Sunday, March 6, 2011

How To Have the Best Night of Your Life

1. Be invited to "just get some drinks" at the bar you always go to, but haven't visited in a few weeks, with good friends you haven't seen in a while. Be well rested - if you feel even an iota of exhaust creeping in, drink a 5 Hour Energy. Have "a good feeling" about tonight, but don't say anything to anyone for fear of jinxing it.

2. Spend an hour and a half getting ready because you want to look cute in these photos for years to come. "Remember that night?" you'll ask your friends, when they have kids and you have tenure. Yes. They will remember.

3. Get to the bar. Drive around the block three times looking for parking, and eventually pay a guy that looks exactly like J.B. Smoove to watch your car. He says that you are "built for speed" and that is supposed to be a compliment.

4. The bar is full of fucking HIPSTERS. They all smell terrible and have ratty, unkempt mustaches. There's a band actually playing IN the bar, where patrons should be standing. Nobody can hear anything. You ask for a vodka soda but receive a vodka tonic instead, with no explanation. You look over your shoulder and your group is already walking out to the patio.

5. Start worrying about how much work you have to do. Try to banish these thoughts but the mental list keeps building and suddenly you feel exhausted. Look at your watch. It's only 11:30 and you realize you hate everyone for inviting you here.

6. One of your friends invited someone who is not your friend. This guy is actually wearing a three piece suit and it makes you feel suicidal. On top of this he is excessively rude to everyone and it makes you want to choke him with his own tie. You mutter under your breath that you might accept that behavior from someone wearing brogues but this fool is wearing wingtips so where does he get off? He hears you.

7. The unanimous decision has been made to migrate to another bar - a new one that has a good reputation. You haven't been there before, and you've been meaning to go, so it looks like the night is looking up.

8. Look up the address on your phone so you can GPS your way there. The address does not include street, court, avenue, or boulevard, so your car is completely clueless. Somehow find your way to the right street anyway, and start driving slowly up the block towards the right address.

9. Drive around the block five times looking for the place.

10. Realize your friend is wearing flip-flops so he will definitely get rejected.

11. Realize that same friend donated platelets that morning so when he gets rejected he is definitely going home. See your opening. Realize that you will go home too. Look at your watch. It's 12:15 but it feels like you've been up all night.

12. Make it to the bar. Your friend gets rejected, and you breathe a sigh of relief.

13. Go home, take off your makeup, put your hair up in a ponytail. It's 12:45. Watch Dirty Jobs until you fall asleep.

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