Wednesday, April 10, 2013

A Good Thing

Although I generally feel really good about what's happened over the last week, my heart won't stop pounding. I don't know why; I was finally able to admit to myself that I was trying to cover up my own true nature, just as he was. And that admission erased the weight of anger at what he'd done, guilt for my own inability to conform despite how much I wanted to...even the nameless dread of knowing that the whole thing just wasn't right at its core. It has truly been a relief, not only of my own suffering but of the suffering I know (and knew) I was causing him. I am free not only of all that negativity but from the grudge that was building between us. That's a good thing, right? It was, for both of us. Then why am I so torn up still? It's not that I am afraid of what I feel he must have done now that he is no longer burdened with a ban on what he finds valuable in the world. I'm actually happy about what I assume has already happened. I guess I just must be sad that the reality I'd built, with what I thought was an understanding between us at its foundation, has come crumbling around my ears, and I have to admit another thing. That my world isn't what I thought it was, that I'm not the person I thought I was, that I'm not many things I thought I was. To learn that basic truths I had accepted as part of my self are not, in fact, rooted in reality has been startling, enlivening, but also gruesome. I feel like I'm picking through the discarded facades or scaffolding from buildings that are now showing their true faces, but that's not the painful part. The painful part is that there are body parts lying below, and the bodies all have my face, over and over again.  I see now that while I had always embraced the notion that I don't know much about the world in general, I also still have much to learn about myself, at my own core. It's been a humbling experience. Also a good thing.

But where to go from here, when what amounts to an entire belief system is in shambles all around me now? Everything I thought I wanted for my life suddenly seems dull and gray because the feelings that made me want them weren't real. They were ideas, constructs, assumptions, even lies. The joy I felt for my future tastes like ashes. I have to remember that just putting one foot in front of the other is always a good place to start.
One good thing at a time...but they come so slowly...

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