Saturday, August 9, 2008

He's so hot, he's making me sexist. Bitch.

So yesterday I convinced Marion to see The Mummy: Curse of the Dragon Emperor with me. It was a pretty bad movie, like Star Wars but marketed towards people who, let's face it, should know better: lots of stupid one liners -



Tommy: "You guys are like Mummy Magnets!"

Rick: "We're all going to die! AAHAHAHAHAH! WHY AM I LAUGHING!?"

Eric (extremely casually): "Hey, Mom? I'm sorry I blamed you for raising the Dragon Emperor."

- and lots of wipes to indicate scene changes. Like we need visual reminders that when we see Brendan Fraser get into a car and then, seconds later, get out of a car that OMG HE WENT SOMEPLACE ELSE AND NOW SOMETHING ELSE IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

AND it was bad because the plot was so obvious and boring: The Dragon Emperor wants immortality, sends best friend General Ming to find the famed witch of the Himalayas to bring him the secret to eternal life.

After we had heard that much, I made the following prediction: General Ming brings her back, and she's totes hot. So Dragon Emperor wants her for himself. Ming and the witch find the secret of eternal life, and they fall in love. Then they come back to the Dragon Emperor and tell him they have the secret. As a reward, they would like to get married. The Dragon Emperor is pissed, so he kills Ming and the witch, and he himself dies of old age.

Which is more or less what happens. Oops! Spoilers!

I was also kind of mad that they replaced Rachel Weisz with Maria Bello. Weisz and Fraser had what is known in the movie biz as "chemistry", whereas Bello and Fraser seem to have what is known as "professional courtesy towards one another". Maybe it would have helped if Maria was pretty. Oooh, low blow. Pardon me.

The movie ends with Tommy clutching a giant diamond to his chest and saying, "I'm going someplace where there are NO MUMMIES! Peru, here I come!" And then, as his car drives off into the horizon and the screen fades to black, a little text epilogue appears that says, "Shortly after, mummies were discovered in Peru." HERE WE GO AGAIN!!

The whole movie was pretty cringe-worthy. But, as I Twittered last night, I saw Brendan Fraser shirtless twice, so I got what I came for.

Marion thinks this is a terribly goofy picture of him, but I don't. He could "inspire" me any day.