Saturday, June 14, 2014

Hashtag Blessed, Basically

I blog less when I'm happy. A lot less. I think that's true of everyone, really. You're too busy experiencing the moment and spend a lot less time moaning about What Could Be when you're enjoying life. Also a lot of my day-to-day expression energy gets burned up on Twitter so you should be following me (@fairlyalarmed) if you're interested the more mundane updates. I kept a pen-and-paper journal in high school, college, all the way through to last year, and then stopped that and this page as well. I'm not the same KIND of happy as I was last year (that kind of unfettered glee is unsustainable and also probably a sign of mental unbalance in the long term), but I'm definitely more centered emotionally and...just...pleased about my life and myself than I've ever been. I've definitely had one of the best years of my life so far. This is different from other Best Years in that I've known it's the best as it's happening, a fact for which I'm thankful.

You'll notice my penchant for vague bullshit hasn't budged, however, hahahaha. Ummm...basically I took a year off between my MBA (from which I graduated last August after one of the most rewarding and fun semesters of my life) and law school, which I start in a couple months. I've been traveling, reading, working (a tiny bit), drinking (...more than a tiny bit), basically just trying to enjoy to the maximum the last period of my life where I can decide to go to Austin, NYC, San Francisco, or Vancouver (to name a few! I've been busy) on a whim because I have no responsibilities and am beholden to no one. Sounds charmed, right? It has certainly felt that way.

So. Law school in the fall! I'll be attending the UofH Law Center for the first year, at which point I'll consider transferring out of the city. I talked a lot about leaving Houston this year but I decided on UHLC for a lot of reasons, not just family needs me here this year due to some other events I might write about later. At first I was kind of irritated that I'm spending YET ANOTHER year here, especially since I'm already pretty sure I want to try and move back when it's time to Settle Down. In the end I've come around to the perspective that one year is a drop in the bucket (I mean, this last year went by pretty fast!), and my parents and I are already looking for apartments so that keeps me positive. After a dark period last year where I didn't know what to look forward to, having all this on the horizon, something concrete to move towards, is a kind of happiness unto itself.

Another thing that's made this year great is the fact that all this free time has given me the space to devote serious energy to my relationships and how I conduct myself within them. I've been thinking a lot about which people are important to me and why, and that's nice in that I don't feel so reactionary when stuff happens between another person and myself. Now when there's friction with someone I try to remember everything we've both invested in the relationship, and the fact that we have an ongoing bond to not fuck up by saying or doing dumb things. This is big for me because I've historically been very into Revenge and Teaching Lessons, which, in addition to being toxic for the soul, sometimes backfires in ways of which I am not a fan. I still get called "intimidating" by grown men sometimes but I'm trying to keep the outright thirst for blood in the professional/academic arenas of my life. I'm also trying to be more conscious about letting the small stuff slide which I'm aware is total cliche but get off me, I'm obviously extremely new to Zen Attitudes. I'm grateful that I got to use my time to make my friends' lives better this year, whether it's by traveling to support a friend going through a divorce, or reading about trans* issues at 4AM because it's impacting someone I know in a major way, or even something as simple and small as being free for happy hour when a friend had a particularly hard day. One old friend plans to have a baby this year and over dinner last week she told me she wants me in the delivery room! A new friend invited me to celebrate her birthday with her and a few other girls at a villa in Mexico in a couple of weeks and she's flying all of us out there IN A PRIVATE JET which I'm obviously psyched about. I'm also happy to say that I got to visit my grandparents and other family members a lot this year, and when things went bad in April I was privileged to say "I'll be there" no matter when, where, or for how long they needed me. That's something I can be proud of no matter what happens next.

I've lost weight, I dress better, and and feel healthier (mentally and physically) and more confident than ever, all without the help of hypnosis therapy! I don't really know how else to put this but I feel optimistic about the direction my life is taking! SEE THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T BLOG hahahaha positivity is so lame. Anyway, I think this post has fulfilled its purpose, which is: accomplishing something despite lazing around in bed all afternoon after attempting to take the edge off my hangover with Chik-Fil-A for breakfast (told you I'm having a good year). No promises about when I'm going to post next since I clearly can't be held to that but suffice it to say that for now I'm doing really well, I'm excited about the future, and I hope you are too. BREAK!

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