Spam Dot Com

Hello
My medication does not cover the amount of pain I am in. They don't help me! What should I do?
That pain in my muscles in my back, & the bottom of my spine, naturally drives me crazy. It�s awful!

s

I'm sure it is awful, s. But if you find someone who will indulge your transparent drug-seeking behavior by prescribing pain medication...let me know.

Encouragement

Devon: well, if it makes you feel better...
i counted your tweets this morning and you had tweeted 41 times in the last 24 hours
lets say an average of 100 characters a tweet
4100 characters
maybe average out 6 letters per word
you tweeted nearly 700 words yesterday
without even trying!

me: HAHAHAHAHA
that's heartening and sad at the same time

Devon: WHY SO SAD

me: BECAUSE I CAN'T WRITE A NOVEL ABOUT ZOOBOOKS
(or my obsession about zoobooks)

Devon: sure, but you can work in zoobooks
btw, i had a SHITLOAD of zoobooks

me: ME TOO
apparently loving Zoobooks was not that strange
noel had them too

Devon: i think a lot of people like us and our age had them

me: i think a foundation of zoobooks turned us into this
hahha

Devon: hahaha i can believe that
zoobooks x carebears / froot loops = us

me: hahahahahahaha
basic interest in science x socialist liberalism / toxic chemicals = us
absolutely

Devon: hahahahahahahahaha
holy shit

me: i am 100% on board with that assessment

Devon: that is such an accurate representation of our generation

me: hahahaha i think so too
you had it more since you were a Montessori baby
i went to WASPy preschools

Devon: the fact that we turned out similar just strenghtens your equation, though

me: hahaha yeah that's true
a zoobook is a zoobook, no matter where you read it

WHIP YOUR HAIR GURL

That just about says it!

NaNoWriMo 2010

I decided today - on a whim! - that I'm going to participate in NaNoWriMo. That's short for National Novel Writing Month. National - that's self-explanitory. Novel - 50,000 words. Writing - that's me, hopefully. Month - November. I've been tempted to try NaNoWriMo since I heard about it a few years ago, but it never seemed like the "right time" - I always had other stuff going on that seemed more important. But I'm so, so tired of saying that one day I will write. I'm 24 years old and I don't think there will be a time in the future when I'll have fewer responsibilities than I do at this point. So: the time is now. Now is the time. In November, I'm going to write 50,000 motherfucking WORDS. All in a row. Hopefully in a way that makes sense.

And that is where my expectations for this project end. Some people put a lot of work into this BEFORE November even starts: they create outlines, plots, character sketches...but not me. Right now I'm just looking at it as an "experiment in output" as the website put it - I just want something that will force me to sit down and put fingers to keypad in pursuit of something other than a letter grade. I don't have a really clear idea of what my plot is going to be. They say "write what you know", right? I DO have a title, though! "A Year With One Foot in the Grave."

As for your expectations, I do not intend to edit this thing very much as we proceed. Editing is for people who have time. Editing is for people who have enough words, and we're not there yet. My goal is to produce enough words: in my mind, the work I produce during NaNoWriMo 2010 will be the block of marble from which my own personal David will be hewn. Which is all a long way of saying, don't expect much, and for GOD'S SAKE do not expect art. Yet.

You can check out the basics by clicking here. I, for my part, will be rocking back and forth under my desk.

This is turning into a SpamBlog, isn't it?

Dear Friend,

My name is Mrs. Rosemary C King I am a dying woman who has decided to donate what I have to charity through you.

You may be wondering why I chose you. But someone has to be chosen. I am 59 years old and was diagnosed for cancer about 2 years ago, after the death of my husband who had left me everything he worked for. I have been touched by the Lord to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to charity through you for the good work of humanity, rather than allow my relatives and family members to use my husband hard earned funds inappropriately.

I have asked the Lord to forgive me all my sins and I believe he has, because He is merciful. I will be going in for an operation, and I pray that I survive the operation. I have decided to WILL/Donate the sum of Five Million Five to charity through you for the good work of the Lord, and to help the motherless, less privileged and also for the assistance of the widows. At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls, due to the fact that my relatives are around me and I have been restricted by my doctor from taking telephone calls because I deserve all the rest I can get.

Presently, I have informed my consultant about my decision in WILLING this fund to charity through you. I wish you all the best and may the good Lord bless you abundantly, and please use the funds well and always extend the good work to others. If you are interested in carrying out this task, I will inform my consultant, so that he can arrange the release of the funds to you. I know I have never met you but my mind tells me to do this, and I hope you act sincerely. I decided that 35% of this money should be taken by you from the total sum upon the success release of this fund, because I am now too weak and fragile to do things myself because of my cancer.

NB:I sincerely know that a lot has been written about some SCAM coming out of the world, but I assure you that this will never in any way associated with that as you will be given the right to verify this directly with the finance company where the fund was deposited.

I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the task is accomplished, as I don not want anything that will jeopardize my last wish, due to the fact that I do not want relatives or family members standing in the way of my last wish.

Yours sincerely,
Rosemary C. King

PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR FULL NAME, ADDRESS, TELEPHONE/FAX NUMBER ON YOUR REPLY FOR EASY AND IMMEDIATE COMMUNICATION WITH MY CONSULTANT.

I personally love the references to "relatives or family members", which is a set of two mutually exclusive groups, obviously.

Also appreciated: the use of an "NB"! Heretofore an alien to the world of SCAM emails!

More Spam

How do you do?Im Lussine! I want to find a man to create a good family!
If you want to know me more information, you can write me a letter: [redacted]
I'll send you my photos! I think that we get the pleasure of communicating with each other.
With love Lussine!

Me too, girl. Me too. Actually no, not really. Thanks for your interest though.

10 Things Women Think When They See You Naked For The First Time (In No Particular Order) (This is by no means a complete list)

1. Well then.

2. Hey!

3. No way.

4. That's nice.

5. That's different.

6. How does this rank?...

7. ...Fuck it.

8. I hope this guy doesn't a drug habit. What was that sound? Does he have a secret roommate? I hope his secret roommate doesn't do drugs. Can they hear me? CAN THEY SEE ME shut up, self.

9. Huh?

10. Huh!

Things I'm Thinking About Now, or: I Probably Need to Take My Meds

What does it say about me that I can't even live up to my own expectations of fidelity?

Why am I under the impression that I can't have a real conversation with anyone, instead thinking that only writing can take the pain of dishonesty away...all while NEVER WRITING A GODDAMN WORD ANYWHERE and living with pulsating self-hatred on top of everything else?

What is up with exes, and why won't they just go away so I don't have to think about them anymore?

Why am I obsessed with the "anxiety of influence" lately, and what does it mean for the female American celebrity?

What does it mean for my future that I still know all the lyrics to the original Spider-Man theme song?

How does anyone manage to have working romantic relationships that are based completely on mutual trust and respect?

How does anyone manage to trust anyone?

Why am I so obsessed with milkshakes lately? Is it because I'm on "milkshake probation" and I just want what I can't have? Am I really that transparent?

Does anyone actually have a good relationship with their parents, or is my relationship with my parents just so fucked that I can't imagine anyone functioning properly?

Why can't I write a REAL GODDAMN POST FOR ONCE?

Am I completely psychotic for wanting to participate in NaNoWriMo this year?

DJBJ

me: i think your dad should be a DJ so his name could be DJ BJ (ed note: BJ are Devon's dad's first two initials)

Devon: hahahaha
ill be sure to share your input with him

me: please don't.

Yeeeeesh.

This couch gag was storyboarded and directed by Banksy, who also storyboarded and directed my nightmares.

Satan Posing As Meat

There's a new horror movie coming out soon, entitled "Chain Letter". I guess it's about all those chain letters you would get in grade school (first, actual letters with stamps and everything, later...emails in comic sans *shudder*) and how they would threaten you with "bad luck", death, even acne forever, if you broke the Chain. I wasn't aware that that was a widespread phenomenon. I never even figured out how you were supposed to choose the next person to send it to - as far as I knew, there was some secret code for divining who would play this game with fate...but not really. Basically every chain I was a part of died when the letter got to me. I didn't think it was very scary - I mean, comic sans? COMIC is right in the name!
If they really wanted to scare digital age kids, they should have called the movie:

SPAM MAIL - Time to take out the Trash Folder

Speaking of which, I just got this little gem:

Dear Beloved

I am Mrs. Elaine Albin from Malaysia, .I was married to late Engr. Fred Albin,
who worked with Shell Development Company for Twenty-Six years before he died in
the year 2005 after a brief illness that lasted for only five days.

When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of US$14.5 M in a firm here.
Following my ill health(Cancer of the Lungs), my Doctor told me that I may not
live longer than required due to my health condition.I am looking forward to
seeing someone who can use this money in charitable works. More details will be
made known to you upon your response. May God Bless You.

Mother Elaine Albin.

I wonder who actually falls for this shit. I mean, I would really like to meet someone who lost their life savings on Nigerian Prince emails - I'd like to sit down with that person and get to know them, get to know what makes them tick. Just to see what it's like to stare into the void of human consciousness, a void similar, I'm sure, to the one experienced by the first organism capable of the first thought...a deep hunger, maybe, or longing, for something more. Something...bigger. Something like fate.

Stephen J. Cannell - RIP

I know he died a couple days ago, but I just found this video (on The Awl) and, even if you're not a fan, watch it for the plays on continuity as the clip gets updated over time - the grey creeping in at his temples, the music with the logo, and a few more that I'll let you find for yourself. Kind of a goofy nerdy thrill, very cool.