TLDR: Internet Speak for "Too Long, Didn't Read."

I took a four hour nap this afternoon (because I suck, that's why), so I'm online, messing around on the internet until I pass out. I've read all my usual blogs, posted on all my usual forums, and Facebook stalked everyone I've known since I was seven years old. It's time for...ESQUIRE.

Esquire.com is where I go when I feel like I've been hating on men for too long. Really, they do a great job over there of trying to make their readers good people, lovers, boyfriends, husbands (unlike some men's publications I could think of - one of which once included an article on how to get away with cheating: Rule #5. Clean your apartment when your mistress leaves. Half an hour later, clean it again. You'll always find something you missed the first time). I like Esquire. Occasionally they do some inscrutable one-page essay on why Jessica Simpson matters...something about breasts like overstuffed game hens?...but usually they're on the mark.

That goes tenfold for their 10 Things You Don't Know About Women column. The women they include aren't always on the mark, but they each have ten chances to say something hilarious, mind-blowing, and gut-wrenchingly true. And you always learn something about the women giving the hints: Kim Cattrall is exactly who you think she'd be, Parker Posey is...well, her hints make no sense (2. You know those places that only sell smell-good, girlie products? There is a patron saint of these places - perhaps a cult leader - and that's all I can say). No wonder she dated Ryan Adams. Also, it's spelled GIRLY. WITH A Y. It's an adjective.
ANYWAY...I just spent 45 minutes reading archives of the column, and here are my 10 favourites, with their authors.

1. If you want to date an Asian sister, do not do the following: (a) Tell me about your trip to Asia and how you taught English there. (b)Tell me how much you just looove Chinese food. (c) Practice your Japanese on me. I'm Korean. - Sandra Oh

1. Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy. - Alyssa Milano
* Yes, there are two #1s. This one was just SO FUCKING GOOD. I couldn't leave it out.

2. We're not afraid you're cheating on us; we're afraid you're retarded. - Molly Shannon

3. Hearing about your obsession with Michael Vick's athletic prowess is about as riveting to us as our gushing over the brilliance of OPI nail polish is to you. Never heard of it? Don't care? Exactly. - Christina Applegate

4. You say: "I'm intense." We hear: "I'm a psycho." - Jennifer Coolidge

5. We envy your ability to compete without regard for popularity. We, on the other hand, will suck the marrow from the bones of anyone in our way, then worry that (a) sucking marrow is mean, and (b) our victim will tell other people about said marrow-sucking incident. - Ana Gasteyer

6. Pro-choice women feel a tiny bit bad that you have no voice in the fate of your unborn child. The same way you feel a tiny bit bad that we make only seventy cents for every dollar you earn. Yeah, we plan to do nothing about it, either. - Stephnie Weir

7. Your Christopher Walken impression does nothing for us sexually. - Julia Louis-Dreyfus

8. You know what's really gay? Football. Instead of watching it, just have sex with another dude once a year. Get it all out of your system at once. - Jenna Fischer

9. We use your razor because it's there. - Patricia Heaton

10. Boxers or briefs? Who cares, as long as they're clean and you know how to take 'em off to music. - Jill A. Davis

You may or may not believe in any of that, and we can still be friends; some I included because they're messages to my boyfriend (the one about the razor - yeah, I use it. Everywhere.), some got in because they're messages to other guys (the one about Christopher Walken impressions - I have a good friend who NEEDS THIS INFORMATION), and some are just hilarious and had the right number in front of them (number 4). And some say something about my personal politics in a way that I think is succinct and accurate (number 6). Also, I know there are actually 11 Things. Oops.