I'm fairly alarmed here.

I Want to Believe

2012-01-25T02:19:00.001-06:00

Boyf and I have been watching a lot of X-Files lately.

I tried to find a better Season 1 pic but people seem to be way more interested in pics of Gillian in vinyl bodysuits or Scully and Mulder kissing. Anyway - look how young they are! Babby Scully and Babby Mulder. Aw.

We started at the Pilot and have been moving pretty steadily through Season 1 for the last couple of weeks. My old friend Owen watched all the X-Files from beginning to end a couple of years ago and it had the negative effect of making him insane and paranoid about everything, but he can be kind of dour sometimes to begin with, and he was going through a very solitary, dark period at the time...a period during which he was apparently doing nothing but working a job he hated and watching X-Files and generally hating life. It's easy to see how nine straight seasons of X-Files dramz might freak a person out.

I, on the other hand, am enjoying this thoroughly. First of all, I'm not in an especially dark, hating-everything life space right now (no more than usual anyway). And then there's all the other factors to consider: 90s nostalgia/ middle school memories, Scully (and Scully's unflinching poker face, Scully tucking a gun into the front of her pants with straight grace and skill, Scully getting shot/punched/kicked in the head and being like "ALL IN A DAY'S WORK BITCHES" etc), Scully and Mulder, and so on. Plus, I already know that the news is fake so the basic premise of this show isn't a shock to my system. Another thing: characters are constantly referencing all these cute little pre-PATRIOT ACT restrictions on the FBI. For example, in an episode I just watched tonight, a suspect smugly told Mulder he couldn't tape their phone calls without the suspect's express permission LOL isn't it darling? That keeps it from being too #dark for me. I can't wait to get further into it so we can re-learn all about the Cigarette Smoking Man, the Smoking Gun, and Scully's Mysterious Alien Cancer Baby!

Are you ready?! Let's DO IT!!!!!!!!

Believe

2012-01-18T23:59:00.000-06:00

Today someone told me that blogging is "about believing in your bad self". I became charged with the power of my specialness. And then I came over here and for some reason it just dawned on me right now for the first time ever that blogging is FUCKING STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 And furthermore this blog is fucking stupid. And so am I.

here's me

TRY HARDER

2012-01-05T12:34:00.002-06:00

me: btw [high school classmate] just friended me on facebook!

12:23 PM i accepted her

then it showed me that she was with [another high school classmate] AT ROAK FOR NEW YEARS

LOL

Devon: WOW

people...change??

me: i'm going to need so much inner beauty to get through this

You know why I always recommend taking the high road? So there's more room for me...ON THE LOW ROAD. I wish everyone would get off my inner beauty's dick lately. I'M A BITCH. JUST LET ME WORK IT.

Wrong Foot

2012-01-04T13:02:00.001-06:00

A bunch of the blogs I read have been doing "inspirational" posts to start off the new year. They're all pretty bad, but isn't this just the WORST FAKE INSPIRATIONAL BULLSHIT you have ever seen?

First of all, the quote is wrong. And second, "groud." WHY DON'T PEOPLE JUST FUCKING READ THEIR SHIT BEFORE THEY HIT PUBLISH GOOD CHRIST

Anticipating 2012

2011-12-31T14:46:00.001-06:00

God. I remember the post I made about being confused about what to "call" 2011. And now this! I'm never going to catch up. This year, I graduated from college, celebrated a lovely anniversary with Boyf, traveled a bit, made new friends, strengthened bonds with old ones, and started my MBA candidacy on the right foot...it was a big year for me and I'm so, so grateful to everyone who helped make it so.

To my readers, I hope 2011 was as good to you as it was to me - and I trust 2012 will be even better! I really can't wait to see what this year will bring.

Love,
-Priya

PS. SEE YOU NEXT YEAR! LOL

MOI!

2011-12-14T19:05:00.001-06:00

So you guys have obviously seen the Shit Girls Say video that came out a couple days ago? If you're confused, it's something that reminded you directly of me because it's a movie about MOI! But just in case you haven't seen it (I mean come on?!), here it is:

And because it is so hilarious and so well done - that guy walks in heels better than I...well, nobody walks in heels better than I do (ed note: outrageous lie)* but it was close - it obviously became super popular, and you know what happens when a "viral video" gets super popular right?

Sigh. I love a good Response Video! [Insert disclaimer re: my reservations about painting huge swaths of humanity with a single brush] I mean, I'm sure there are some girls out there that don't really identify with the characters in that first video but 1. I haven't met any, and 2. WHO CARES WHAT THEY THINK ANYWAY (humorless cunts).

I apologize for "cunts" but I've been listening to a lot of Ricky Gervais lately and he's got me convinced that it doesn't have the same American brand of misogyny attached to it in the UK and other parts of the world, so I'm going to say "cunts" and just let people think I'm very Continental or generally Well-Traveled. You might find it hard to believe that cursing a particular way can make people think you're cultured, but I HAVE SEEN IT WORK.

*Uh, fuck yeah I just (ed. note)'d myself. I have multiple personalities and they all hate each other. And you.

Jay is a Fashionisto

2011-12-08T12:38:00.001-06:00

I love this. It explains rap lyrics to you so you can become an Urban Scholar!

Of course, unfortunate things do happen occasionally, like when I clicked on a word in "No Church in the Wild" and this popped up:

#Best

2011-12-04T13:10:00.000-06:00

I feel an impact tremor...in my underpants!

Guilty!

2011-12-04T13:08:00.001-06:00

I like your Christ.

2011-12-04T09:53:00.001-06:00

I happened to see an ad for this in the corner of a gossip website I was reading. This is called the "Bless and Protect Knife." That's right - it's a knife that just happens to be a cross, not a cross that happens to be a knife. Isn't it kind of gruesome? And during the holiday season too! If Christ came back today, do you think he would appreciate this?

WOMAN.

2011-12-02T17:01:00.001-06:00

Me?

2011-12-01T13:57:00.001-06:00

I would love to just BE this moment, suspended in time, forever.

As Timely Now As It Was Then

2011-11-30T17:01:00.001-06:00

You must be wondering how
The boy next door turned out
Have a care, but don't stare because he's still there
Lamenting policewomen, policemen, silly women, tax men
Uniformed whores
They who wish to hurt you work within the law
This world is full, so full of crashing bores
And I must be one, cuz no one ever turns to me to say
"Take me in your arms, Take me in your arms and love me"

You must be wondering how
The boy next door turned out
Have a care, and say a prayer because he's still there
Lamenting policewomen, policemen, silly women, tax men
Uniformed whores
Educated criminals work within the law
This world is full, oh, so full of crashing bores
And I must be one, cuz no one ever turns to me to say
"Take me in your arms, Take me in your arms and love me, love me"

What really lies beyond the constraints of my mind?
Could it be the sea, with fate mooning back at me?
No - it's just more lock-jawed pop stars
Thicker than pig shit, nothing to convey
They're so scared to show intelligence
It might smear their lovely career

This world, I am afraid, is designed for crashing bores
I am not one, I am not one
You don't understand
You don't understand

Borign (Too Bored to Spell "Boring" Correctly)

2011-11-14T17:24:00.001-06:00

The end of the semester is upon us. This means I'm about to a lot of scrambling, a little sweat, a few tears, and lots of whining and thrashing about unproductively.

This blog is SO BORING. What should I talk about, though? All I ever do is read shit for class (I can talk about that, I guess - anyone out there interested in an UNABRIDGED history of WalMart?) and watch TV/movies with Boyf. It's nice in that I have an insanely low tolerance for drama, but boring in that I keep running into people and they keep asking that dreaded small-talky question, but who am I to blame them for being unoriginal when I myself am the most unoriginal small-talker ever? "So what have you been up to lately?"

I always just shrug and mutter about grad school being hard and everything but we all know that. Grad school is for overachieving nincompoops, and anyone who's perused the lurid pixels of this blog for longer than ten seconds knows for a fact that I'm AT LEAST a nincompoop.

...Nincompoop.

I'm depressing myself. Here's a video of Stephen Colbert doing a bank ad, probably in 1992 or something, judging from the font.

Oh, Stephen. Giving us hope that one day all roundfaced babycakes who may or may not be wearing orange lipstick can make it to the big time.

WTF IS THIS

2011-11-07T00:56:00.000-06:00

First photo included on this blog since the editing pages all changed! I made it EXTRA BIG so you can see why P-Diddy looks like someone left an empty Brita pitcher in the fridge at his apartment.

You're Really Listening!

2011-11-03T17:16:00.001-05:00

Last weekend, Boyf made a new friend at the bar. They shared a very niche interest. I thought, "Boyf has just been mourning a lack of dude bros for him to hang out with!" (Boyf's three main dude bros are away at school or just too committed to living like an adult to come hang out at all hours of the evening and morning.) "This might be good for him!" And then I forgot all about it. Today we had this conversation:

Me: are you ever going to invite that guy out for DRINX?

Boyf: hahaha wellll i didn't get his # or last name

Me: oh okay i thought you guys must have exchanged info

MEN

Boyf: hahahahaha i know

Me: girls would definitely have exchanged info

like two seconds into the interaction

Boyf: shit, buy that point yall wouldve already traded moisturizer recommendations

Ladies, we're always complaining about how men don't understand us and it's to everyone's detriment that they'll never have the proper abilities to do so. Don't get me wrong, in pretty much 99.99% of instances, I am on that boat with bells on. However...isn't it a little creepy when they have insights like this?

I mean, creepy in a completely fulfilling, delightful, You're Really Listening kind of way, of course!

Nowhere to Go

2011-10-25T15:50:00.000-05:00

I don't belong anywhere.

This is How.

2011-10-19T02:19:00.001-05:00

You have to question a cinematic culture which preaches artistic expression, and yet would support a decision that is clearly a product of a patriarchy-dominant society, which tries to control how women are depicted on screen. The MPAA is okay supporting scenes that portray women in scenarios of sexual torture and violence for entertainment purposes, but they are trying to force us to look away from a scene that shows a woman in a sexual scenario, which is both complicit and complex. It’s misogynistic in nature to try and control a woman’s sexual presentation of self. I consider this an issue that is bigger than this film. … There is something very distorted about this reality that they’ve created, which is that it is OK to torture women on screen. Any kind of violence towards women in a sexual scenario is fine. But give a woman pleasure? No way. Not a chance. That’s pornography.

- Ryan Gosling

Holy fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

Maintenance With Honors

2011-10-15T19:40:00.003-05:00

Nobody will remember my little bloggy if I don't pump air into it every once in a while and prop it up to make it look alive. Unfortunately that is probably one of the worst motives ever for keeping up a blog but it has to rank above "my boyfriend told me to because he has nothing else to read at work", right? I would never ever get talked into updating my blog for the purposes of distracting one of Houston's finest tax men from his work-day duties.

I could, however, be persuaded into distracting him from his work-NIGHT duties, which is what he is performing right now...when he should be in his apartment, eating steak and drinking red wine WITH ME! Let us not dwell on the fact that pretty much all of the gchat conversations you have read here between us have taken place between the hours of 9am and 5pm.

So...what have I been entertaining myself with while I wait for Boyf to lay his final return to rest for the evening? I just finished watching With Honors, which is the most saccharine, predictable, ham-fisted retelling of the Old Bum Who - At First Glance - Seems Like He Doesn't Have Anything to Give Mentors Young Blowhard into Appreciating Life tale I've ever lived through. the OBWAFGSLHDHAGMYBAL is not to be confused with the YBNSACDLDBAL (Young Beautiful Nymph Secretly Approaching Cancerous Death Loves Douchey Blowhard into Appreciating Life) story, of course. Maybe I didn't like With Honors because it was about a Harvard student and how he and his Harvard roomies learn to see this homeless guy as a Real Person. Though the main character skips turning in his thesis and therefore graduates without honors, he has learned to Not Judge a Book by Its Cover, so everyone's been enriched by this experience. Actually, the homeless dude isn't enriched because he dies of asbestosis. : ( But then all the roomies hug and they'll be friends forever and never forget Homeless Dude because of all the Lessons. Or maybe I'm so irritated because this movie is one in a long line of movies about how Rich Kids Have Problems Too, and not even a very good one because in With Honors, the main character's big problem is that his dad left him, but he ended up in Harvard so...? The RKHPT genre is so stale even my observation is stale - Madd TV did a sketch possibly titled Rich Kids Have Problems Too like 15 years ago ripping on Dawson's Creek. Let's name some other fun RKHPT specimens...School Ties, Dead Poet's Society, Cruel Intentions, Stepmom...Good Will Hunting, sorta?
1. It's always a guy who's lost his way
2. If it's a man who helps him, the man is old, not a viable challenge
3. If it's a woman, she's beautiful and completely nutso, but never in a way that is actually damaging. Extra points if she likes The Smiths or The Replacements or similar.
4. The helper - man or woman - leaves forever
5. The Changed Man goes forth into an uncertain future, but you have a nice feeling in your heart that, thanks to the old man or beautiful woman, he has the emotional and psychological tools to weather any storm. That's good because he was rich when the movie began so he's got that covered.

Even THIS is so done I feel like I've written it before because everyone hates this kind of movie, except for all the people who evidently LOVE this kind of movie because...because what? Because it's comfortingly formulaic? Ehhh, now I think about it...yeah, probably because it's comfortingly formulaic. I'm not one to hate on comfortingly formulaic (it's why I go to Starbucks - I always order the same thing in the same way and it always comes out the same) so I will just end this by saying UGH I CAN'T BELIEVE I WASTED TWO HOURS OF MY LIFE ON "WITH HONORS", but wasting your time with this blog entry is kinda helping me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Misery DOES love company!

I should take this rant over to Four Star Reviews, actually, since this would be a perfect project. Ughhh but I already got out all my With Honors hate! Where am I supposed to find FOUR WHOLE STARS in that mess?

Anyway, I found the Madd TV clip: the sketch is titled Pretty White Kids with Problems, which is also very accurate.

Too Bad.

2011-10-04T10:49:00.002-05:00

I'm going to Starbucks, can I get you anything?
Ughhh sorry I'm late to class, was there something due today?
Oh, did I hurt your feelings when I made fun of you just then?

Too bad.

Hey what the hell happened around here? Or: The Epic Story of One Girl's Descent Into Madness, Brought to You by Blogger

2011-09-28T00:41:00.005-05:00

So Blogger went and redesigned the page right out from under me! Up is down. Black is white. I can barely double-click a mouse and now they want me to do HTML? Exhausted. I'm out of practice.
If blogging were exercise Fairly Alarmed would be a fat sweaty 45 year old man who hates his job.

Ugh, just looked at this thing from the viewer side and I see my fucking sidebars look like shit and everything is just all janked up everywhere. I even hate the stupid background I picked after looking around for two seconds because I was frustrated.

Okay now I've gone through a little more thoroughly. So at first I hated the new dashboard and interface but after messing around with it a little bit I've started to realize it's actually much better. For example, I never knew how to make the white space bigger in my old layout so YouTube videos would extend past the page boundary and look stupid and sloppy, but as you can see I managed to finally fix that!

Well! That was a very interesting story. If you are interested in publishing my adventure in your local (or national!) journalistic publication, please email me: YouStink at NoTalent dot com. Allow me to suggest some headlines for your story - If I may be so bold!

Area Girl First Intimidated by Change, Adjusts
Area Girl Lives Story of Empowerment Through The Miracle of Self-Agency
Area Girl Overcomes Extremely Minor Product Confusion by Pretty Much Just Reading the Instructions

Look at that punctuation and everything! I'm getting pretty good at this. You can put that in your article if you want to.

Confusing Ad Campaign

2011-09-13T11:58:00.003-05:00

There's this movie called "Drive" coming out soon, and it stars Ryan Gosling. That's all I know about it. I am, however, pretty sure it is NOT about Ryan Gosling getting his groove back in the big city. So what the hell is this?

Unless it IS about Ryan Gosling getting his groove back in the big city, in which case, sign me up for 15 thousand tickets please.

So good!

2011-08-31T00:34:00.002-05:00

Oh god. If I had a dollar for every boner this video gave me, well...lunch would be on me. But I don't, so it isn't.

Back!

2011-08-26T15:25:00.002-05:00

Yes, I was gone for a while there. First I went to Costa Rica with the Boyf, then I went to the Galapagos with my fam, THEN more family came into town and stayed for two weeks, and I never had more than a couple days between those three stretches of time. If you've ever traveled internationally twice in a month, you know that two days is enough time to catch your breath, do a load of laundry, pack again, throw a temper tantrum, and drive to the airport. So that accounts for all the days. Actually no it doesn't, because this week I started classes for my MBA program. So...there's that. Now that I'm re-entering society (which kind of feels like being a meteorite burning up in Earth's atmosphere but whatever), I see that Beyonce made me a present! I'm sharing it with you because I am nice like that.

Fuck, Beyonce, FINE!

This post sponsored by the committee to elect Beyonce for Empress of the United States.*

*Which is incidentally comprised only of the author of this post.

Pondering My Quarter of a Life on Saturday Night

2011-07-16T23:17:00.005-05:00

Science has proven that a person's brain has completed its growing and pruning by age 25. This means that the person can now reliably think in adult terms, accurately weighing or linking risks, rewards, actions and consequences. What it comes down to is: a 25 year old is physiologically capable of making better decisions. This is the reasoning behind the oft-cited "25 year" rule of renting cars - after you turn 25, the rate per day charged when you rent a car drops dramatically, because after 25, you're much less likely to rent cars and trash them for funsies or something? 1. Johnny Knoxville would beg to differ, and 2. Any 24 year old that rents cars just to trash them for funsies has a lot more to worry about than their brain's pruning status.

I turned 25 yesterday. Since I read a bunch of studies about what makes a 25 year old's brain different (better) than a 24 year old's, I've spent the last 6 months or so looking forward to my shiny new Grown Up Brain. I couldn't wait to finally take interest in calcium intake, interior decorating, and What's Wrong With Kids Today, if only because I thought it would allow for significantly less boredom at family get-togethers (I'm the oldest unmarried cousin in my family, so I don't usually have a lot of company at the kids' table). I kind of expected to wake up today with a whole new perspective on all the adventure, ambition, and general folly of my first 25 years, a perspective (like my parents') that instead labeled all that time with words like ludicrous, reckless, needlessly rebellious.

I didn't! I rolled out of bed this morning with the same stupid hangover I've had just about every weekend since I turned 23 (I drank before then, of course, but with COMPLETE IMPUNITY - this is the detail which prompts me to join those shaky, wrinkled ranks, wailing, YOUTH IS WASTED ON THE YOUNG!), and felt the same about my past as I always have: not all that bothered about it, even kind of confused. I mean, unless something has gone horribly wrong, is a person supposed to spend a lot of time thinking about the past? The past is gone. All that exists is what you do in the current moment, right? Only the future can be considered, and even then only through the thick, distorting lens of chance. Of course, a 25 year old would think that; an 85 year old might be more prone to think the opposite - I imagine for the elderly it's so uncertain that the future will even come to pass that the past has a far more compelling draw. I don't know. Life at 85 is purely theoretical for me.

I once had a friend who wholeheartedly believed that Christ was going to return before she graduated from college, so she didn't really worry about the marketability of her degree. I sort of feel the same way about getting old. Oh well, I'm pretty sure I'll just kill myself at age 50 when anti-wrinkle creams are more a Resolute Gesture than Preemptive Strike, so why worry about 80? Which means that whatever I'm dealing with now is not a Quarter Life Crisis but a Half Life Crisis. What am I going to do with the next half? If the future is all that bears consideration, consider the future. Fine:

In the next half of my life, I plan to accomplish the following.
- Take more time for quiet reflection, writing (deciding if I even CAN write), reading for pleasure
- NO MORE DRINKING
- Finish school
- Get a job
- Finally resolve my internal tussle with the notion that I am very happily monogamous but marrying a man seems like the equivalent of entering a legally binding contract with a puppy on crack
- Decide whether my uterus is a political battlefield only or a political battlefield AND a place to grow someone who will definitely get fucked over by politics
- Learn to live with my mother's constant, unending disapproval of literally every thing in the world
- Learn to live with my dad's constant, unending assertion that he knows everything about literally every thing
- Learn to live with the fact that I AM THEM AUGHHHHHHH

Tall orders all, but when it comes to planning an adventure I do like to be ambitious.

Why, Lord? WHY.

2011-07-12T11:12:00.003-05:00

This trailer just ruined so many things for me. Life, for example.

A Tale As Old As Time

2011-07-05T17:19:00.003-05:00

Firefighters rescuing kittens. How classic can you get?

Also classic:

"WRONG ONE! Wrong one."
"Other hole."

But what I like best about this video is the fact that the whole group of manly firefighters breaks into nonstop crazy giggling at the sight of the kitten shooting out of the tube. Just unending cackles back and forth, forever.

Dating Advice From a Sex Worker

2011-06-28T15:19:00.002-05:00

No, not me, you assholes! HER.

Anyway:

Complain about being fat. Seriously, men love reassuring women that they’re not fat. He may roll his eyes, but a man can tell you not to lose that booty, that you’re crazy, and that your thighs are juicy and he’ll feel as good about himself as he would after volunteering in a soup kitchen all day.

If you’re anorexic, sickly, or morbidly obese and this is not feasible, choose something else for him to reassure you over that is completely inconsequential. Act embarrassed about a broken nail or an invisible bruise. Don’t point out anything legitimate like your cystic acne. Start off all incredulous-like when he says that he still finds you attractive with only nine acrylics. Let him slowly convince you that you’re a beautiful woman. He’ll tell you all about how he doesn’t want those airbrushed models in the magazines with the ten nails that all look the same. Your relationship is only getting stronger.

That bit about "those airbrushed models in the magazines with the ten nails that all look the same" was my favourite. NAILS ARE OVERRATED. But I'm addicted to manicures anyway.

DAMN GUMMINT MADE MAH OVARIES EXPLODE

2011-06-24T09:44:00.003-05:00

Can you guys see that cute girl in the front row? Wearing the red tank top? That's me. I clapped and smiled when I saw this video.

I been there.

2011-06-16T16:51:00.001-05:00

This beaver is like "Ummm I DON'T THINK SO" and I totally understand.

...Did you hear it click?!

2011-06-16T16:38:00.002-05:00

Oh god these two. What a couple of sweethearts. I'm dying.

Oh, RYE RYE!

2011-06-16T11:28:00.002-05:00

RYE RYE, WHEN ARE YOU GONNA DROP YOUR ALBUM ON US!!!!?

Courtney Love, again!

2011-05-26T16:12:00.007-05:00

Just reading this interview with Courtney Love on TheFix.com - a website about addiction and recovery.

Most of it comes off exactly like you'd think: the woman's brain has been so long addled that even when she's totally sober she sounds like someone threw a Tom Wolfe novel into a garburator and tossed some crack in after. By which I mean to say that the woman clearly has an intellect under there, and uses the fancy words in all the right places, but the ideas she tries to communicate are often transparently self-serving Hollywood bullshit (even to the point of highlighting her own dubious mentoring of Kelly Osbourne, Kristin Stewart, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton, bragging about buying both her pharmacists - one on each coast - big TVs for Christmas) and she just doesn't realize it...which is depressing.

This depressing-ness is only compounded by the fact that it's being relayed by someone who reads as wildly out of touch with reality. In my mind she's beginning to epitomize the celebrity who became a star because they had the ego to believe they deserved it in the first place, and multiplied by three thousand billion because she's been in show biz so long that nobody's said "no" to her in a meaningful way in like 20 years. It's not a nice thing to think about someone but it really doesn't seem like she can talk about anything other than drugs and herself (granted, this is an interview about drugs and herself, but I'm also thinking about every other interview with her - about her albums, about her daughter, about Kurt, about Twitter).

I guess the reason I find it depressing more than anything else is the fact that all her interviews are sprinkled with conversational glitter such as: "At the time, I was getting bundles of blow delivered to my house by a mulatto in a Nissan with a dragging muffler." Yes, I regret the use of "mulatto", but the sentence is such a perfectly hilarious way to start a story anyway. This is what I mean by intellect! She seems like the kind of girl I would hang out with a lot if she wasn't such a reckless shitshow all the time. I think maybe her problem is that she doesn't belong in the actual real world (where some people are accountants and some are poor and some are stupid and everyone's bored) and instead should be injected into a Tarantino movie - like Jackie Brown (the parts in Samuel L. Jackson's apartment with DeNiro and the blonde) crossed with True Romance (Alabama, duh, read the last paragraph of the article) and Four Rooms (where they find the dead hooker).

In 20 more years they should raid her house and film everything, Grey Gardens style. Or maybe not...something tells me she's a screamer.

Losing the plot

2011-05-23T15:08:00.006-05:00

Watch this first:

I saw the video first in a Vulture update. the first time I watched it I was mostly apathetic. I was confused by the fact that only one of them was rapping.

Then I watched it again after reading this great Hairpin article about Kreayshawn, dubbing her a member of "basically that whole crop of young people who look and act like cartoons, and where you can't tell how much of the joke they're in on and how much of the joke you just don't get because you're old, or if everything is just stupider but funner-looking now." I think that's incredibly apt. But that conclusion made me start to hate it. The older I get the less patience I have for music that makes me think too hard or refer to the linguistic theories of Lacan. Kreayshawn wasn't coming to me: she was making me meet her halfway by insisting that I apply the patina of irony over fucking everything just to watch her wearing those GODDAMN MINNIE MOUSE EARS? And she can't even make her name easy to spell? I don't need another thing to look up obsessively like that damn Icelandic volcano!

Then I made Devon watch it. This started us on a long conversation about how annoying rat-tails are. As a hairstyle. Then I realized that Kreayshawn's friend didn't actually have a rat-tail but was imitating the look of one by installing a feather extension at the nape of her neck. Fuuuuuuck! Irony again? Or are we post-irony now?

So now I've listened to this song like six or seven times and I actually might be starting to like it. The Hairpin made a good point when they said that "One big room, full of bad bitches" was a rad hook. Am I getting the joke now or am I the joke? Or is this something more like Stockholm Syndrome? The thought occurs to me know that all participation or partaking in the "myth of cool" is a symptom of Stockholm Syndrome with an entirely different captor.

They tell you the first step in winning a war is knowing your enemy. But who is the enemy? The Illuminati or something?

Oh god, I just went and watched this fucking thing:

And now I have to go SLIT MY GODDAMN WRISTS for thinking this hard about someone so thoroughly moronic that she would say that Shakespeare "had swag". SHAKESPEARE DID NOT HAVE SWAG. HE HAD MOTHERFUCKING DIGNITY. I was just poised to make some crack about Shakespeare being an artist, but I realized that it's not Kreayshawn's fault if she isn't, like, booksmart in historical shit. It doesn't make her less of an artist in practice if she's ignorant of theory (not that I'm saying this qualifies as Outsider Art). But still. Shakespeare did not have fucking swag. He just didn't. Dumas had swag. Milton had some fucking SWAG. But not Shakespeare. Fuck you.

And take off that fucking hat!

Damn Hippies!

2011-05-15T13:02:00.001-05:00

Just kidding, this scene is definitely going to haunt my nightmares forever and ever.

Go on and...

2011-05-11T16:49:00.001-05:00

Scratch Everything

2011-05-09T20:10:00.001-05:00

From now on I want to be Nicki Minaj in any outfit from this video. Mkay? Just choose one. HURRY UP! CHOOSE ONE! Not so easy, is it? They're all pretty rad. I'll just have to take ALL OF THEM! DADDYYY!!!!!!!

SCARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-05-09T16:38:00.001-05:00

This cat is going through some stuff and I totally get it.

OH SHUT UP

2011-05-09T14:09:00.003-05:00

In other news, it is Finals Week.

The Politics of Unfriending Someone

2011-04-28T19:10:00.003-05:00

There are certain times when it becomes necessary to unfriend someone (yes, I am talking about Facebook). Logic would dictate that the Facebook unfriend would be distinctly more casual than the "real life" version of such an action, but logic unfortunately has no place in this discourse. First of all, one rarely decides not to be friends with someone in real life - usually I realize I haven't spoken to someone for five years and think, "I guess we're not friends anymore!" Then, when/if the decision has been made, there is less of a formal action in real life to indicate that the friendship has been discontinued. It's more of a fading away...until someone wakes up and thinks, "I haven't spoken to Priya in five years!" On Facebook, everyone has concrete evidence that one of you has decided that there is no longer A Friendship. This can be a big deal, because it's objective proof of a very subjective experience. What if both people don't see it the same way?

The subjectivity of the Facebook Unfriend is part of what can make it such a troubling thing to go through. One person may see a particular episode as a watershed event in the friendship, while the other thinks that everything is going along as usual. Thus the Unfriend can be jarring, and maybe even feel spiteful, since it often comes without previous discussion or forewarning. The person who deletes his or her friend is, after all, making a semi-public announcement that something unforgivable has taken place.

"Something unforgivable" means different things to different people, however, and this ambiguity can get even more complicated when it involves a person who is part of a relationship. Last night I asked Devon, "Why didn't you unfriend that kid a year ago?" That kid, in the course of our dinner together one night, mentioned that he did not believe that the Holocaust really happened. A HOLOCAUST DENIER! I responded to his statement by drinking a margarita the size of a fishbowl and being as caustically sardonic as possible all through dinner, and assumed that Devon would unfriend him when the night was through. A year and a half later, however, the friendship remains intact (on Facebook anyway), and this miscreant most foul has continued to crop up and post insane political nonsense (the kind of political nonsense you'd expect a Holocaust denier to post, if you're wondering) from time to time, turning my blood to boiling, roiling lava each time I think of him and my boyfriend being friends. Devon's response to my question, by the way, was, "I just didn't think about it." I just checked again (see what I mean about concrete proof) and almost 20 hours after our conversation, they're still friends. This angers me deeply since 1. I believe firmly that HOLOCAUST DENIERS SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATED/APPEASED. EVER, 2. The fact that my boyfriend is doing it kind of makes me feel like I'm tolerating/appeasing this unbelievable shitbag, which I DEFINITELY WOULD NOT, given the opportunity. Maybe Devon didn't unfriend the Holocaust denier because he is a patient person (which he is, in this case - I believe - to a fault). Maybe he didn't do it because Facebook politics just aren't that important to him so his Facebook actions do not reflect his day-to-day life. Maybe he didn't do it because...well, the world is full of possibilities, isn't it?

Oh, good heavens. This is just delightful.

2011-04-26T16:25:00.002-05:00

I'll just let it speak for itself.

Don't you just LOVE Oscar Wilde? Okay, who doesn't, obviously. But still. O Oscar, REANIMATE YOUR ROTTED CORPSE AND rescue me from the terrible obscenity of modern communication!

Cool!

2011-04-25T17:07:00.003-05:00

I just saw this super informative ad while I was reading an article on Salon...

...that's a mango. Neither strange nor African, incidentally, but WHATEVS RIGHT

Baby Celebrity

2011-04-25T15:45:00.005-05:00

LOOK AT THIS LIL GUY! Do you recognize him?

It's Nathan Fillion! IN JORTS AND ROLLERBLADES. LOLOLOL. All the LOLs. I kind of want to tweet it at @nathanfillion and heckle him a bit but I feel like that would be just incredibly unfair. Strangers don't heckle me about my senior yearbook picture, thank GOD. On the other hand I am this sexy FOR FREE and Nathan gets paid a lot to do what is (essentially) the same job. Wait where am I going with this...um...anyway, Nathan Fillion as a wee lad, and don't let his outfit make you feel like you know Canadians now, because you don't.

Oh my god upon further inspection I see that he is wearing WRIST GUARDS AND A FANNY PACK. lajfalkdjflakfja NATHAN! What is the meaning of this!

Les Yeux

2011-04-25T14:28:00.008-05:00

I've been reading Mindpop lately - it's the blog of Nina Mitchell, a young lady who had a stroke when she was 26. The thing I like about it is her recovery into the weird shit we call normalcy reveals the brain-debris that make up everyone's minds, and influence the way we communicate and how think about ourselves and other people (for example, Nina asks, "Do you think personality is permanent?" The answer is, "Have a stroke and you will know that you are false").

Her blog also examines her experience of being disabled in a culture which shies away from the mentally or physically imperfect (which, by the way, is EVERYONE, duh, we know this already, it bears mentioning anyway). To that end, Nina also exposed me to this incredible advertisement by CAP48, a Belgian disability organization:

The caption reads: "Look at my eyes. I said, my eyes." Girl, I been there. Sort of.

Oh man I think you're going to like this one!

2011-04-20T16:04:00.001-05:00

1. It's a video
2. Of a baby penguin
3. ...Wait for it...
4. BEING TICKLED

Ummmm, because of Society and stuff?????

2011-04-17T22:06:00.002-05:00

Watching this and talking about how it's "real" and it's freaking me OUT. I am going through some stuff right now.

Ashley Madison

2011-04-15T16:48:00.003-05:00

This #literally makes me feel like killing myself.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa

2011-04-14T13:06:00.001-05:00

oh my god. inject this into my eyeball. fill up my brains.

I laughed. Literally. The entire time this was playing.

2011-04-13T16:26:00.002-05:00

I dunno! Something about all those kids shitting themselves in terror and/or delight just made me giggle.

One Thing I Love

2011-04-12T18:15:00.002-05:00

is that my conversations with Devon more often than not can be just boiled down into the difference between men and women. See for yourself:

Devon: hahaha wow, i just got a groupon for half off a 24K gold collagen mask, shampoo and style, and 30-minute massage
does gold make it better?

me: hahahahahahaha NO
i mean
yes
but not really

And just earlier today we were talking about what makes lip gloss and lipstick different. Is this (SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MAKEUP! SHOES! THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SILK AND SATIN!!!) how he feels when I attempt to understand about engine components?

In Which Some Troubling Personality Defects Come to Light

2011-04-11T17:25:00.004-05:00

I just took this personality test at the behest of my daily VSL email and this is my diagnosis:

Always happy in a crowd, you love to converse, to relate, and above all to have fun. You tend to think in a more holistic manner than many others. Like a crow you are attracted to shiny objects, new ideas, playful exciting colors and the thrill of a new personal relationship. You love to talk or gossip. You are highly invested in the reality of day-to-day life. Practicality is far more important than issues of honor or allegiance. You are a creature of the here and now. You are a natural multi-tasker, often switching mid-thought from one duty to another. You have a flair for presenting your personality in your work, and are known as a great storyteller and natural actor. You are very skilled at taking in a barrage of information and distilling what is most important from it. Naturally charming, you are quick to win new friends. Over stimulation is a danger.

Um...some of that is terrifyingly accurate for the kind of material that was covered; this is no OkCupid personality quiz, which is to say: I highly recommend taking this test if only to experience the sensation of staring at a star and a square in efforts to answer "Which of these shapes can control your mind?" If any of you know wtf was going on with that line of questioning, please get in touch and/or send me links to cray-cray psychological studies about shapes, colours, vibrations, and how they relate to the REVELATIONS OF THE SUBCONSCIOUS MIND!!!!!!

Too Bad For Me!

2011-04-11T14:40:00.002-05:00

I just saw this ad and actually, out loud, said "Oh FUCK YOU!"

I mean, come on. I want a dessert tower. YOU ASSHOLES. I'm so hungry. Fuck.

NATIONAL PUPPY DAY!

2011-03-23T16:04:00.002-05:00

I mean, every day is National Puppy Day, but today it is OFFICIAL.

D'aaaawwwwwwwwwwwwww.

[Via]

Priya's Treatise on Unpopular Daughters

2011-03-21T18:28:00.005-05:00

I just read this article about a woman who was part of the first generation of women to receive birth control - who didn't have to necessarily equate sex with pregnancy and children. She wants to know what it is about mothers of her generation that lets their daughters dress "like prostitutes" in this age of hypersexuality. Moses ~~closes~~ concludes, "We wouldn't dream of dropping our daughters off at college and saying: 'Study hard and floss every night, honey—and for heaven's sake, get laid!' But that's essentially what we're saying by allowing them to dress the way they do." Her thesis is that every girl wants to be popular, and every mother wants to help her daughter be part of that crowd. I have reservations.

First of all, there is no such thing as "this age of hypersexuality" - they're ALL "this age of hypersexuality" if you think about it.

Now. My mom - and all my friends' moms - were part of that generation, too, and none of us dressed like prostitutes. Ever. Not at prom, not at house parties. Never! I know. Maybe it was because we weren't allowed to, but I never had the That's Too Revealing conversation with my parents. I don't know if I was just incredibly lucky, but nobody ever threw a Slurpie in my face; I wasn't unpopular, I was just not popular. It's an important distinction. I never really felt talked down to or excluded by the popular kids, because I had a tight-knit group who always had my back. We had each other, and, looking back on that time in my life, I realize that I regularly felt the sensation of being very popular (within our sphere of influence). So obviously our mothers - consciously or not - did help us become popular, and not the kind that sends naked texts. This is how my parents did it:

My parents always stressed that the special thing about me was my intelligence, my humor, my personality in general. Sure, they told me I was pretty (WHAT PARENT DOESN'T TELL THEIR KID THIS) but it was not the kind of "pretty" that high school dudes are into. Maybe that's the difference between Moses' daughter and me: I wasn't hot! OF COURSE I fostered the occasional crush, lust, whatever, but nothing ever came of it. Like, nothing. Okay - I had my first kiss in high school and THAT'S IT. And I would be lying if I wrote that I felt like my inexperience at that point was a bad thing. To this day I'm REALLY happy that I didn't sleep around in high school, but mainly because (from what I understand), high school guys are generally fumbling sexual morons, not because I feel like I'd be "worth" less or traumatized if I had.

Also, my parents told me OVER AND OVER again that the popular kids had reached their peak by the time they were 17. This was not at all true in most cases, since I went to an affluent private school where lots of the popular kids grew up to get degrees in Finance (*cough*) but in at least one case it was SO TRUE and oh my god that case still shakes me to my bones with its trueness. Yeeeesh.

Things that my parents had no effect on but still helped a lot:
- I had the aforementioned Best Besties who had the same (alright, somewhat geeky) interests as I did and who never made me do anything I didn't want to do.

I think about this from time to time: How, as a FEMINIST!!!!!, I might raise my own Hypothetical Daughter. This is what I've managed to narrow it down to:

1) Do not be squeamish about sex talk, boy talk, drug/booze talk, girl talk, or any other kind of talk. Treat Hypothetical Daughter like you'd treat your high-school self: with dignity, respect, and a dash of humor. Make it clear that HD can ask you, tell you, ANYTHING and you will not flip out (unless a crime has been committed or someone's safety is otherwise at risk - be a responsible adult, parents!), and then, when she does come to you with something legit fucked up, FOLLOW THROUGH by giving her the benefit of a level-headed response from an adult with only her best interests in (realistic) mind! Give good, solid advice - use examples, illustrate with your own experience, extrapolate, but BE HONEST - and she will keep you in the loop. The important part, as always, is: FOLLOW THROUGH!!!!

2) Make HD aware of her Self as a Person. A strong sense of Self, and the rights that Self affords her, makes it easier to determine exactly what that Self is not okay with doing, and why that boundary has been drawn. I always knew that I had the RIGHT! to say No to something I didn't want to do, and people just had to respect it or I wouldn't be their friend anymore. Maybe I've just always been a super-opinionated shitheel, but that position has afforded me the best friends I could ever have asked for (love you guyyyzzzz), because toxic frenemies were not tolerated, and all that remained were genuinely supportive, loving GALS from the planet OhMyGod HighFive.

Also: Dressing provocatively doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to DO IT when you're 13. Your daughter could be Supes Hot but if she has a personally compelling reason to avoid doing Bad, Peer Pressure-y Stuff, she just...won't do it. No Commandments Necessary.

And stop saying that your daughter's peers look "like prostitutes". You clearly have no idea what real prostitutes look like (Hint: Not your 13 year old daughter at a Bar Mitzvah), so that comparison is hilarious for your daughter to hear, while simultaneously shaming your daughter for having done something she didn't...actually...do.

ALSO: WHAT IS WRONG WITH GETTING LAID IN COLLEGE. I mean, Freshmen: USE PROTECTION FOR EVERYONE'S SAKE, AND GET TESTED IF YOU DO IT A BUNCH WITH PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW AS WELL AS YOU MAYBE SHOULD (which is a lecture for another day), but if you have instilled in your daughter the sense that she knows exactly what her limits are, and why those are her limits, what she does in college will not traumatize her forever. It won't traumatize her at all!

Go forth and prosper! Oh - good luck with your sons, by the way. I don't know what the fuck to do about them.

My Heart Will Go On

2011-03-19T13:55:00.004-05:00

My mom is listening to a Bollywood song from 1995 while she works out in the other room. Every Indian person I know knows this song, even if you have to hum the melody for them to remember it. Indian DJs know to have it in their arsenal at an Indian event - I'm positive I've heard it at literally every Indian wedding reception I've ever been to (since 1995), and I have been to A LOT of Indian wedding receptions. My mother has 40 cousins. FORTY!!!!!! Indians be...havin' babies.

This is weird for me to try to explain because the American equivalent would be to unironically listen to the theme from Titanic. Also, I get sick of songs if I hear them too often in a one-week span; this Bollywood song has passed that point and cycled around to whichever point it is that I actually have dreams wherein this song plays in the background and I don't even realize it until a week later. It doesn't even annoy me anymore. This song is no longer just the theme to a movie - it's the theme for a people. It's an anthem. For ladies who saw this movie. In 1995.

SIDE NOTE: I just read the Wikipedia article for this movie (I saw it when I was 10, come on) and hollyyyyy crap. It made me realize how Shakespearean a lot of these classic Bollywood flicks are - the comedies are mischievous and cute, until everything almost turns into a huge tragedy, and then everyone gets married, whereas the tragedies are like comedies (you know, sad comedies though), and they alllllmost turn out okay, until everyone DIES. My god. Heartstrings, consider yourselves plucked. I'm going to go eat lunch and think about organizing a Bollywood night wherein all my white friends GET SKOOLED (also: all my white friends watch me ugly cry because you guys srsly these movies are intense).

GHOST WRITER

2011-03-17T15:26:00.003-05:00

me: I WANT TO SEE GHOST WRITER TONIGHT (you all may remember from my tweets the other night that we kept having to restart Ghost Writer because we were distracted by involved side-commentary on the economic activities of the European Union...anyway we gave up at 1:30AM because it was a school night and we had only made it about 30 minutes into the movie)

Devon: well thats TOO BAD cuz its st pattys day and me 1/8th irish and i are going to get fucking drizzunk

me: mannnnnnnnn FINE
what are you going to do?

Devon: i dunno, but its gonna be with you, baby

me: haha oh, i mean, MY plan is to tie a rope to the back of your pants and yank it any time you wander into something dangerous or do something i don't like

Devon: hmmmm something tells me im gonna get yanked a lot

A gay eye to portrait photography

2011-03-17T12:15:00.003-05:00

I got this in an email last night. When I showed it to Devon, he laughed and said, "Life's Mission: Accomplished!" I'm not sure what that means.

This Apartment Hunt Thing, MY GOD

2011-03-15T21:33:00.001-05:00

me: i feel so discouraged since nobody is fucking calling me back or emailing me or ANYTHING
is it my voice? do you think i have a dumb voice?

Devon: i dunno baby

me: you
dunno

...

2011-03-07T16:28:00.001-06:00

This image was presented to me, sans context, in the middle of an OkCupid personality test (yes, it is 2001, and yes, I was trying to figure out what my spirit animal is).

I don't even.

What.

The Tragedy of First Position

2011-03-01T20:51:00.002-06:00

Girl?

.
..
...
..
.
..
...
..
.
..
...
..
.

I BEEN THERE.

The Real Life Simpsons

2011-02-21T16:48:00.001-06:00

Come Home To The Simpsons from devilfish on Vimeo.

What, no blue hair for Marge? Bart makes up for it.

Tan Hong Ming In Love

2011-02-21T15:48:00.001-06:00

Sorry, kid. The whole world does know. OF YOUR TRIUMPH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Priya's Guide to Parties for Twentysomethings

2011-02-21T00:36:00.006-06:00

You guys, I'm not gonna lie. I give good party. Therefore, I feel qualified to give you advice on this matter.
My one and only rule when it comes to parties is: Keep It Simple. The most any good house party needs is:

1. A well-curated guest list. Only invite people who can be trusted to be courteous (or are at least happy drunks), and make it clear that any deviance from your guest list that has not been explicitly approved BY YOU is frowned upon. I recognize that this sounds like a rule that only a hard-ass would employ, but believe me - being able to trust your guests to wander around your home unsupervised and not destroy/steal/maim things is Worth It.

2. Music your guests actually enjoy. That means songs from your collective childhood (Spice Girls or Biz Markie), shared adolescence (Blink-182 or early Jay-Z), and whatever your friends are listening to now. No matter how "bad" these bands are in retrospect, you still know all the words to "What's My Age Again?" and it makes you smile. Admit it.

3. Booze. You are responsible for "getting the ball rolling" (read: Have beer and a handle each of vodka/whiskey/gin, and a 2litre each of Sprite/Coke/orange juice) - considerate people will ask if they can bring anything. Your answer should always be, "I dunno, booze I guess? Whatever you like to drink." You have a favourite drink, yes? But sometimes people don't have tonic or grenadine or your brand of gin. If you bring it yourself, you guarantee your favourite drink will be there. This logic applies to your guests. Also, this allows for interesting beers to show up at your party. People don't usually begrudge this small allowance, as it merely requires that they drop some pocket change on the way to your house.

4. Food. Unless it's a dinner party, people will be really impressed that you have those little eggrolls that you make in the oven. Get thee to Costco and buy like three different items (the aforementioned eggrolls, chips/salsa, veggie plate w/ dip - there, I made your list for you). Put cook-able items in the oven like 25 minutes before you think people will actually start to arrive (then they will be done - nice and hot - when people are actually there to eat them).

5. You. This is your party, and these are your friends!
Do: Keep in mind the reason you thought of having this party in the first place.
Don't: Spend the evening hovering and worrying - you already did the work by organizing this event, and people will feel kinda guilty if you don't seem like you're having fun.
Set everything in motion (remember your eggrolls and get them out of the oven!) and, when it comes time to party, enjoy it!

Holy. Shit.

2011-02-16T14:40:00.001-06:00

I can B all deez ladiez?

Synchronized Kittehs

2011-02-13T15:30:00.002-06:00

Play this with the sound on if you can - the music adds like +199990 cuteness power to this video.

For Fans Only

2011-02-11T09:27:00.001-06:00

This made my heart explode. :)

I miss John Hughes! :(

Apologies for the absence, but (UPDATED!)

2011-02-05T17:56:00.003-06:00

I need relationship advice. Or a therapist. Or a gun.

UPDATE: Caroline to the rescue!

Caroline: "They do what they do and when they want to do it, if they can. That's it."

Oh Sure, Blame It On The Rappers

2011-01-23T22:40:00.003-06:00

Devon: ok i got the tix

me: schweet

Devon: chuch

me: ?

Devon: haha i dunno
i think rappers say it

By the way, if you guys are tired of reading snippets of conversations with Devon, too bad. He's the only one who ever chats with me anymore. :(/:)

That was not what I expected!

2011-01-20T16:57:00.002-06:00

John talked about how much he liked this song the other day and I bookmarked it until just now - this whole time I assumed it was a novelty song from the TV cartoon Rugrats. Okay then. John seems a little less sociopathic now.

Find more artists like Reptar at Myspace Music

DAMN YOU AZIZ

2011-01-20T10:50:00.001-06:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Man, I've been missing Aziz doing the media rounds...maybe now that Parks and Recreation is back on, he'll start showing up on talk shows again and telling hilarious stories. FUCK! I forgot he had a blog. Where the shit is that link?

http://azizisbored.tumblr.com/

A Masterpiece, Obviously

2011-01-17T00:02:00.002-06:00

This is the Jurassic Park theme, slowed down 1000%. Simply incredible. It becomes an emotional journey completely unlike the original rendering, and yet...clear kin of the tune we know so well.

Jurassic Park Theme (1000% Slower) by birdfeeder

Hell yes.

I don't know why I did this voice but...

2011-01-13T14:52:00.004-06:00

YO ROGEN
I KNOW YOU THINK YOU SEXY NOW
BUT YOU WEARIN LEDERHOSEN BRO
SO FUCKIN RELAX

MY MAN PAUL "HELL TO THE YEAH" RUDD KNOWS WHAT TO DO
NONE A THAT TILTED FEDORA SHIT
YOU GOT THIS
I GOT FAITH IN YOU

Zodiac-ac-ac-ac

2011-01-12T18:19:00.003-06:00

Apparently a bunch of astronomers with nothing better to do have "restored" the original Babylonian Zodiac - the one we're familiar with is no longer accurate due to mini-changes in the Earth's tilt and path through space over thousands of years or some shit (having taken two semesters in astronomy, I feel qualified to say...yes, there is better stuff to be doing, astronomers! Get on that!). So, here is the new Zodiac (again, according to a bunch of bored science majors in Minnesota, which...well...):

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16.
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11.
Pisces: March 11-April 18.
Aries: April 18-May 13.
Taurus: May 13-June 21.
Gemini: June 21-July 20.
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
Ophiuchus:* Nov. 29-Dec. 17.
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.

So I USED to be a Cancer, but now I'm a GEMINI? This actually throws off almost everything I know about myself, since I really did identify with most Cancer "characteristics"...if sarcastically yelling OH MY GOD I AM A TEMPLATE can count as identifying. Anyway, here's what it all means:

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

This is absolutely the funniest thing I've ever seen, easily, for so many reasons

2011-01-09T15:13:00.000-06:00

Sometimes you just need an easy LOL

2011-01-07T14:43:00.002-06:00

And this was it. Also, Hey, "Life is a Highway!" Welcome to my brain for the next 12 days! YES! This is happening!

Chinese Zodiac Makes Predictions

2011-01-04T17:23:00.002-06:00

I was born in 1986, which makes me a Tiger (someone told me [on New Year's Eve, in fact] that I'm a Fire Tiger in particular, which...whatever). Italics mine.

The Tiger

Magnetic, passionate and grand! When the Tiger does anything, it’s noticed! Indecisiveness and stubbornness can mar the sparkle of the Tiger personality. On the one hand generous, on the other hand a little mean, it’s sometimes hard to know where one stands with the Tiger. Flexible, honest and truly entertaining, one has a friend for life with a Tiger.

Forecast for 2011
Most Tigers will be feeling quite pleased and energized at the end of their own year in 2010. The Year of the Rabbit will be another positive year for them. Romantic matters are particularly to the forefront, with many born under this sign deciding to get married or to take the relationship to the next level (So true! I just made the decision to leave - gasp - a pair of sweats and a sleep tee at Devon's apartment! NEXT LEVEL: UNLOCKED). Single Tigers will have many chances to meet a partner with June to September particularly well aspected. If they have faced recent personal trials and tribulations, 2011 will prove to be a much brighter year. Financially, the Tiger will most likely see an increase in income, either due to a pay rise or an unexpected windfall (Let it be a windfall! [I don't want to get a job]). With careful planning and budgeting, they can enjoy this monetary increase whilst easing financial burdens. Hobbies and outdoor pursuits will also interest the Tiger this year and will provide relaxation and a social setting, both of which will suit him just fine (LOL...outdoor pursuits. PS I BUDGET FOR NO MAN). Travel and spending holidays with friends will be a focus during late spring and also August and September. If there is a dream location he’s always wanted to visit, this is the perfect year to do so! A house purchase or change of home could very well feature on the cards also. This will be an exciting rather than overly stressful development and Tigers should thrive in their new environment (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

Interesting Tiger Facts:
Zodiac Stone: Sapphire
Special Flower: Violet
Best Hours: 3-5 am
Season: Winter
Horoscope Colors: Green, Blue, Yellow

Hahaha, 3-5am ON THE REALZ.

Check out your own Chinese Astrology Predictions here!

2011! Very New, Very Year (so far).

2011-01-01T16:23:00.003-06:00

I know this is a trite topic at this point but I am completely serious when I say that my first concern is: what are we calling this? Two-thousand and eleven? Or Twenty-eleven? I cast my vote for the latter, because it lends itself to a whimsically childish pronunciation: "twenty-'leven". Aww.

Second concern: Have we all decided what we're going to do this year to avert or welcome the coming apocalypse? I mean, it's coming up. I'm falling squarely on the "welcome" side, but that's merely a function of my generally cynical outlook and not the obvious result of a miserable 2010. This year was hard in a lot of ways but the optimism I felt at the beginning of the academic year holds; I still feel like things are looking up.
I guess that kind of encapsulates why I so rarely have anything major to say on January 1st - I've always either been in school (and thus, already had a more significant New Beginning moment than one that occurs in the middle of the year by which I live my life), or working a job I hated (and generally pretty cranky about everything). Not to mention the fact that New Year's Eve is one of two nights out of the year that the amateurs come out and act like fucking amateurs...though there was merciful little of that going on at the party I went to, for which I am understatedly, but no less powerfully, grateful...though I did see a pair of rather poorly-disguised prostitutes! But I digress.

Anyway, in 2011 I plan to live a little more like this really is my last year ever: I want to take opportunities I would otherwise be afraid to. I want to experience something wild, something strange, something so completely other that my whole world is changed. When I ring in 2012, I want to look back and celebrate all I have accomplished. But first I want to take a fucking nap. Happy New Year!

SWAGG

2010-12-30T01:25:00.001-06:00

Oh man, I just saw this advertisement and laughed out loud.

Is there a way to pre-download apps? I'm thinking someone should invent a way that I can just automatically opt into apps that fulfill certain categories. But what would this fulfill? First off, I don't even know what it does, and second, it has a ridiculous name, and what is that girl's face supposed to convey? For real. I guess, if the pre-downloading option were to exist, I would select "please automatically download anything that seems hopelessly retarded (that doesn't have to do with sports)"?

Spanx

2010-12-26T11:28:00.002-06:00

I'm pretty sure the wildly polar emotions that men and women have about Spanx are rooted in whatever's at the base of what makes us different. Like the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus thing is threaded through this in some way. It's a little nebulous right now, but I just had this conversation and it touches on what I mean, I think.

Devon: NO SPANX (in response to this tweet)

Me: hahahahaha you have no idea what emotion i'm trying to convey there
and that's not your fault
it's like being killed by the person who is informing you that you've finally achieved an ideal version of yourself
you're like "oh my god, i did it? i can't believe i did it! i don't even care that i have to die now, in fact, i welcome it! and it was worth it!"
that's how i feel when i wear spanx

Devon: thats completely awful

Me: i was going to wrap that up by saying "it's not altogether unpleasant"
hahaha

I dunno. Ladies, am I alone on this one?

Oh my god I just continued the conversation...

Me: wait so why do you hate spanx so much? is it false advertising?

Devon: no its because it enables girls to hate their bodies

Me: well i didn't expect you to say THAT
hahaha

Devon: haha
surprise!

Wow, guys shutting me the fuck up forever with the pure superior quality of their souls does not happen very often at all. I will happily squash my well-documented love of the last word for this, though (and that sensation in itself is uncharted territory).

Continued Conversation

2010-12-25T22:56:00.001-06:00

Devon: "If we had to do a murder/suicide thing, which one of us would do the murder?"

Me: "I would, obviously; you wouldn't have the guts!"

Devon (musing aloud): "Yeah, and you would be fulfilling your lifelong dream of committing a murder."

Christmas Eve

2010-12-24T23:15:00.002-06:00

Devon: gawd
it just took me that long to wrap AH present

Me: hahahaha was it SHAPED IRREGULARLY?

Devon: no, it was a nearly perfect cube

Me: what's wrong with you then

Devon: wine

YES I was purchasing Jagged Little Pill, SO WHAT

2010-12-23T12:01:00.002-06:00

First off, nobody has the right to recommend Creed to anyone.
Second, I was purchasing Jagged Little Pill because I already have the CD (DUH! You don't?) but I can't find it, but I REALLY want to hear "You Oughta Know" and I don't mind paying Alanis again for it. It's been, like, many years.

This completely made my day.

2010-12-21T15:15:00.000-06:00

In Which Hyperbole falls TRAGICALLY SHORT (italics mine)

2010-12-20T16:07:00.007-06:00

The Groupon Guide to: William Shakespeare

Plenty of fancy antique words show up in William Shakespeare's plays. To help shine a light on this forgotten (FORGOTTEN!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!) scribe, here is a glossary of some of his most commonly used terms:

"What fools these mortals be!" = I pity the fools (Haha, you got to misquote Shakespeare AND Mr. T in one fell swoop. GOOD FOR YOU)
"Out, damn'd spot!" = Get out, Spot. Tracking mud all over Mr. Shakespeare's new couch! Bad dog! Look at him. He knows what he did. (Wrong.)
"Work is for people who don't know how to fish." = Work is for people who don't know how to fish. (Clever. WHY DID YOU CHOOSE THIS ONE IF IT DIDN'T NEED TO BE CLARIFIED)
"To be, or not to be: That is the question." = Have you seen Inception? (This has nothing to do with the plot of Inception. HAVE YOU SEEN INCEPTION!?)

(Please do me a favor and kill me now. I'm begging you. I would rather be dead and forgotten LIKE SHAKESPEARE EVIDENTLY IS than have to continue in a world where ANY of these words are considered "fancy" and "antique". Also, none of these would be considered "terms" nor are they Shakespeare's most commonly referenced. You are brain dead. WE ARE ALL BRAIN DEAD.)

2010-12-16T12:26:00.004-06:00

People notice that I'm on Twitter a lot. Like...a lot. A lot more than everyone else is on Twitter. Maybe my prolificness comes off as egotism, like I think my thoughts are so clever and I'm doing everyone a favor by publishing everything that comes to mind, but I assure you that this is not the case. I am this way in real life, too, this isn't even about Twitter. It's just that Twitter is such an obvious symptom of what I'm doing that I had to bring it up. Rather than being an exercise in tormenting a captive audience, this activity is driven by a deep-seated desire to communicate (to exchange ideas, learn, teach, be scared, or astonished, or awestruck by the diversity and multitude in the world, and to know that, in those multitudes, there is still something common between us, something that we all share). I want to reach into the void in hopes of finding someone to communicate with.
Sometimes it happens, but most of the time it feels like I'm shouting into the deepest canyon under the sea. Whatever contact occurs is tangential at best, like the wakes of two boats - the two sets of ripples reach out, collide, retract, disappear.

Even when I do my best - I try to use my words to describe a common situation, or something that seems so clear to me - it often seems like everyone else is looking back, blankly tolerant until I stop. I guess I do this to feel like I'm less alone in the world, but I am beginning to decide that a sense of community is bullshit. I don't go to sleep knowing that I am part of something bigger. I go to sleep just as alone as I've always been, one sad stupid candle, flickering until I go out, until one day I won't come back on in the morning and everything will go on just like it always has, and the thing that we share is that everyone else is alone too, everyone reaching out and attempting to feel the black nothingness, reaching out and discovering that what is without just mirrors what is within, nothingness, blackness, the void like a 3D IMAX show that your hand just passes through without changing anything.

Holy Crap.

2010-11-30T04:01:00.001-06:00

This is from the comments section of an Awl post about Harry Potter (the discussion started ranging from His Dark Materials and the Chronicles of Narnia to Star Wars and Lord of the Rings, predictably).

I mean, it's also possible to see Star Wars as the story of a group of malcontent guerrillas willing to murder thousands of government-contracted workers and disrupt an entire galactic economy simply for the opportunity to impose their own imperfect authority on a majority population of billions that was more or less OK with the status quo (and to reinstate the members of an elite religious order as a paramilitary arm of the state!).

OH MY GOD THE JEDI WERE EVIL

Do you like your old asshole?

2010-11-27T14:38:00.005-06:00

BECAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET A NEW ONE (courtesy of the online survey I'm taking about a professor I suffered through this semester):

The professor was frequently unprepared to answer student questions (she often gave the answer "that's not my specialty, so I don't know how to answer that" if the question was regarding anything other than [her specialty]), gave unclear answers to student questions about class/project requirements (she frequently made it clear that she was speculating if it wasn't stated outright in the text itself - in fact, she taught almost exclusively out of the text, and, when asked for clarification not present in the text, was often unable to give it), and used materials not available to all students to create exam questions. I came into this class very eager to learn more about abnormal psychology - by all reports (when I asked other students or teachers) this should have been a fun and engaging class, easy to study for, but it was not. I have found, upon thinking more about why they had much better experiences with this course than I did, that the one factor that was different was the professor. Basically: I should have just dropped the course and reenrolled for the Spring semester when I found out the usual (tenured) professor wasn't teaching, but I gave this (adjunct) professor a chance and it backfired.

In short: Fuck me? FUCK YOU.

All Het Up

2010-11-18T18:26:00.004-06:00

In response to this post at The Hairpin, wherein the male author pleads,

"The compulsion to look at cleavage is a constant struggle,** as the rewards offered by a stolen glimpse of upper-to-mid-boob are far outweighed by the risk of being viewed as a creep. But controlling the urge is a thankless job; in the history of gender relations, I doubt any woman has ever expressed gratitude for the restraint a dude showed in not copping an ocular feel. And that’s fine! We don’t expect to be thanked just for not being jerks. But how about maybe just quietly giving us a smidge of credit? We’re not monsters and we’re not homunculuses*** blindly flailing our sweaty, disgusting eyes toward any partially exposed breast that comes into view. Don’t we deserve the courtesy of not being under constant suspicion?"

I must reply, No, men do not deserve that courtesy, because it is not a courtesy. A courtesy, for the sake of defining terms and avoiding a devolution into semantic arguments, is "consideration, cooperation, and generosity in providing something". Thus, the courtesy for which the author asks is not a courtesy any more than you not eye-molesting me is a courtesy.

Unless the author thinks that his NOT eye-molesting people is a courtesy, at which point he has very helpfully identified himself as a misogynist who believes that women deserve whatever treatment they are handed by the powerful males in the world and the author's resisting the rights duly afforded to him by Having a Penis is a generous act. The simplest way I can think to put it is that this person seems to think that my not slapping everyone who bugs me across their fleshy, slobbering faces is something to be praised. I mean, that's very nice of him, but I fully recognize that my ability to manage life in a completely non-violent fashion is not an accomplishment. It's just WHAT'S EXPECTED OF ADULTS, and rightfully so.

Okay. I am hereby putting myself in Time Out, reason: Ranting at a Converted Audience, but let me just say - before I do - that this article having been thought out, written, and published by a man who is by all other measures someone I'd admire makes me feel nothing short of suddenly, very alone, to a degree that it may only be described as crestfallen.

SHUT UP, iTUNES, JUST SHUT UP

2010-11-15T19:29:00.000-06:00

*mimes sarcastic masturbation*

Girl, I been there.

2010-11-12T17:43:00.001-06:00

I don't know what else to say about this.

Don't get me started

2010-11-08T16:27:00.003-06:00

The title of this post is in reference to NaNoWriMo.

In other news, I got THIS spam letter today, from Jason Holley. The subject was: "lng mv9", and the body of the email, in its entirety, read "0qg"

So now it seems kind of pointless, but when I read it I collapsed with laughter. I guess I'm just ready for this week to be over already. Ugh.

New Phone, New Goals

2010-11-03T01:28:00.003-05:00

I got a new phone, you guys! And I like it.

That's right, I just like it so far. It's weird, I mimed masturbation pretty much every time the ad for the new phone came on so I was pretty sure I was going to be beyond psyched (it's the Blackberry Torch, by the way) but when I turned my trusty old 8820 off for the last time just now I actually felt really sad. Like, really sad. The 8820 and I have been through some big life events together...but it finally came time to change when the poor thing kept freezing and shutting down under the stress of having to run two applications at once. And I'm DONE replacing trackballs, thank god.

But still, I have to admit that some of these mixed emotions stem from the fact that there's a little part of me that is scared of the Torch - today the salesman was advising me to switch to Wi-Fi when I wanted to use "YouTube, Pandora, any kind of streaming video or music download really" and I was like...you can do that on phones now? I was just happy to have a camera finally. Speaking of which, Imma TwitPic the SHIT out of all you people later. After I figure out how to take pictures.

In other news, it's the second day and already the prospect of NaNoWriMo lasting a full month is stressing me out. I mean, 1667 words a day (if you want to be technical about it) is a lot by anyone's standards, and this is all in addition to the papers I have to write for school still...don't get me wrong, I really want to do this, for many reasons. I think I will just have to satisfy myself with at least writing SOMETHING every day and doing my best to catch up on weekends: even if I don't end up with my full 50,000 words, I'll still have accomplished something major (the beginning of a NOVEL, a real PROJECT, to some degree of completion) without losing quality of life completely.

And tomorrow is Wednesday, taking us one day closer to the weekend and the sweet release of sleeping for 20 hours in a row (the mere action of thinking about NaNoWriMo just did that - it took me from jazzed about accomplishing goals to anticipating my brain's shut-off limit in about 12 minutes). Hey! Look! It's nighttime...I'm gonna go do that now.

Spam Dot Com

2010-10-29T13:57:00.003-05:00

Hello
My medication does not cover the amount of pain I am in. They don't help me! What should I do?
That pain in my muscles in my back, & the bottom of my spine, naturally drives me crazy. It�s awful!

s

I'm sure it is awful, s. But if you find someone who will indulge your transparent drug-seeking behavior by prescribing pain medication...let me know.

Encouragement

2010-10-27T15:26:00.002-05:00

Devon: well, if it makes you feel better...
i counted your tweets this morning and you had tweeted 41 times in the last 24 hours
lets say an average of 100 characters a tweet
4100 characters
maybe average out 6 letters per word
you tweeted nearly 700 words yesterday
without even trying!

me: HAHAHAHAHA
that's heartening and sad at the same time

Devon: WHY SO SAD

me: BECAUSE I CAN'T WRITE A NOVEL ABOUT ZOOBOOKS
(or my obsession about zoobooks)

Devon: sure, but you can work in zoobooks
btw, i had a SHITLOAD of zoobooks

me: ME TOO
apparently loving Zoobooks was not that strange
noel had them too

Devon: i think a lot of people like us and our age had them

me: i think a foundation of zoobooks turned us into this
hahha

Devon: hahaha i can believe that
zoobooks x carebears / froot loops = us

me: hahahahahahaha
basic interest in science x socialist liberalism / toxic chemicals = us
absolutely

Devon: hahahahahahahahaha
holy shit

me: i am 100% on board with that assessment

Devon: that is such an accurate representation of our generation

me: hahahaha i think so too
you had it more since you were a Montessori baby
i went to WASPy preschools

Devon: the fact that we turned out similar just strenghtens your equation, though

me: hahaha yeah that's true
a zoobook is a zoobook, no matter where you read it

WHIP YOUR HAIR GURL

2010-10-27T00:41:00.001-05:00

That just about says it!

NaNoWriMo 2010

2010-10-26T17:02:00.006-05:00

I decided today - on a whim! - that I'm going to participate in NaNoWriMo. That's short for National Novel Writing Month. National - that's self-explanitory. Novel - 50,000 words. Writing - that's me, hopefully. Month - November. I've been tempted to try NaNoWriMo since I heard about it a few years ago, but it never seemed like the "right time" - I always had other stuff going on that seemed more important. But I'm so, so tired of saying that one day I will write. I'm 24 years old and I don't think there will be a time in the future when I'll have fewer responsibilities than I do at this point. So: the time is now. Now is the time. In November, I'm going to write 50,000 motherfucking WORDS. All in a row. Hopefully in a way that makes sense.

And that is where my expectations for this project end. Some people put a lot of work into this BEFORE November even starts: they create outlines, plots, character sketches...but not me. Right now I'm just looking at it as an "experiment in output" as the website put it - I just want something that will force me to sit down and put fingers to keypad in pursuit of something other than a letter grade. I don't have a really clear idea of what my plot is going to be. They say "write what you know", right? I DO have a title, though! "A Year With One Foot in the Grave."

As for your expectations, I do not intend to edit this thing very much as we proceed. Editing is for people who have time. Editing is for people who have enough words, and we're not there yet. My goal is to produce enough words: in my mind, the work I produce during NaNoWriMo 2010 will be the block of marble from which my own personal David will be hewn. Which is all a long way of saying, don't expect much, and for GOD'S SAKE do not expect art. Yet.

You can check out the basics by clicking here. I, for my part, will be rocking back and forth under my desk.

This is turning into a SpamBlog, isn't it?

2010-10-24T16:26:00.002-05:00

Dear Friend,

My name is Mrs. Rosemary C King I am a dying woman who has decided to donate what I have to charity through you.

You may be wondering why I chose you. But someone has to be chosen. I am 59 years old and was diagnosed for cancer about 2 years ago, after the death of my husband who had left me everything he worked for. I have been touched by the Lord to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to charity through you for the good work of humanity, rather than allow my relatives and family members to use my husband hard earned funds inappropriately.

I have asked the Lord to forgive me all my sins and I believe he has, because He is merciful. I will be going in for an operation, and I pray that I survive the operation. I have decided to WILL/Donate the sum of Five Million Five to charity through you for the good work of the Lord, and to help the motherless, less privileged and also for the assistance of the widows. At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls, due to the fact that my relatives are around me and I have been restricted by my doctor from taking telephone calls because I deserve all the rest I can get.

Presently, I have informed my consultant about my decision in WILLING this fund to charity through you. I wish you all the best and may the good Lord bless you abundantly, and please use the funds well and always extend the good work to others. If you are interested in carrying out this task, I will inform my consultant, so that he can arrange the release of the funds to you. I know I have never met you but my mind tells me to do this, and I hope you act sincerely. I decided that 35% of this money should be taken by you from the total sum upon the success release of this fund, because I am now too weak and fragile to do things myself because of my cancer.

NB:I sincerely know that a lot has been written about some SCAM coming out of the world, but I assure you that this will never in any way associated with that as you will be given the right to verify this directly with the finance company where the fund was deposited.

I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the task is accomplished, as I don not want anything that will jeopardize my last wish, due to the fact that I do not want relatives or family members standing in the way of my last wish.

Yours sincerely,
Rosemary C. King

PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR FULL NAME, ADDRESS, TELEPHONE/FAX NUMBER ON YOUR REPLY FOR EASY AND IMMEDIATE COMMUNICATION WITH MY CONSULTANT.

I personally love the references to "relatives or family members", which is a set of two mutually exclusive groups, obviously.

Also appreciated: the use of an "NB"! Heretofore an alien to the world of SCAM emails!

More Spam

2010-10-21T17:18:00.004-05:00

How do you do?Im Lussine! I want to find a man to create a good family!
If you want to know me more information, you can write me a letter: [redacted]
I'll send you my photos! I think that we get the pleasure of communicating with each other.
With love Lussine!

Me too, girl. Me too. Actually no, not really. Thanks for your interest though.

10 Things Women Think When They See You Naked For The First Time (In No Particular Order) (This is by no means a complete list)

2010-10-19T00:24:00.004-05:00

1. Well then.

2. Hey!

3. No way.

4. That's nice.

5. That's different.

6. How does this rank?...

7. ...Fuck it.

8. I hope this guy doesn't a drug habit. What was that sound? Does he have a secret roommate? I hope his secret roommate doesn't do drugs. Can they hear me? CAN THEY SEE ME shut up, self.

9. Huh?

10. Huh!

Things I'm Thinking About Now, or: I Probably Need to Take My Meds

2010-10-16T13:01:00.004-05:00

What does it say about me that I can't even live up to my own expectations of fidelity?

Why am I under the impression that I can't have a real conversation with anyone, instead thinking that only writing can take the pain of dishonesty away...all while NEVER WRITING A GODDAMN WORD ANYWHERE and living with pulsating self-hatred on top of everything else?

What is up with exes, and why won't they just go away so I don't have to think about them anymore?

Why am I obsessed with the "anxiety of influence" lately, and what does it mean for the female American celebrity?

What does it mean for my future that I still know all the lyrics to the original Spider-Man theme song?

How does anyone manage to have working romantic relationships that are based completely on mutual trust and respect?

How does anyone manage to trust anyone?

Why am I so obsessed with milkshakes lately? Is it because I'm on "milkshake probation" and I just want what I can't have? Am I really that transparent?

Does anyone actually have a good relationship with their parents, or is my relationship with my parents just so fucked that I can't imagine anyone functioning properly?

Why can't I write a REAL GODDAMN POST FOR ONCE?

Am I completely psychotic for wanting to participate in NaNoWriMo this year?