"We asked them not to do it and they did it anyway."
—BBC presenter Shelagh Fogarty, apologizing to listeners after Rage Against the Machine singer Zach de la Rocha "unleashed a barrage of F-words on Radio Five Live's breakfast show." The band was performing its 1992 hit "Killing In The Name," the lyrics to the final verse of which are "F-word you, I won’t do what you tell me/ F-word you, I won’t do what you tell me/ F-word you, I won’t do what you tell me/ F-word you, I won’t do what you tell me/F-word you, I won’t do what you tell me/ F-word you, I won’t do what you tell me/F-word you, I won’t do what you tell me/ F-word you, I won’t do what you tell me/F-WORD YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME/ F-WORD YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME/F-WORD YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME/ F-WORD YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME/F-WORD YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME/ F-WORD YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME/F-WORD YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME/ F-WORD YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME/MOTHERF-WORDER/UGH!" So badass.
Hahahaha. Fantastic.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
How to Never be Invited to Your Own Mother's Parties Again
She: "So what are your plans? You know, after school?"
K: "Well, I'm going to be in school for a while, if everything goes according to plan, so I have some time to think about the actual projected trajectory of my, like, career."
She: "No, I mean...are you going to get married soon? Are you seeing anyone?"
K: "I think I'm going to concentrate on my career for now."
She: "But...don't you want kids?"
K: "Right now? Not really. Maybe never."
She: "Never? Isn't that kind of...selfish?"
K: "Selfish...not really. I actually think it's the ones who procreate that are the selfish ones, you know, if you really consider WHY they have kids."
She: "..."
K: "Well, think about it. People want children because...they aren't concerned with or moved by the plight of a million starving orphans that are already born, they don't believe or don't care about the dwindling resources of the world in general, they want someone to love them unconditionally, they don't want to be forgotten when they die, they want someone to take care of them in their old age, they think babies are cute, they want a little version of themselves - because they think the world would really benefit if there was another person that looked exactly like them running around...So not only is it selfish, but it's kind of conceited too."
She: "...!"
K: "And on top of that, you want me to go on this little venture with a man? Seems like kind of a risky proposition to me. And everyone's all up in arms about the birth rate of today's youth - babies having babies and all that - but the real menace is the 'grown-ups' a lot of the time, don't you think? And all this noise about having kids, which is ostensibly about, like, creating something real out of the love you and your husband have for each other. I mean...love. I'm not convinced that love even exists, or at least not on the terms we've set for it as, um, a societal benchmark or catchphrase or whatever."
Mom: "Don't you have somewhere to be right now."
K: "As a matter of fact, I do. It was really a pleasure to meet you, ______. You have a beautiful family."
K: "Well, I'm going to be in school for a while, if everything goes according to plan, so I have some time to think about the actual projected trajectory of my, like, career."
She: "No, I mean...are you going to get married soon? Are you seeing anyone?"
K: "I think I'm going to concentrate on my career for now."
She: "But...don't you want kids?"
K: "Right now? Not really. Maybe never."
She: "Never? Isn't that kind of...selfish?"
K: "Selfish...not really. I actually think it's the ones who procreate that are the selfish ones, you know, if you really consider WHY they have kids."
She: "..."
K: "Well, think about it. People want children because...they aren't concerned with or moved by the plight of a million starving orphans that are already born, they don't believe or don't care about the dwindling resources of the world in general, they want someone to love them unconditionally, they don't want to be forgotten when they die, they want someone to take care of them in their old age, they think babies are cute, they want a little version of themselves - because they think the world would really benefit if there was another person that looked exactly like them running around...So not only is it selfish, but it's kind of conceited too."
She: "...!"
K: "And on top of that, you want me to go on this little venture with a man? Seems like kind of a risky proposition to me. And everyone's all up in arms about the birth rate of today's youth - babies having babies and all that - but the real menace is the 'grown-ups' a lot of the time, don't you think? And all this noise about having kids, which is ostensibly about, like, creating something real out of the love you and your husband have for each other. I mean...love. I'm not convinced that love even exists, or at least not on the terms we've set for it as, um, a societal benchmark or catchphrase or whatever."
Mom: "Don't you have somewhere to be right now."
K: "As a matter of fact, I do. It was really a pleasure to meet you, ______. You have a beautiful family."
Why Does Every Conversation End Like This? (UPDATED!)
Priya
kitchen doesn't need an apostrophe
but "yo" does
Brother
accident
Priya
you're an accident
whoops i wasn't supposed to tell you that
mom and dad didn't plan on having another baby
i was supposed to be an only child
Oh, of course, every conversation with Li'l Bro goes this way because I do feel, in a small corner of my soul, that I was meant to have all the attention, devotion, care of my parents and my brother - by mere fact of his existence - is daily robbing me of my birthright?
And because To Be Born First is another way of saying To Bully. Love it. I SAID LOVE IT STOP CRYING okay okay Jesus Christ I'm sorry. All better? *smack* Sorry sorry sorry! Not really.
But then the conversation continues...
Priya
hahaha
it took me a while to figure out what that last one was
i get it now
Brother
Jesus I'm loathe to think of your initial interpretation
Priya
i thought it was another typo
Brother
You're a typo.
whoops i wasn't supposed to tell you that
mom and dad didn't plan you
Priya
hahahahahaha
Brother
Now you're eating your own words. How do they taste? How do they taste, Priya?
Priya
LIKE SHAAAAAAME
And I begin to wonder if maybe it's a good thing there's someone else there to absorb some of the heat of being constantly judged by your parents. I decide that yes, it's probably a good thing there's someone to distract them. But only when it's convenient for me.
Priya
It tastes like the shame mom and dad must have felt when they found out you were going to be a boy
kitchen doesn't need an apostrophe
but "yo" does
Brother
accident
Priya
you're an accident
whoops i wasn't supposed to tell you that
mom and dad didn't plan on having another baby
i was supposed to be an only child
Oh, of course, every conversation with Li'l Bro goes this way because I do feel, in a small corner of my soul, that I was meant to have all the attention, devotion, care of my parents and my brother - by mere fact of his existence - is daily robbing me of my birthright?
And because To Be Born First is another way of saying To Bully. Love it. I SAID LOVE IT STOP CRYING okay okay Jesus Christ I'm sorry. All better? *smack* Sorry sorry sorry! Not really.
But then the conversation continues...
Priya
hahaha
it took me a while to figure out what that last one was
i get it now
Brother
Jesus I'm loathe to think of your initial interpretation
Priya
i thought it was another typo
Brother
You're a typo.
whoops i wasn't supposed to tell you that
mom and dad didn't plan you
Priya
hahahahahaha
Brother
Now you're eating your own words. How do they taste? How do they taste, Priya?
Priya
LIKE SHAAAAAAME
And I begin to wonder if maybe it's a good thing there's someone else there to absorb some of the heat of being constantly judged by your parents. I decide that yes, it's probably a good thing there's someone to distract them. But only when it's convenient for me.
Priya
It tastes like the shame mom and dad must have felt when they found out you were going to be a boy
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
So I'm Trying to Study for Finals, Right (UPDATED)
You guys, I'm taking a break from my hefty schedule of READING JOHN MILTON TILL MY EYES BLEED. But I can't really think of anything else. So.
Finals. Guys. Usually I don't get too bent out of shape about them - I'm VERY good at sublimating any negative emotions - but this semester for some reason I'm really psyching myself out. Last Spring, as all of you remember, I was out drinking heavily before my Accounting final (though I must have done pretty well since I ended up not failing the course - all my other grades in the class up to that point were pretty dismal). I think part of my stress is coming from the fact that I have three (3) finals on the 15th, all at stupid times. I have Finance at 8:30AM, then Modern British Novel at noon, and then American Literature at 6PM. I think a large degree of pre-exam anxiety is stemming from none of the exams starting at the same time as the classes themselves do. Like the Finance lecture usually starts at 9:35. So what goddamn business does the final have starting a full hour earlier than that?! God.
So the first thing I did today was stretch really big and pull a neck muscle, to the extent that 8 hours later I can still feel a little knot of pain there. Who the fuck does that? Old people do that. Of which I am one, of course. Then my mom had someone over doing some kind of carpentry work in the hallway (though the guy might as well have been in the selfsame room with me with all the damn noise he was making. HAMMER QUIETLY PLEASE). Talk about disruptive. What is the deal with that.
AND YET MORE DISRUPTION: I was cranky from listening to the guy hammer nails into my skull all morning so when I went downstairs to stretch my legs a little of course my mom jumps on my back about what I'm going to have for lunch. Because I'm 9 and can't be trusted to work the stove if I want to make a grilled cheese sandwich. If I want a grilled cheese sandwich I should remember to consult an adult. Like my mom. LIVING AT HOME, RIGHT GUYS?! Anyway I was getting more and more agitated because I kept denying that I was hungry (as I can readily identify hunger pangs or lack thereof) and she kept insisting that I was, in fact, hungry, and finally I just walked upstairs silently as I started having visions of killing us both with a pepper mill (Good Heavens). So that's my mindspace as of about ten minutes ago. I would categorize it as "improbably sinister".
Suffice it to say that I am absolutely gagging for Winter Break to arrive so I can sit around watching daytime television and eating bonbons, or whatever it is that people with the will to live do these days.
UPDATE!
So just as I finished typing that last sentence, I tried logging into Twitter with the username "twitter" and I was on the verge of exploding, when my mom walked in and I was like "WHAT NOW" and she was like, "I found these pink post-its, do you want them" and I was like "YES I DO, I LOVE YOU MOMMY" and it became clear to me that this whole thing is a result of a pretty nasty case of PMS. So, disregard all of the above except for whatever parts amuse you most. Yayyyy(?)
Finals. Guys. Usually I don't get too bent out of shape about them - I'm VERY good at sublimating any negative emotions - but this semester for some reason I'm really psyching myself out. Last Spring, as all of you remember, I was out drinking heavily before my Accounting final (though I must have done pretty well since I ended up not failing the course - all my other grades in the class up to that point were pretty dismal). I think part of my stress is coming from the fact that I have three (3) finals on the 15th, all at stupid times. I have Finance at 8:30AM, then Modern British Novel at noon, and then American Literature at 6PM. I think a large degree of pre-exam anxiety is stemming from none of the exams starting at the same time as the classes themselves do. Like the Finance lecture usually starts at 9:35. So what goddamn business does the final have starting a full hour earlier than that?! God.
So the first thing I did today was stretch really big and pull a neck muscle, to the extent that 8 hours later I can still feel a little knot of pain there. Who the fuck does that? Old people do that. Of which I am one, of course. Then my mom had someone over doing some kind of carpentry work in the hallway (though the guy might as well have been in the selfsame room with me with all the damn noise he was making. HAMMER QUIETLY PLEASE). Talk about disruptive. What is the deal with that.
AND YET MORE DISRUPTION: I was cranky from listening to the guy hammer nails into my skull all morning so when I went downstairs to stretch my legs a little of course my mom jumps on my back about what I'm going to have for lunch. Because I'm 9 and can't be trusted to work the stove if I want to make a grilled cheese sandwich. If I want a grilled cheese sandwich I should remember to consult an adult. Like my mom. LIVING AT HOME, RIGHT GUYS?! Anyway I was getting more and more agitated because I kept denying that I was hungry (as I can readily identify hunger pangs or lack thereof) and she kept insisting that I was, in fact, hungry, and finally I just walked upstairs silently as I started having visions of killing us both with a pepper mill (Good Heavens). So that's my mindspace as of about ten minutes ago. I would categorize it as "improbably sinister".
Suffice it to say that I am absolutely gagging for Winter Break to arrive so I can sit around watching daytime television and eating bonbons, or whatever it is that people with the will to live do these days.
UPDATE!
So just as I finished typing that last sentence, I tried logging into Twitter with the username "twitter" and I was on the verge of exploding, when my mom walked in and I was like "WHAT NOW" and she was like, "I found these pink post-its, do you want them" and I was like "YES I DO, I LOVE YOU MOMMY" and it became clear to me that this whole thing is a result of a pretty nasty case of PMS. So, disregard all of the above except for whatever parts amuse you most. Yayyyy(?)
Sunday, December 6, 2009
The 50 Best Inventions of the Year (according to Time) (interpreted by my Id)
1. A Flexible Path Through Space. Flybys and orbits of multiple destinations could replace landings on the moon or Mars. Wait, flybys, what? Moon? I hate this already. Chocolate.
2. The Tank-Bred Tuna. SUUUUUSHIIIIII
3. The $10 Million Lightbulb. The LED bulb emits the same amount of light as its incandescent equivalent but uses less than 10 watts and lasts for 25,000 hours - or 25 times as long. What is the practical application of this - what's that over there?
4. The Smart Thermostat. A little device, with a screen, that can talk wirelessly to your various appliances and let you know how much electricity (or gas) each one is using and how much it's costing you. If this thing isn't for keeping your house above 78 degrees at all times I'm not fucking interested. Next.
5. Controller-Free Gaming. YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE NINTENDO wait not that kind of control? Well what the fuck then?
6. Teleportation. Scientists successfully teleported data from one atom to another in a container a meter away. SPACE OUTER SPACE not outer space? Next.
7. The Telescope for Invisible Stars. Herschel scans the skies in the infrared spectrum to reveal stars which were previously invisible due to extremely low temperatures in space. Shiny pictures.
8. The AIDS Vaccine. The vaccine is not approved for use yet, but it's the first to make any headway against HIV, and that's a start. CURE IT OR GTFO BITCHEZZZ
9. Tweeting by Thinking. Justin Williams focused his attention on one flashing letter after another on a computer screen while wearing a cap outfitted with electrodes that monitored changes in his brain activity to figure out which character he wanted. A NEW WAY TO EXPEND LESS PHYSICAL ENERGY WHILE CREATING MORE MEANINGLESS OUTPUT SIGN ME THE FUCK UP
10. The Electric Eye. The chip, which is encased in titanium to prevent water damage, will be implanted onto a patient's eyeball. The patient will then wear a pair of eyeglasses equipped with a tiny camera that transmits images directly to the chip, which in turn sends them to the brain. Gross.
11. The Mercury Probe. You should send a PROBE TO URANUS INSTEAD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BUTTS.
12. The Personal Carbon Footprint. Rich nations (like the US) need to make the first cuts, but they won't until developing nations (like China) do - and vice versa. Researcher suggest working on the individual level instead. But, but, I NEED to hear the tap rushing all night while I'm asleep. It's like the ocean.
13. The Solar Shingle. Sounds like a space disease.
14. The Handheld Ultrasound. It looks like a Nintendo DS. Does it come in pink?
15. The YikeBike. A folding electric bike which weighs roughly 20 lbs and runs on a lithium phosphate battery that can be charged to 80% capacity in 20 minutes. Why YIKE bike? Because it rhymes? I'm hungry. Or tired. Aaaaand now I'm bored.
16. Vertical Farming. If I can't do this on Facebook I don't want to know.
17. The Planetary Skin. Gross.
18. The $20 Knee. The JaipurKnee comprises five pieces of plastic and four nuts and bolts. it requires no special tools and takes just a few hours to manufacture. I hope it comes with a pair of pants, lolololol.
19. A watchdog for Financial Products. The goal: to make sure that financial products aren't rigged in favor of the firms selling them and that ordinary people have a shot at wading through complicated contracts and fee structures to really understand what they're getting themselves into. Moneys. I wants some. DADDYYY!!!!
20. The Electric Microbe. Gross.
21. The Bladeless Fan. Magic. Science. Chocolate.
22. The Custom Puppy. In 2007, BioArts delivered puppies to five customers who paid an average of $144,000 for copies of their canines. They paid HOW MUCH
23. The Cyborg Beetle. Gross.
24. The Biotech Stradivarius. Pretty sounds. Pretty.
25. The Nissan Leaf. The first fully electric vehicle built for mass production for the global market. THE LEAF IS THE CUTEST NAME FOR A CAR EVER I NEED ONE NOW
26. The Robo-Penguin. Aaaaawwwwwww...Penguin.
27. The Universal Unicycle. But I already HAVE an office chair.
28. YouTube Funk. I want to DAAAANCE
29. Dandelion Rubber. That's what she said!
30. Wooden Bones. Because of the sponginess of the wood, live bones are expected to grow into the structure faster than with traditional titanium or ceramic implants, decreasing the time it takes to mend a broken bone. That is also what she said.
31. The Living Wall. Tell your mom I said hi.
32. The School of One. It's learning for the Xbox generation. LEarning? NOOOOOOOOO
33. The No-Punt Offense. Ya lost me.
34. The Human-Powered Vending Machine. Gross.
35. The Handyman's X-Ray Vision. GROSS.
36. Meat Farms. GROSS.
37. Packing, Improved. The researcher and his team developed an algorithm that broke the record for fitting a given number of different size discs into the smallest circle. The algorithm improves on its competitors in that it's better at detecting false starts and backtracking when it hits on an inelegant configuration. The picture of this thing is so goddamn boring I just entered a coma.
38. The Foldable Speaker. I'm tired. I need a nap.
39. The Levitating Mouse. According to the scientists who conducted the experiment, the weightless mice were initially confused and flung themselves into rapid spins. The scientists sedated the rodents, which helped, but said eventually even fully conscious mice were able to acclimate to the weightless conditions enough to eat and drink normally. AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW
40. The Edible Race Car. 10 more to go and then I can have something to eat.
41. The High-Speed Helicopter. 9 more.
42. The Supersuit. The suit makes that man look like a Ken doll.
43. The Eyeborg. Rob Spence is attempting to replace his prosthetic eye with a battery-powered, wireless video camera, thereby making himself into an "Eyeborg," with the power to record exactly what he's looking at as digital video. Gross.
44. Spiderweb Silk. Gross.
45. The Sky King. It set the world record for the longest flight by a paper airplane. 5 more.
46. The Smart Bullet. Boring.
47. The Fashion Robot. It looks like a child. Yikes.
48. The 3-D Camera. I thought we already had these. #49 better be the fucking flying car.
49. The Newest Cloud. GOD DAMMIT
50. The World's Fastest (Steam-Powered) Car. Aw, it's a train.
...And the five worst inventions:
1. The Smile Police: Employees in Japan have their smiles scanned by software to maximize cheeriness. What would happen if it scanned A FROWN?
2. The Jane Austen Monster Mashup Novel. For people with no sense of humor.
3. Snuggies for Dogs. For people who think their dogs love life too much.
4. The Gas-Mask Bra. Actually not such a bad idea. I lived with a guy once you know.
5. Computer Critics. A new standardized test in the UK will use software, not humans, to grade student essays. Hey...being replaced by machines hurts!
2. The Tank-Bred Tuna. SUUUUUSHIIIIII
3. The $10 Million Lightbulb. The LED bulb emits the same amount of light as its incandescent equivalent but uses less than 10 watts and lasts for 25,000 hours - or 25 times as long. What is the practical application of this - what's that over there?
4. The Smart Thermostat. A little device, with a screen, that can talk wirelessly to your various appliances and let you know how much electricity (or gas) each one is using and how much it's costing you. If this thing isn't for keeping your house above 78 degrees at all times I'm not fucking interested. Next.
5. Controller-Free Gaming. YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE NINTENDO wait not that kind of control? Well what the fuck then?
6. Teleportation. Scientists successfully teleported data from one atom to another in a container a meter away. SPACE OUTER SPACE not outer space? Next.
7. The Telescope for Invisible Stars. Herschel scans the skies in the infrared spectrum to reveal stars which were previously invisible due to extremely low temperatures in space. Shiny pictures.
8. The AIDS Vaccine. The vaccine is not approved for use yet, but it's the first to make any headway against HIV, and that's a start. CURE IT OR GTFO BITCHEZZZ
9. Tweeting by Thinking. Justin Williams focused his attention on one flashing letter after another on a computer screen while wearing a cap outfitted with electrodes that monitored changes in his brain activity to figure out which character he wanted. A NEW WAY TO EXPEND LESS PHYSICAL ENERGY WHILE CREATING MORE MEANINGLESS OUTPUT SIGN ME THE FUCK UP
10. The Electric Eye. The chip, which is encased in titanium to prevent water damage, will be implanted onto a patient's eyeball. The patient will then wear a pair of eyeglasses equipped with a tiny camera that transmits images directly to the chip, which in turn sends them to the brain. Gross.
11. The Mercury Probe. You should send a PROBE TO URANUS INSTEAD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BUTTS.
12. The Personal Carbon Footprint. Rich nations (like the US) need to make the first cuts, but they won't until developing nations (like China) do - and vice versa. Researcher suggest working on the individual level instead. But, but, I NEED to hear the tap rushing all night while I'm asleep. It's like the ocean.
13. The Solar Shingle. Sounds like a space disease.
14. The Handheld Ultrasound. It looks like a Nintendo DS. Does it come in pink?
15. The YikeBike. A folding electric bike which weighs roughly 20 lbs and runs on a lithium phosphate battery that can be charged to 80% capacity in 20 minutes. Why YIKE bike? Because it rhymes? I'm hungry. Or tired. Aaaaand now I'm bored.
16. Vertical Farming. If I can't do this on Facebook I don't want to know.
17. The Planetary Skin. Gross.
18. The $20 Knee. The JaipurKnee comprises five pieces of plastic and four nuts and bolts. it requires no special tools and takes just a few hours to manufacture. I hope it comes with a pair of pants, lolololol.
19. A watchdog for Financial Products. The goal: to make sure that financial products aren't rigged in favor of the firms selling them and that ordinary people have a shot at wading through complicated contracts and fee structures to really understand what they're getting themselves into. Moneys. I wants some. DADDYYY!!!!
20. The Electric Microbe. Gross.
21. The Bladeless Fan. Magic. Science. Chocolate.
22. The Custom Puppy. In 2007, BioArts delivered puppies to five customers who paid an average of $144,000 for copies of their canines. They paid HOW MUCH
23. The Cyborg Beetle. Gross.
24. The Biotech Stradivarius. Pretty sounds. Pretty.
25. The Nissan Leaf. The first fully electric vehicle built for mass production for the global market. THE LEAF IS THE CUTEST NAME FOR A CAR EVER I NEED ONE NOW
26. The Robo-Penguin. Aaaaawwwwwww...Penguin.
27. The Universal Unicycle. But I already HAVE an office chair.
28. YouTube Funk. I want to DAAAANCE
29. Dandelion Rubber. That's what she said!
30. Wooden Bones. Because of the sponginess of the wood, live bones are expected to grow into the structure faster than with traditional titanium or ceramic implants, decreasing the time it takes to mend a broken bone. That is also what she said.
31. The Living Wall. Tell your mom I said hi.
32. The School of One. It's learning for the Xbox generation. LEarning? NOOOOOOOOO
33. The No-Punt Offense. Ya lost me.
34. The Human-Powered Vending Machine. Gross.
35. The Handyman's X-Ray Vision. GROSS.
36. Meat Farms. GROSS.
37. Packing, Improved. The researcher and his team developed an algorithm that broke the record for fitting a given number of different size discs into the smallest circle. The algorithm improves on its competitors in that it's better at detecting false starts and backtracking when it hits on an inelegant configuration. The picture of this thing is so goddamn boring I just entered a coma.
38. The Foldable Speaker. I'm tired. I need a nap.
39. The Levitating Mouse. According to the scientists who conducted the experiment, the weightless mice were initially confused and flung themselves into rapid spins. The scientists sedated the rodents, which helped, but said eventually even fully conscious mice were able to acclimate to the weightless conditions enough to eat and drink normally. AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW
40. The Edible Race Car. 10 more to go and then I can have something to eat.
41. The High-Speed Helicopter. 9 more.
42. The Supersuit. The suit makes that man look like a Ken doll.
43. The Eyeborg. Rob Spence is attempting to replace his prosthetic eye with a battery-powered, wireless video camera, thereby making himself into an "Eyeborg," with the power to record exactly what he's looking at as digital video. Gross.
44. Spiderweb Silk. Gross.
45. The Sky King. It set the world record for the longest flight by a paper airplane. 5 more.
46. The Smart Bullet. Boring.
47. The Fashion Robot. It looks like a child. Yikes.
48. The 3-D Camera. I thought we already had these. #49 better be the fucking flying car.
49. The Newest Cloud. GOD DAMMIT
50. The World's Fastest (Steam-Powered) Car. Aw, it's a train.
...And the five worst inventions:
1. The Smile Police: Employees in Japan have their smiles scanned by software to maximize cheeriness. What would happen if it scanned A FROWN?
2. The Jane Austen Monster Mashup Novel. For people with no sense of humor.
3. Snuggies for Dogs. For people who think their dogs love life too much.
4. The Gas-Mask Bra. Actually not such a bad idea. I lived with a guy once you know.
5. Computer Critics. A new standardized test in the UK will use software, not humans, to grade student essays. Hey...being replaced by machines hurts!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Morrissey...esque
Every day I wake a newborn
But as the morning breaks I see
I too am broken, old, and used
Today is just like every day
All my friends are in their tombs now
All my friends are gone for good
I'm the last one left, and I am not good...
Who could love me anymore?
They found me worthy, now they're dead
I may have killed them all myself
Somehow I find I may not mind
All my friends are in their tombs now
All my friends are gone for good
I'm the last one left, and I am not good...
All I've left are my tomes now.
But as the morning breaks I see
I too am broken, old, and used
Today is just like every day
All my friends are in their tombs now
All my friends are gone for good
I'm the last one left, and I am not good...
Who could love me anymore?
They found me worthy, now they're dead
I may have killed them all myself
Somehow I find I may not mind
All my friends are in their tombs now
All my friends are gone for good
I'm the last one left, and I am not good...
All I've left are my tomes now.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Soft Focus
me: please stop
john: hahahaha
but
i'm sure it's been done
like 99% sure
that some body mod idiot thinks that's tops
me: oh god
yuck
well that's rule 36 or whatever, right
like if you can come up with a concept, there's porn of it somewhere on the internet
john: right but i meant in a non-sexual way
some body mod idiot with horns
tore off his fingernails
me: oh gross yeah
john: because he thought it said "fuck you" to his daddy
when really it says "hey everybody i'm the fucking moron who tore off my fingernails. hi."
me: oh god, that guy WOULD have daddy issues
john: gosh this conversation really disintegrated
me: hahahaha yeah really
john: we went off the rails there
we were kind of in a mine cart
and you were screaming "dr. jones! dr. jones!"
and i was like "shut up kid"
me: hahahahahahahaha
john: *mine cart goes faster*
that was us
That is EXACTLY what it was like.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
