Sunday, June 3, 2007

The MTV Movie Awards

No, I'm not going to do a play-by-play. I'm watching it on; they have each segment split up by one of two ads: the Sand-Chug orbit commercial, and the "bad to the bone" Blue-Ray DVD Release of Ghost Rider. Did everyone watching at home have to watch that shit? But I will go ahead and make comments as I watch this two hours behind everyone else.

God Dammit, Sarah Silverman. I thought I had a girl-crush on you before, but I didn't. I had what was only a minor affliction compared to what I feel now. YOU ARE FUCKING HOT. Seriously, you're making me mad. You're supposed to be the "cute" pne, the one that always gets to be the "friend" of the guy you really like! Like all us normal funny girls! WHAT IS THIS ABOUT?! Seriously, what now?

Bruce Willis...HAWAIIAN SHIRT?!

I also loved SBC's going onstage and saying, "hellooo...HELLOOO!!!...I'm English!" which is exactly what someone would say if they weren't English but had just caught themselves doing a really bad accent.

Cameron Diaz is acting like she just finished 10th grade. Someone please unleash that hairy fat man on her. We get it: Mike Myers. Awesome.

(Am I going to be one of those snarky bloggers like Perez Hilton?! I think I might...In case you misread that, my emotion in that last sentence was horrible realization.)

Mike Myers's speech was so great. Respectful, hilarious, professional...oh, and Mike? You still dance like a star.

What the hell is up with iced-out dog tags? I think they're gauche. Yes, Sam Jackson, I'm talking to you. Did you ever serve in the military? No? mistake. So that makes you about as cool as Spencer, that evil guy from The Hills. He has one too. His dad bought it for him. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? YOU WANT TO BE LIKE EVIL SPENCER?!

Oh, Bruce Willis is back! I LOVE YOU!! Nice Suit. You look hot. I want to spread you like cheese over a cracker, if I'm not putting too fine a point on it. Or I could be the cheese. I'm not sure yet.

Amy Winehouse - I've been purposefully avoiding her because it bugs me when artists get overblown and overhyped *ahem, pete wentz*, but she's actually very good. She'd be even better, though, if she didn't look like the skinnier Olson twin, and if she didn't look so damn underwhelmed. POOR AMY, I FORGOT, YOU'RE FUCKING FAMOUS! WHAT A TERRIBLE LIFE!!!!! THEY TRIED TO MAKE YOU GO TO REHAB!? WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT SHIT!?

This is what happens when I try to emote with people for whom I feel no sympathy.

Oh no, MTV totally shat the bed. The footage ends with Amy's that it? No big sign off? What? Oh, well, I'll have to check with Kyle, because HE WAS THERE.

There are no words to describe the injustice I feel. He doesn't even CARE! And yesterday he saw Chris Pontius. Apparently Kyle wanted to help him, but he was wrapped up with helping a lady who wanted someone to peel her shrimp for her, which cracks me up whenever I think of it. And then Chris gave Kyle a very pointed "I would totally buy a steak if someone would help me!" look. And then Kyle gave what he hoped was a "This lady wants me to fucking peel her shrimp, first off, and second, I don't know how to interrupt her and say that the seafood counter is over there" look.

I saw Mr. Brooks the other night with my dad, it was good.

Oh wait, MTV's back on the game, the rest of the show is up now. Whichever intern did that needs to be given a stern talking-to.

Eva Mendez: "OMIGOD, I loooove Jew sperm! It's so cute!"


Something I have to bring up about watching the awards via is that they announce IN THE TITLE OF THE SEGMENT who wins the shiny popcorn. JOHNNY DEPP WINS BEST PERFORMANCE. By the way, Johnny Depp...looks like he just put conditioner in his hair and then drove to the movie awards in a convertible with the . I'd still do him. Or at least I'd make out with him while rifling through my mental dictionary to decide which combination of words I'd use to describe his hideously overpowering odor and the way he moaned "ahoy".

Sarah...could you say the word "hairspray" some more? Once more? Oh good. Thanks!

Nonthreatening virginal heartthrob type standing next to Amanda Bynes? Skinny Tie? I like it. Despite myself.

Yay Pirates!

Wait, no Matt Damon? WTF?! Just kidding, but that was kind of a lame send-off. No big confetti blow-out? What? Oh well, I'll ask Kyle about it since HE WAS THERE.

I fucking hate him.

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