or Accounting homework.
Always and Forever,
Sass Goodnight

Not to brag or anything

Priya: speaking of which, have you ever had to read canterbury tales for school?
Priya: and if you did, how predictable was it when your prof BUSTED OUT INTO MIDDLE ENGLISH?

Caroline: YES I hated them, I now realize the only reason we read them is they're the only things that exist from that century worth reading
HAHAHA yes
"Oh don't mind me, I just spoke this way all through my Phd"

Priya: haha i had my first Chaucer class AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE SAID

Caroline: HAHA

Priya: "oh i just spoke this way all through my Phd"
seriously i wish i were kidding
then occasionally she would look up from the text and recite FROM MEMORY

Caroline: oh, my heart hurts
that poor woman

Priya: i know
then she was like "one of these days you're going to be on a date with a nice boy and you'll bond over the fact that you both had to read canterbury tales!"
and i'm like "that's the best you can do?"
seriously, the best way to motivate us is to tell us how FUCKING HORRIBLE this class is going to be!?
SHIT!

Caroline: HAHA

Priya: though i guess i'm kind of glad to be doing it because then people will be like "damn you read the canterbury tales?" and i'll be like BETTA BELIEVE IT and they'll be in awe of me

Caroline: hahaha
you and Chris can revel in your awe

Priya: did he read it too?

Caroline: yeah last semester
took a whole class on them
required

Priya: BOY WE ARE SO COOL
though mine is a Chaucer class, so we're also going over some of his lesser known works
not to brag or anything
but this is some seriously underground shit

Caroline: hahaha
before he sold out

Priya: exactly
these are like his first live shows and demos
the canterbury tales is like when he signed a contract with Capital Records

Fuck You, Penguin

You kind of need to just see it for yourself. NSFW, obviously. The link is on the left under Favourite Links. Go crazy!

Despite Everything, John Updike

John Updike died today.

I have complicated opinions regarding his body of work, but I do feel a twinge of regret that he's gone (which I didn't expect). I guess I also feel the need to mention the passing of one of our Undeniable Greats.

I am grateful that I saw him read from one of his books here in Houston, at an event with Jay McInerney. I'll look back on that night of intensely sexual excerpts and laugh always, because I was at that reading with my dad - afterwards he looked at me as we were waiting for the elevator in shocked silence and said, "we shall never speak of that again." For all my mixed emotions on Updike's writing, I certainly hope to have that kind of humor, talent, and zeal when I am 76.

He'll be missed, despite everything.

Coraline Internet Only Trailer

I've seen other trailers before. I've even seen other trailers for this specific movie before. But none of them have ever made me SUFFER A COMPLETE FUCKING CORONARY BEFORE.

This one did. Enjoy shitting your pants!



As Kyle once said after a Roger Rabbit cartoon (in which the grown-up baby looked at a foxy nurse and said "Whassa matter, baby? Scared of a little...BANG!?"), "THAT WAS FOR CHILDREN."

Random Dubai Tidbits

Dubai is the fastest-growing city in the world in terms of construction - a fourth of the world's cranes are located in Dubai.

Camel Racing is an (extremely awesome) past-time of the people who live there. Each camel costs millions and millions of dollars. They're raced by short Arabian men, obviously. Recently, however, the practice of abducting Asian children (prized for their short stature and light weight) and forcing them to become camel jockeys was prevalent. The UAE government just outlawed that practice about 5 years ago. Interesting fact: they only race camels in the UAE on Thursdays and Fridays, and only during the colder months of the year, out of respect for the animals' health.

All the vegetation in Dubai is imported - every single palm tree in the city needs to be watered and maintained, which costs about $5000 a year. Per tree.

There is a 0% income tax rate for residents of the UAE (things that would be paid for with public taxes, like creating/ maintenance of infrastructure and salaries of public workers, are provided by the Sheik. I'm not sure how that works). There are even more benefits for citizens, but it's very hard, almost impossible, to become a citizen unless you are born on UAE soil.

"Burj" means tower in Arabic. There are two famous towers in Dubai.

One famous tower is the Burj al Arab, which is a (self-proclaimed) 7-star hotel. It costs $3000 a night to stay there, and every room is a huge suite. The doors to each room are 20 feet high. You have to pay $100 per person just to get on the grounds to walk and look around at everything!

The other famous tower is the Burj Dubai, which was commissioned by the Sheik to be the tallest man-made structure in the world. The exact height of the building is being kept a secret, so that other buildings (whose owners want them to be the tallest) can't start being built until the Burj Dubai is finished. Right now it is 2,684 ft (about half a mile) tall.

UAE residents and citizens really like the term "unseemly flesh". And so do I.

I Love Us

...Wait for it. You'll know when you see it.

me: that's fantastic!
good job, baby!
now we'll just wait for the money to roll in

Kyle: hahahah!
the HOT CASH!

me: the big buxx

Kyle: buxxorz

me: bukkies!

Kyle: hahaha.

me: have a good rest of the day at work

Kyle: bukkakkes!

me: EW

Kyle: NOOOO!

me: >:(
you deserved that

Kyle: hahahahahahahahahaha!
that face is PERFECT.
i love you.

me: 8===D~~ >:(

Kyle: lol
lololololololol~!!!!!!!!!

me: hahaha

Kyle: I'M DYING.
FUCKING FUCK THAT'S FUNNY.
oh god.
emoticons ruin the fun of shit like that.
that was amazing.
okay, i'm off.
i love you.

me: i love you too.

Kyle: ...out.

Things I Thought While Staring at The World's Tallest Man-Made Structure

"It's going to be IMPOSSIBLE to take a picture with this fucking thing. How am I going to get my brother's body AND the top of the building in the frame?" (I eventually did it, BTW, because I'm awesome at photography)

"More than 120 stories? Yeah, that looks about right."

"There has GOT to be a better way to advertise what a tiny penis you have. Wouldn't a phone call have sufficed?"

"I'm hungry."

Top 10 Signs You're in India

10. The food is great almost because you're so terrified of eating it.

9. Even if you understand the language, TV commercials make absolutely no fucking sense.

8. Cricket is your new religion.

7. There's so much traffic that cows, rickshaws, motorcycles, and cars are all going the same speed.

6. Nobody obeys traffic laws - and actually, there's no actual evidence that there are traffic laws - and yet there are no traffic accidents.

5. Everything takes 45 minutes longer than you think it will.

4. You learn a hilariously insulting word and it translates to "brother-in-law".

3. Human shit is a very real point against wearing open-toed shoes.

2. Midriff-baring tops are a non-issue to the point of almost total saturation in a certain demographic, but somehow the fact that I wear bangs garnered a notable amount of attention.

1. You've officially decided that you would rather risk shitting yourself to death than not eat the food.

January 22nd

Today is my brother's birthday! He turns 20, oh my god.

In other news, I'm adding a 5th class to my schedule this semester - Women in Victorian Literature. I'm pretty stoked about it because I sent my prof a friendly email asking if I could add the class this late (I don't really need it for my degree but it could count as an elective and I figure I'll get a good grade in it)...

Hi, Dr. Lit Crit!

I saw Grant in my Shakespeare class today and he said that he has your Women in Victorian Literature class...I'm interested in the subject matter and I obviously enjoyed your Literary Criticism class last semester, so I searched for the course, but I can't find it. Is there any way I can get in at this late date? Just tell me what to do; Grant promised that if I can get in he'll let me hang out with the cool MLA students.

Thanks for your help!
- Priya

...and where she was previously very succinct in her replies to my emails, however far-afield they went, she replied thus:

Hi, Priya! -- good to hear from you -- absolutely, we'd love to have you in the class, and you'll no doubt offer much to our discussions. You should be able to register no problem -- I think there are one or two spots left. If there aren't and the class is full then Dr. Chair will have to sign you in. I'd do it myself, but as Chair his signature is the one the registrar will need. If the class is already full then just tell him I said it is fine with me for you to come in over quota. I'll tape a syllabus and reading schedule to my office door this afternoon when I come in, so you can stop by at your convenience and pick them up. The class is MW 1:40-2:55 in Jerabeck 201, so we'll see you then and there! As always, the bookstore hasn't done the order properly, so you'll want to move quickly on trying to get ahold of our first text elsewhere (Ann Radcliffe's _A Sicilian Romance_). I think Grant said he got ahold of a copy, so perhaps you could borrow from him if you have a hard time yourself finding it.

All best,
Dr. Lit Crit

PRETTY PROMISING, HUH? Maybe I'll ask her to be my best friend after all. I mean...maybe I'll try to forge and maintain a healthy relationship with a member of the school's faculty, as she could help me both in career performance and personal development, after all!

Just

Hey. What's up? That's good, that's good. I'm having a pretty good week so far. I had some classes. And, AND! Some of my best friends from high school - who also happen to be pretty much the only readers of this website (hey guys!) - happen to be all in town at the same time, which is fantastic. I had them over tonight to watch a movie or play Cranium or something like we did in the old days, but we ended up alternating between flicking through On Demand like someone who's seen too much porn and can't be excited by anything anymore and watching Craig Ferguson clips on YouTube...just like we did in the old days. Some things NEVER EVER CHANGE EVER. Seriously, kids, when you grow up and graduate...don't worry that Everything Will Be Different when you see all your friends again. Because it won't be. It'll be exactly the same, in all the best ways, which means that you'll continue to share all the random things you found on the internet which horrify you and wonder if there's a showing of Taxicab Confessions on TV anytime soon.

The notable internet clip of the night was courtesy of Lauren. It's a video of these guys doing a stage performance of something called the Yes Dance. Just...watch the clip:



Sure, it's America and it's 2008 - why the hell not? But you still can't help being somewhat disturbed by how excited you inevitably are when that guy takes his clothes off at the end. And you're not the only one who's obsessed with the Yes Dance now!



My favourite part is obviously where he keeps saying "The YouTube". Which tube, Craig?
As it turned out, Craig liked the Yes Dance so much that he talked about it on his show again the next night.



And then he talked about it AGAIN!



I think that's legitimate obsession there, right? Yeah. Speaking of legitimate obsession, ROBERT HAS A BLOG NOW. I'm adding a link over under Favourite Blogs - the title is Electricity and Lust (I don't know what that means. You should ask him. In a comment). Hey Robert!

Now I'm all worn out. It's like how everyone thinks that yesterday was going to be a wild and sexy night for the Obamas, what with celebrating "the 'Naug'" and all (God that looks hot)...



... but I'm pretty sure they just had a bunch of champagne and passed out facedown on the completely made bed with, like, one shoe off. You know how it is when exhausted old people drink. We've all been there.

Anyway, I'm going to bed.

Obama Makes For Good President (OMFG President)

I apologize for the hackneyed acronym there, but my emotions regarding today's topic are too wild and varied to make a good title with. I shall just say that I'm super fucking excited and only stupid Rick Warren could make such an awesome occasion just a little less FUCKING SWEET. Also: I had class today and it was a little anticlimactic to watch the speech on the laptop screen of the dude sitting in front of me in Accounting, but fuck it.

In that same vein, I was just reading Defamer's summary of today's Inauguration proceedings, and it was pretty amusing. Especially the last line, which more or less sums up my feelings about everything:

"And then George W. Bush got to the chopper, and flew away, to Dallas, the worst city on Earth besides Houston, where be belongs."

Robert is in town today, so he, Marion, and I are going to celebrate today's events by going to get dinner and drinks at various parties across town. Joke's on all of you who aren't in Houston today, because if you were here, I would invite you to come with us.

"Sometime Later This Week"

So I never updated you on my trip to the UAE and India, and for that I apologize. I was in Los Angeles this week, soaking in the sun, fun, and approximately four billion celebrity sightings (check my Twitter feed for the deets on that). I will give you all the promised updates very soon.

Tomorrow I start my second real semester back at college, so that should be interesting. This semester I don't have classes on Friday, so I intend to take a lot of weekend trips - I'm already planning a few to Austin to visit Lauren and John, and thinking about one to Seattle in February. Now I'm starving, so I'm off to grab some leftovers from the fridge.

It's good to be back, and I look forward to resuming my usual rantings and confusion here with you.

Fuck. Finally.

You guys,

I'm Stateside again, and I have so much to tell you about my 3 week trip to the UAE and India. All of it, however, will have to wait until some time later this week, when I regain some balance and a sense of what day and date it is. Look forward to: Top 10 Signs You're In India, Things I Thought While Staring at The World's Tallest Man-Made Structure, Random Dubai Tidbits, and My Thoughts on Camel Racing, among other things. Suffice it to say (for now) that I'm very happy to be back on my own continent.

Tomorrow I'm off to LA for a 2-week tryst with everything SoCal, then it's back to school on the 20th. This semester I'm taking Shakespeare, Chaucer, Accounting I, and Ethics. I think my brother and I are actually taking the Shakespeare class together; more on that as it develops.

And now, I'm off to take a disco nap until Marion calls and we go to Chipotle. God knows I need to beat back the unrelenting waves of withdrawal symptoms I've been suffering lately.

Kissies!

Bye, 2008!