And then Marion texted me today saying that she was reading this marathon conversation and she could see our SOULS, and it was just so honest...and it began to dawn on me that maybe I shouldn't have published the conversation without John's explicit permission, even with all the edits and redactions I had made to the content. I posted it in the first place because I thought it was important for you to know me, too - for a different reason, obviously, but still - but I didn't think that when I revealed something significant about myself, John reciprocated, and maybe his part of the conversation might have a more appropriate home at his website, or...just out in the ether between us. So I took the post down, and I told him I was sorry, and I asked him if I could post it again. And he was like, "You need to calm down. Yes, put it back up. Jesus." So...here it is. Again. Enjoy.
John: man my diaryland is embarrassing
like atomic
me: dude, TELL ME WHERE TO FIND IT
John: dude
no
you don't even want none of this
trust
me: yes i do
John:
lemme check something
it might be locked
me: okay
John: [URL]
ugh
welcome to the darkest part of my soul
me: hahaha yessss
i think it is important to learn this about each other
hence...i will return the favor (?)
[URL]
John: haha yes!
oh man but you were such a better writer than i was at about the same time
i've made a terrible mistake
me: er, no, because you ended in 2003 and i ended in 2007
John: wait when did it begin?
me: mine began in like 2002
John: november 2001
me: okay, sure
John: you were much, much better
it's actually kind of astounding
probably because i didn't read anything at around that time
me: you also probably weren't trying as hard as you possibly fucking could to be as esoteric and snooty as possible
i don't see where you're coming up with these comparisons though
John: i guess i wasn't spending any time with anyone who liked to write, too
me: are we comparing 2003 to 2003?
John: yeah
what kind of fucking mongoloid do you think i am
me: hahaha well i'm struggling with these links, okay
John: yeah i'm comparing your entry yesterday in your blogspot to my first diaryland entry
THAT WOULD BE REALLY S-MART
me: i was super good about the HTML for like three of these years
and now all the fucking archives are all messed up
aghhh
John: hahaha
I'M GOING TO START A DIARYLAND DEVOTED TO POEMS ABOUT MURDERING YOU
me: hahahahahhahaha
I'M GOING TO START A XANGA ALL ABOUT HOW FUCKING DEAD YOU ARE TO ME
John: priya,
priya priya priya,
stick a finger in my
ear -------
will yield the most painful consequences
tell your family your time was good,
your luck will soon change.
that's my first poem
me: hahahaha
my first poem is JOHN JOHN JOHN JOHN JOHN JOHN JOHN IS DEAD
John: that's more like a chant you fucking dildo
me: hahahaha whatever i'm bad at poetry
John: speaking of which i'm going to kill you with a fucking dildo
just beating you upside the goddamn skull with it
me: HEY now whose taunts are taking on an uncomfortably sexual tone?
hahaha
John: til your brain looks like a jelly blue penis
FINE I CAN'T SAY I'LL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A FAKE PENIS
WOW JOHN MUST REALLY WANT TO DILDO ALL OF HIS FEMALE FRIENDS
RAIN ON MY PARADE, PRIYA
me: sorry i was a little closed-minded about what you would DO with the dildo
John: RAIN ON IT!
me: i never thought you might just straight up beat me to death with it
i guess that's my problem
John: pfft
check yoself b4 u wreck yoself
me: okay okay
but only because you asked so nicely
John: (i'm going to put you in the dryer)
me: (i'm going to stick you in one of those huge drums that they use in marching bands)
John: i'm going to turn you into mulch
and grow a beautiful garden
that smells like vindaloo
BOOM DOUBLE BURN
me: i'm going to send you through a wood chipper but when i sprinkle your remains on the ground everything will die
and nothing will ever grow there again
John: hahaha
so yeah
enjoy the festering boil that is my collection of memories from high school
enjoy it
me: haha enjoy mine
John: ugh i want to napalm my past self
me: i spent a lot of time trying to be cryptic, just so you know
John: hahaha
most of lauren's journals were the same way
me: they were like really thinly veiled hate messages to someone i dated in high school that didn't even read my diary
it was pretty pathetic
John: ooh who was it?
was it [redacted]?
me: sigh
yeah
John: YEAH!
me: i'm glad you know about that already
John: haha
me: so i don't have to explain how fucking idiotic i was
you just already know
John: haha
lauren has taught me well
in the ways in which you were a dipshit
haha kidding
me: i really wouldn't be surprised
nor would i really mind
it would be kind of a relief not to have to pretend
i escaped relatively scot-free, though i'm kind of pissed that he never told me that he loved me
i guess that was a special present for those who deigned to go down on him
hahaha
John: ugh i think i have pathologies about the fact that my first girlfriend...of three months, mind you...never told me she loved me
me: OOOH STILL A FONT OF FUCKING BITTERNESS AND SELF-LOATHING, HUH PRIYA
anyway yeah, is 3 months a long time?
John: haha no
but i was fucking kicked in the wiener that it never happened
me: hahaha i know!
i know exactly what you mean
i'm still all TELL ME YOU LOVE ME about everything
John: hahaha
me: though i don't know if that has anything to do with him directly or just my general insecurities
or if those two are connected (yes they are)
John: i mean that experience basically caused my first "i love you" with lauren to be this massive, gut-wrenching experience
me: was that your first I Love You ever?
John: no like i told [redacted] that i loved her
me: [redacted] from your diary?
John: but she said something like "we need more time"
haha yeah
me: BURN!!!!
what a whore
John: BURN
yeah
hahaha
me: jesus didnt she know you're just supposed to say it back even though you don't necessarily feel it?
and then you force yourself into a long term relationship with the person and eventually convince yourself that you DO feel it?
John: but anyway yeah that basically told me that saying "i love you" is a one-way ticket to getting doused with gasoline and set aflame
me: god, really...i see how you may have gotten that idea
John: so yeah when i got around to wanting to tell lauren
after dating for a good six months or so
i was a total wreck
me: that seems like a more normal time frame
John: oh yeah totally
i mean i totally acknowledge that i was the weirdo in the relationship with [redacted]
but it still sucked
me: yeah well, she should have just said it back
i mean...high school
whatever
John: [redacted] actually did read my diaryland for a while
just fyi
me: does that matter? did you address certain entries to her?
John: god, i lived inside an odd limbo where every girl i had ever had a fraction of a feeling for shared space in my thoughts and rhetoric when i was in high school
um, kind of
i kind of...slanted...some entries for her
or something
me: i get that
i would write love notes to guys i liked and never use their names
it was really really sad
John: yeah!
exactly
i actually don't think i knew anything about myself until i was totally fucking alone and depressed in college my freshman year
me: man, one of my saddest moments was when i wrote an entire entry backwards and put spaces between every letter so it was all one paragraph
and later i found out that everyone - EVERYONE - had fucking figured it out
John: hahahaaaaaaaa
that is epic
me: i didn't use names or anything but i was just...i don't know, looking for attention or something
yeah
John: yeah
me: i don't think i knew myself until freshman year either
why were you alone and depressed?
just a new kid, new town situation?
John: oh man
i don't know
i felt totally alienated when i went out
people didn't exactly line up to get to know me
and i was totally obsessed with [redacted 2]
by the way
not sure if you knew that
me: i knew about that
John: ok
me: well, i knew you liked her a lot
lauren didn't use the word "obsessed" or anything
John: and she was busy fucking this total schmuck who lived upstairs
me: UGHHHH HORRIBLE
that is THE WORST
John: and i was still kind of hung up with [redacted], too
me: also pretty American, right?
John: haha yeah
me: living in the dorms, being in love with someone who's fucking the schmuck upstairs
John: haha yeah i know what you mean
me: i'm just luxuriating in it
hahaha
John: i mean i can look back and see that it was really great
from a cinematic perspective
me: GOD YES
John: and i think i even appreciated it then, to be honest
which is maybe why i buried myself in it
me: hahaha well, people of a certain disposition often do appreciate melodrama
i know that you're one because we can smell our own
John: haha def
so yeah i just hated myself
and i gained like 20 lbs
looked like a lesbian
me: i think hating yourself is like, hells of important for character growth though
John: things were just awful for me
yeah
totally
i mean i really did grow from it
OH MY GOD MORE EXPLORATION
i just found a huge folder of saved emails from a few girls i had crushes on from 7th grade until college
un. real.
i'm bleeding out of my eyes
me: i used to save AIM conversations
John: haha
yeah i used to, too
me: like...files and files and files of saved convos
and emails
and all sorts of other bullshit
and i would hide them in other folders
and mark them in ways that only i could possibly interpret
i was, like, extremely paranoid about the whole thing
John: haha yeah
me: rightly so, obviously
christ
John: hahaha
HOLY GOD ON A CRACKER
read this
me: ?!?!?!
John: [redacted]
WHAT A DICKHOLE I WAS
me: oh my god, sounds DRAMATIC AS FUCK
why is that a dickhole thing to do?
John: i mean and for what????
me: hahahahahaha
John: no i mean just like "jesus h who gives a shit?"
that kind of dickhole
me: hahahaha i get it now
it's sweet though
at least you fucking cared
i know so many guys in high school that just didn't care at all
John: haha
well at least those guys GOT LAID
me: oh come on
John: hahaha
me: it is a GOOD thing you didn't get laid in 8th grade
imagine what a fucking dick you'd be now
John: i don't mean that
haha i know
me: christ
i'd murder you even more
no. it's better to be laid for being a nice guy than to get laid because you bullied someone into giving it up
which is what those guys did
John: that is totally true
i mean honestly i wouldn't change anything
but jesus it's weird to revisit
me: yeah, i know
but 15 was a terrible year for literally every single person i know
i mean, to whom i've spoken about it, i guess
actually all of high school was pretty much a terribly awkward phase
and i grew out of it when i was...uh...22 and 7 months
so that's good
John: hahaha
i know what you mean
me: i'm not even kidding about that last part
i've only felt moderately human for the last year or so
John: i think that's fairly normal
at least for people who really have a grasp of themselves
you know?
me: yeah...i kind of wonder what it's like to not really be as stuck in my own brain all the damn time
obviously this way is better, but still. it must be an easy life
John: fuck never thinking about yourself
about your own consciousness
i can't even imagine what it would have been like/would be like if i didn't live at least a little bit wrapped up in my own mind
me: hahaha no, me either
but i wonder
i mean, i can't even conceive of a life where i didn't obsess about every fucking thing everyone said to me
John: haha
me: i'm exaggerating a little bit
but obviously i AM pathologically insane, as you said
John: yeah but fuck people who aren't.
Incidentally, this conversation can only hold a flickering candle to the experience I had at John and Lauren's apartment the other week, when I was staying with them in Austin: John walked in on me washing my face at the end of the first day and acted all embarrassed about it, but I told him to come on in because I didn't care. And then we proceeded to brush our teeth together in a really strangely, unintentionally uncomfortable silence. The memory of it is cracking me up - I kept trying to catch his eye in the mirror and wiggle my eyebrows at him in a cheeky way, but he was studiously avoiding my gaze (apparently John's last roommate was really anal-retentive about people watching him brush his teeth? And now John is all trained to not look at other people?) which made it even weirder, because then I was suddenly aware of the fact that I was staring at my best friend's husband brushing his teeth...Seriously, you guys...what's wrong with me?
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