There Are No Words

You may be wondering why I haven't said anything about Tiffany "New York" Pollard in a while. After all, the whole second season of I Love New York has come and gone, and I haven't uttered word one on the subject. And you know how much I love to hate that mouthy, squinty, be-falsied ignorant sag-ass. *sigh* There I go again.

The truth behind my silence is that I haven't been watching. I've been without cable this whole time and honestly, I rather enjoyed the sanity. Celebrity news morsels passed before my very eyes like so many motes of dust in a sunbeam, and affected me about as much. Until I read this:

Tiffany "New York" Pollard: I don't like parrots, because they don't speak English diction.

AAAAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is it with this stupid bitch and animals? First it was the dolphins (of "I don't trust dolphins because I don't know where they keep their brains" fame) and now it's the parrot. I didn't see this episode, but I bet you twenty dollars it took place in Brazil at some lush-as-fuck resort in the middle of the jungle, the kind of lush-as-fuck resort that most of us will never see in our lifetimes because VH1 does not come to our houses offering to foot $20,000 bills. Stupid VH1. Anyway, in my mind's eye, she's here in the middle of the Amazon rainforest...in full New York regalia: where most would be wearing a wife-beater, athletic shorts, runners and a camera, Tiffany is wearing a silk minidress with the top of her lace push-up bra peeking out of the top. Her breasts jiggle nauseatingly. Her eyelashes (thicker than a boar's hair paintbrush, fake) are beginning to melt off her face, as the heat is too much for the glue that suspends them. She is wearing three-inch heels, the soles of which are clear. There may or may not be rhinestones. There may or may not be a cocktail ring. She is seated with some rube on a sad, sad excuse for a romantic excursion in a boat on the river, and someone - probably an unenviable, underpaid tour guide - points out a beautiful bird, perched in the branches above them. Tiffany ducks, since her first instinct is to look for bird shit. Then she utters the gem seen above (I can't bear to type it again). Cut away from the tour guide's beyond-disappointed/disgusted face, just in time to see the "date" puke off the side of the tour boat. Tiffany looks irredeemably haughty, tries to cross meaty thighs in a huff, crosses arms under miraculously hiked-up breasts.

This is all speculation, of course, since I didn't see the episode, but couldn't you just imagine it? What a pig.