Wednesday, February 18, 2009

American Idol Sucks (UPDATED!)

I fucking hate American Idol. It's annoying, depressing, and stupid all rolled into one show that somehow gets aired like 12 times a week. For a program that's essentially about people who karaoke, it does remarkably well. For my part, I generally prefer to get sloshed before I listen to people yodel while a fake orchestra does a 1 minute guitar-midi version of someone else's art. Anyway, I just watched tonight's episode, and (spoiler alert!) Danny won. For those of you who are not my dad and don't know every contestant's backstory, Danny is the one whose wife died last year. I wanted Tatiana to win because she's annoying and I enjoy throwing a wrench into things my dad likes, and also because both times I've seen Danny on camera, he's mentioned his dead wife. It's like he doesn't want us to pity him, but just in case we're in the pitying mood, and if that pitying mood makes us want to vote for him...we shouldn't forget that his wife fucking died.

me: anyway i hate the guy who just won but i feel bad for hating him because his wife died

John: haha

me: he always mentions the fact that his wife died
and he still wears his damn wedding ring
it's like jesus get over yourself, you're 26
it's not like he's 89 and just can't imagine not wearing it [i say this because that would be legitimately tragic - ed.]
oh and by the way...i don't want you to vote for me because you feel pity wife totally died
we were totally in love and she just DIED

John: haha

me: and then i came on American Idol and refused to sing happy songs because my wife died
and now i'm going to celebrate winning this round by singing "Did You Ever Know That You're My Hero?"
next week i plan to celebrate by singing "Hurt" by johnny cash

John: you know that was a nine inch nails song, right?
that cash covered

me: yeah, i knew one of them covered the other
it's just more depressing when sung by a dead guy

John: hahaha

me: then when he inevitably gets kicked off (because he's not THAT good), he's going to walk around singing "didn't we almost win it all" by laura branigan

John: haha

If you don't believe me, here's a selection dedicated to Danny from Defamer's coverage of last night's carnage:

Last and absolutely least we come to Danny Gokey. It wasn't a surprise that he went through. The judges (save, bless him, for Simon) have been peddling this whistling idiot for weeks now. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe because he's a less heinously ugly Elliot Yamin. Or maybe because he whored out the untimely death of his wife at the preliminary auditions, which he attended just one month after she died. It was so hard to talk about! Here, just roll this footage of their engagement that he just happened to have! He really bothers me and the judges' clappy, slobbery display over his lackluster "Hero" performance on Tuesday night was one of the season's most embarrassing, "please just put this disaster out of its misery" moments. So yeah. I hate Danny Gokey. And I hate his stupid friend Jamar or whatever who didn't make it through but sat there at the semis in the audience like the simpering, grasping wimp that he is. They're not going to see you there in the crowd and realize they were wrong, friend. It's over.

To be fair, this spills over onto Danny's similarly wanting friend Jamar, but you catch my drift. Danny sucks.

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