Morrissey...esque

Every day I wake a newborn
But as the morning breaks I see
I too am broken, old, and used
Today is just like every day

All my friends are in their tombs now
All my friends are gone for good
I'm the last one left, and I am not good...

Who could love me anymore?
They found me worthy, now they're dead
I may have killed them all myself
Somehow I find I may not mind

All my friends are in their tombs now
All my friends are gone for good
I'm the last one left, and I am not good...

All I've left are my tomes now.

Soft Focus

me: please stop

john: hahahaha
but
i'm sure it's been done
like 99% sure
that some body mod idiot thinks that's tops

me: oh god
yuck
well that's rule 36 or whatever, right
like if you can come up with a concept, there's porn of it somewhere on the internet

john: right but i meant in a non-sexual way
some body mod idiot with horns
tore off his fingernails

me: oh gross yeah

john: because he thought it said "fuck you" to his daddy
when really it says "hey everybody i'm the fucking moron who tore off my fingernails. hi."

me: oh god, that guy WOULD have daddy issues

john: gosh this conversation really disintegrated

me: hahahaha yeah really

john: we went off the rails there
we were kind of in a mine cart
and you were screaming "dr. jones! dr. jones!"
and i was like "shut up kid"

me: hahahahahahahaha

john: *mine cart goes faster*
that was us

That is EXACTLY what it was like.

WHAT

So...there's a city in Colorado called DINOSAUR and all the streets are DINOSAUR THEMED. I kind of want to go as a dinosaur for Halloween. Anyway:



Sweet.

Do you guys think I need a "dinosaurs" tag yet?

This is turning into ThisIsWhyYoureFat.com/blog

Grande nonfat, no whip mocha: $4.03

Dry cleaning (7 pieces): $91.48

Lunch for 2 from Brown Bag Deli: $14.68

RX from Walgreens: $35.00

Running all your "errands" for the day without getting out of your car: Priceless

There are some things in life that require you to exert physical energy. For everything else, there's Being Fat.

ThisIsWhyYoureFat.com Checklist

1. Make plans for a ridiculously fun weekend, where it has been made clear that your every meal will be eaten at a foodie's delight restaurant. (Check)

2. Fail to prepare appropriately by eating lots of salads and eschewing cheeseburgers. (Check)

3. Consume 6000 calories on Friday and Saturday. (Check)

4. And an additional 1000 calories every night, in alcoholic form. (Check)

5. Get up on Sunday, vow to eat only salads for a week to atone for gastrointestinal strife all weekend. (Check)

6. Successfully eat a light brunch, but for Sunday dinner consume a heaping plate-ful of leftover Indian food. (Check)

7. Monday lunch: scalloped potatoes, veggie burger, bowl of peas, yogurt, chocolate cake. (Check)

8. Let the suicidal thoughts wash over you. (Check)

9. Refuse to apologize. (...Check)

MOM. DAD.

This is important. I think I finally found a SUITABLE BOY!

Related: Here's an excerpt from a recent interview Aziz Ansari did with the Chicago Tribune.

Which fictional character is most like you?

Wow. This is tough. I'll say Dr. Grant from "Jurassic Park." I like to think I'm pretty level-headed and if kids were trapped in a Ford Explorer getting attacked by a dinosaur I would make an effort to save them, as opposed to go hiding in the toilet like that weasely lawyer.

Dear Aziz,

I am pleased to announce that I am now accepting Suitor Applications (with attached biodata sheets, of course, and a cover letter if possible!). From you only.

Cool,
- Priya

Excuses, Excuses (UPDATED!)

Wow. It's been, like, 10 days since I last posted. Sorry, people who have office jobs! I know my updating schedule has a dramatic impact on the quality of your workday! To make up for it, here is a terrible excuse! I've been spending my time reading, being totally adored, having nervous breakdowns, and being content with my life. Guess which one is not like the others.
I'll return from this unintentional hiatus shortly, when I have thought a little more coherently about something to write that's more compelling than Reasons To Avoid My 5 Year High School Reunion (Which Is This Weekend).

UPDATE: I feel compelled to tell you that you can catch up on what I've been doing by following my Twitter feed. You can click on a link right there in the left margin and it will take you there. Because that is how the internet works.