SWAGG

Oh man, I just saw this advertisement and laughed out loud.

Is there a way to pre-download apps? I'm thinking someone should invent a way that I can just automatically opt into apps that fulfill certain categories. But what would this fulfill? First off, I don't even know what it does, and second, it has a ridiculous name, and what is that girl's face supposed to convey? For real. I guess, if the pre-downloading option were to exist, I would select "please automatically download anything that seems hopelessly retarded (that doesn't have to do with sports)"?

Spanx

I'm pretty sure the wildly polar emotions that men and women have about Spanx are rooted in whatever's at the base of what makes us different. Like the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus thing is threaded through this in some way. It's a little nebulous right now, but I just had this conversation and it touches on what I mean, I think.

Devon: NO SPANX (in response to this tweet)

Me: hahahahaha you have no idea what emotion i'm trying to convey there
and that's not your fault
it's like being killed by the person who is informing you that you've finally achieved an ideal version of yourself
you're like "oh my god, i did it? i can't believe i did it! i don't even care that i have to die now, in fact, i welcome it! and it was worth it!"
that's how i feel when i wear spanx

Devon: thats completely awful

Me: i was going to wrap that up by saying "it's not altogether unpleasant"
hahaha

I dunno. Ladies, am I alone on this one?

Oh my god I just continued the conversation...

Me: wait so why do you hate spanx so much? is it false advertising?

Devon: no its because it enables girls to hate their bodies

Me: well i didn't expect you to say THAT
hahaha

Devon: haha
surprise!

Wow, guys shutting me the fuck up forever with the pure superior quality of their souls does not happen very often at all. I will happily squash my well-documented love of the last word for this, though (and that sensation in itself is uncharted territory).

Continued Conversation

Devon: "If we had to do a murder/suicide thing, which one of us would do the murder?"

Me: "I would, obviously; you wouldn't have the guts!"

Devon (musing aloud): "Yeah, and you would be fulfilling your lifelong dream of committing a murder."

Christmas Eve

Devon: gawd
it just took me that long to wrap AH present

Me: hahahaha was it SHAPED IRREGULARLY?

Devon: no, it was a nearly perfect cube

Me: what's wrong with you then

Devon: wine

YES I was purchasing Jagged Little Pill, SO WHAT

First off, nobody has the right to recommend Creed to anyone.
Second, I was purchasing Jagged Little Pill because I already have the CD (DUH! You don't?) but I can't find it, but I REALLY want to hear "You Oughta Know" and I don't mind paying Alanis again for it. It's been, like, many years.

This completely made my day.

In Which Hyperbole falls TRAGICALLY SHORT (italics mine)

The Groupon Guide to: William Shakespeare

Plenty of fancy antique words show up in William Shakespeare's plays. To help shine a light on this forgotten (FORGOTTEN!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!) scribe, here is a glossary of some of his most commonly used terms:

"What fools these mortals be!" = I pity the fools (Haha, you got to misquote Shakespeare AND Mr. T in one fell swoop. GOOD FOR YOU)
"Out, damn'd spot!" = Get out, Spot. Tracking mud all over Mr. Shakespeare's new couch! Bad dog! Look at him. He knows what he did. (Wrong.)
"Work is for people who don't know how to fish." = Work is for people who don't know how to fish. (Clever. WHY DID YOU CHOOSE THIS ONE IF IT DIDN'T NEED TO BE CLARIFIED)
"To be, or not to be: That is the question." = Have you seen Inception? (This has nothing to do with the plot of Inception. HAVE YOU SEEN INCEPTION!?)

(Please do me a favor and kill me now. I'm begging you. I would rather be dead and forgotten LIKE SHAKESPEARE EVIDENTLY IS than have to continue in a world where ANY of these words are considered "fancy" and "antique". Also, none of these would be considered "terms" nor are they Shakespeare's most commonly referenced. You are brain dead. WE ARE ALL BRAIN DEAD.)

People notice that I'm on Twitter a lot. Like...a lot. A lot more than everyone else is on Twitter. Maybe my prolificness comes off as egotism, like I think my thoughts are so clever and I'm doing everyone a favor by publishing everything that comes to mind, but I assure you that this is not the case. I am this way in real life, too, this isn't even about Twitter. It's just that Twitter is such an obvious symptom of what I'm doing that I had to bring it up. Rather than being an exercise in tormenting a captive audience, this activity is driven by a deep-seated desire to communicate (to exchange ideas, learn, teach, be scared, or astonished, or awestruck by the diversity and multitude in the world, and to know that, in those multitudes, there is still something common between us, something that we all share). I want to reach into the void in hopes of finding someone to communicate with.
Sometimes it happens, but most of the time it feels like I'm shouting into the deepest canyon under the sea. Whatever contact occurs is tangential at best, like the wakes of two boats - the two sets of ripples reach out, collide, retract, disappear.

Even when I do my best - I try to use my words to describe a common situation, or something that seems so clear to me - it often seems like everyone else is looking back, blankly tolerant until I stop. I guess I do this to feel like I'm less alone in the world, but I am beginning to decide that a sense of community is bullshit. I don't go to sleep knowing that I am part of something bigger. I go to sleep just as alone as I've always been, one sad stupid candle, flickering until I go out, until one day I won't come back on in the morning and everything will go on just like it always has, and the thing that we share is that everyone else is alone too, everyone reaching out and attempting to feel the black nothingness, reaching out and discovering that what is without just mirrors what is within, nothingness, blackness, the void like a 3D IMAX show that your hand just passes through without changing anything.