Thursday, December 16, 2010

People notice that I'm on Twitter a lot. Like...a lot. A lot more than everyone else is on Twitter. Maybe my prolificness comes off as egotism, like I think my thoughts are so clever and I'm doing everyone a favor by publishing everything that comes to mind, but I assure you that this is not the case. I am this way in real life, too, this isn't even about Twitter. It's just that Twitter is such an obvious symptom of what I'm doing that I had to bring it up. Rather than being an exercise in tormenting a captive audience, this activity is driven by a deep-seated desire to communicate (to exchange ideas, learn, teach, be scared, or astonished, or awestruck by the diversity and multitude in the world, and to know that, in those multitudes, there is still something common between us, something that we all share). I want to reach into the void in hopes of finding someone to communicate with.
Sometimes it happens, but most of the time it feels like I'm shouting into the deepest canyon under the sea. Whatever contact occurs is tangential at best, like the wakes of two boats - the two sets of ripples reach out, collide, retract, disappear.

Even when I do my best - I try to use my words to describe a common situation, or something that seems so clear to me - it often seems like everyone else is looking back, blankly tolerant until I stop. I guess I do this to feel like I'm less alone in the world, but I am beginning to decide that a sense of community is bullshit. I don't go to sleep knowing that I am part of something bigger. I go to sleep just as alone as I've always been, one sad stupid candle, flickering until I go out, until one day I won't come back on in the morning and everything will go on just like it always has, and the thing that we share is that everyone else is alone too, everyone reaching out and attempting to feel the black nothingness, reaching out and discovering that what is without just mirrors what is within, nothingness, blackness, the void like a 3D IMAX show that your hand just passes through without changing anything.

1 comment:

pmod said...

Please watch this:

You are both deeply connected to everything and no thing at all.