Plus...I'm a bitch!

I've never had pets. No dogs growing up, no cats at my apartment in LA, no hamsters or fish or turtles. Ever. I think my lack of experience in the "caring for/about another living creature" arena has made me somewhat callous in the face of other people's suffering. For example, consider this exchange, had near my place of work not too long ago.

Teary Woman who, I'm sure, is perfectly nice: "I'm sorry I'm crying. I just had to put my cat down."

Me: "Oh...that's okay."

TW: "I had her for 17 years."

Me: "..." (thinking: Isn't that an abnormally long time for a cat to live anyway?)

TW: *breaks into tears*

Me : "..." (thinking: "FUCK.")

So my parents just got a puppy because they have (I suspect) empty-nest problems and it;s going to die eventually and I'll have to, like, comfort them or whatever it is you do in those situations. No, I don't have a soul...why do you ask? My "thing" is that I'm a diverting conversationalist, hur hur.

ANYWAY, I think the same principle is true for babies. Like, I'm sure they're very fulfilling, but I am not at all interested in your kid. And this applies to spawn of all ages: if you are bragging about someone ELSE's accomplishments (She can roll over now! Just graduated middle school! Is pre-med!), you are forcing me to imagine your head exploding in lots of different ways just to keep from falling asleep. And that's gross. Even writing about how boring you are is boring me.

And yet...

And yet...