Saturday, September 12, 2009

The Mother of All Surveys

So this survey is technically not the mother of all the other surveys, in that it came after many other surveys were born and died, but it is the biggest and best one I've ever done (that's what she said), so here goes. Again (you may remember that I filled this one out a year ago this month...if you don't, congratulations, you're not a stalker. Maybe).

NOTE: So I worked on this survey for a few days, and now that I'm reading it again I realize that it's the most insincere, dickish, sarcastic thing I've ever written. But that's kind of funny. So...enjoy my alter ego, I guess?


1.What did you have for breakfast five days ago (If you didn't eat breakfast five days ago please instead substitute what you ate five breakfasts ago for you answer; if you don't eat breakfast for any reason - be it ideological, religious, or fear-based - please explain further)?
Grande non-fat, no-whip mocha. I don't usually eat a breakfast, and it's a fear-based reason, but I can't explain because of the fear.


2. Are you nice?
No. Fuck being nice, and fuck you, too.


3. How many jobs do you currently hold?
None. I'm a student.


4. Take off that stupid-ass hat. That's not a question, just do it.
I'm not wearing a hat. One of the great tragedies of my life is that I could never wear a hat, even if I wanted to. BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A HEAD. GOD. YOU'RE SO INSENSITIVE. Actually it's because hats make me look really stupid.


5. Remember when we used to pass around surveys through email rather than MySpace? Wasn't that great? Isn't instant nostalgia wonderful? Do you have a nostalgic email-based memory you'd like to share? If not, go light up a cigarette and jump to the last few questions, 'cause this isn't working for you at all and I can tell, you're just phoning it in:
Jesus Christ. Relax.
a.) I fucking hate email. And I hate Myspace. And I hate Facebook. I hate everything. Maybe I should come back and complete this survey when I'm in a slightly better mood.

NOW I'M BACK.

6. What's a pet peeve you've never told anyone?
I'm usually very vocal about my peeves. But now that I think about it, the phrase "pet peeve" is really goddamn annoying. We should come up with something that describes the "pet peeve" phenomenon in less cutesey terms. It's like saying you're going to use the little girls' room. Gross.


7a. Are you worried about something?
I'm worried about how many brain cells I'm killing by doing this survey. I need all the brain cells so I can murder them later by drinking too much and maybe doing drugs if I can get my hands on any this weekend.


7b. Should you get over it?
I think it's a pretty valid concern, actually.


8. Defend your love for something ridiculous:
I love...man, what did I put for this answer last year? I love...making my mother cry. There. Defend YOURSELF.


9. This is the part of the survey that you give us a loosely detailed description of what you look like so we can get a decent image of you in our head that we can use while we masturbate in the shower tomorrow morning before work:
I look and feel unsettlingly like a cactus filled with Gak. Enjoy your onanism.


10. Is there a God?
No.


11. What's the best album no one's listening to that you wish everyone would listen to?
The Beatles - Help!


12a. What about your parents (or legal guardians) do you love?
Who has "legal guardians" anymore? I mean, really. That's so bourgeois.


12b. What about them do you hate?
I hate that I live with them.


13. Rene Descartes said, "Cogito ergo sum." Can you believe that French ponce, speaking two languages and NEITHER of them being English? Expand on your indignation; extra jingoism and unfounded "patriotic" claims are a plus (5 bonus points for including a drawing of the American flag):
Listen, lady. I only speak two languages: English and BAD ENGLISH!!!!!!


14. When was the first time you kissed a member of the sex you're currently attracted to?
Sophomore year. During the first Lord of the Rings movie. Maybe that's why I get a boner every time I hear Orcs roar (it happens more often than I'd like to admit).


15. What do you wish were different in your life?
Besides "everything"?


16. "Fight Club" or "The Matrix?"
Fight Club, unhesitatingly. The Matrix was pretty good, though. It's a pity they never made any follow-ups.


17. When were you last scared out of your mind?
In the winter of 1994...


18a. What household chore do you hate the most?
Washing dishes. Washing dishes makes me want to throw everything I own out the window and live in a shoebox.


18b. Which household chore do you like the most?
Installing Glade Plugins. It's like I actually did something productive.


19. What's something commonplace that everyone else does that you don't do?
Tooth brushing.


20. When was the first or last time you overcame embarrassment?
Never. Actually that was a real answer.


21. Who was your last phone call to? Who was the last phone call you received from?
To: my brother.
From: Marion.

22. Define "freedom":
Ugh. I hate these fucking definition questions. I wish people would stop treating me like their little dancing monkey, just because I'm a human dictionary, that's all. Can't a girl get a little dignity in life? FINE.
1 the quality or state of being free: as (a) the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action (b) liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another : independence (c) the quality or state of being exempt or released usually from something onerous (d) ease, facility (e) the quality of being frank, open, or outspoken (f) improper familiarity (g) boldness of conception or execution (h) unrestricted use
2 (a) a political right (b) franchise, privilege
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THAT. Slave drivers. This is worse than apartheid.


23. Where's your favorite place to eat that everyone should know about?
There's this delightful little hole in the wall, a real Mexican establishment. It's called Chipotle...just a tiny establishment run by a local family. You should definitely try one of their burritos! They're huge!


24. What do you regret?
I regret not learning to knife-fight. I know a lot of people who would benefit from a good stabbing.


25. What makes you feel charitable? Why?
Nothing? I guess because no matter what, being "charitable" always means interacting with other people in some capacity and I prefer to minimize that.


26. Who was the best Beatle? Defend him:
The Beatles are so played out.


27a. Which "Saved By the Bell" cast member could you outduel in a match of wits?
Well, all of them, right? I mean, none of them were truly renowned for their smarts, were they?


27b. Which one would you take on a date to The Max?
ZACK I mean, I don't know, I don't really have a preference...it was so long ago, you know? And those multi-coloured hammer pants/ acid washed jeans just look so silly now (seriously, though. Zack).


27c. Which one could you take in a fight (NOTE: Don't say "Slater," because he was the best wrestler at Bayside and he'd whup your punk fuckin' ass, it's a fact, just admit it)?
Screech, duh. Why is this a question?


28. Where is Vice President Dick Cheney? Seriously, where is he? He shot that one guy, I guess, and now...now it's like...God, you know...fuckin'...I don't even know. I don't even know, you know? It's crazy. It's totally crazy. God. Seriously though, where is he?
He's on TV. Somewhere, somehow, Dick Cheney is on TV.


29. How do you make the magic fortune in a fortune cookie come true? Explain your procedure.
I take it out back and shoot it. Doesn't matter what kind of gun. I just want to bury it under like eight bullets. That's right, my procedure requires a reload.


30a. What don't you do enough of?
Smacking that dumbass grin off everyone's face.


30b. What do you do too much of?
Wondering what deep-fried butter tastes like.


31. Is honesty the best policy?
Depends on what we're being honest about. Why I'm mad at you? Yes. What do I think about your penis? No. Hahahaha. KIDDING. It's just right, baby!
...
...
Next question.


32. Reality TV: for or against?
For its utter destruction. Against taking prisoners.


33. No one cares if you drink or smoke. The real question: Mescaline or Acid?
I don't know the difference. I tend to mix and match my controlled substances anyway.


34. What's your definition of "First Base?" "Second?" "Third?" "Home?"
Um, this discussion is for fifth-graders. Nobody even cares what "hooking up" means anymore. It all means sex.


35. What are you getting out of life: what you want, what you earned, or what you deserve?
I have always thought this was a good question. I'm getting what I want.


36. Chuck Klosterman asked this once in an essay in ESPN: The Magazine, and I paraphrase: If the predominant number of athletes in the National Football League are using performance-enhancing drugs, can it still be considered cheating?
"Cheating" is all in terms of the rules set by the participants. Players are only half of that relationship - the other half is comprised of (I guess) admin people and the audience. If the admin people and the audience considers using drugs "cheating", then using drugs is cheating.
All that having been said, I think everyone should get on board with drugs.


37. What's on your desktop of your computer?
A wallpaper of lollipops, cupcakes, stars, hearts, and a unicorn. Oh, you don't believe me?

But now I kind of want to change it back to this:



38. What do you collect?
Mistakes.


39. Best video game of all time, hands down:
I only SORT of like video games. Mostly people who play video games obsessively anger me. But then again, so does everything, so I guess they shouldn't take it personally.


40a. What was the best thing that happened in elementary school?
Um, nothing good ever happened to me in elementary school.


40b. In Middle school / junior high?
I met some of my best friends in middle school! AND I slapped my bully! In the face!


40c. In high school?
I picked up this delightful attitude you see today. And also some more friends. But mostly a poor outlook on the world and everyone that occupies it.


40d. In College?
I don't know yet. I'm not done. I'll NEVER get done. God dammit. This is interminable.


40e. Oh, come on...seriously, you went to grad school? God...okay, fine. The best thing that happened in grad school. No wait, let me guess...you made a million dollars when you got out, right? Was that your answer, you asskisser?
Not quite, but I do plan on staying in school forever so I don't have to get a job. DADDY!


41a. Ever fired a gun?
No.


41b. At someone?
HAHa! No. I'm more the stabbing type, anyway. I like to get close to my prey.


42. Can you do any superhuman tricks? Like, are you double-jointed and other freakish things of that nature?
My shoulder can pop out of socket.


43. Describe the perfect birthday:
The one where I turned 18. I was so innocent back then, so much future!


44. Do you want to go to the Moon?
It's not quite far enough away, but I guess it'll do.


45. There's no way out! It's hopeless! An impossible task is at hand! How are we possibly going to escape?! Save us:
Git to da choppa?


46. Where do we as humans go from here?
I think it's obvious that we're done physically evolving - it explains the existence of things like Cirque du Soleil - so the next thing to do is either involve intellectually or die out. I would prefer the former (misanthropic as I can be), but I wouldn't be surprised if the latter prevailed after all.


47. Aren't you excited that this survey's almost over? Display your feelings in iambic pentameter (if you can't, perhaps you can go in a corner and play with a tiny rubber ball or your PSP, you know, something else that instantly shows the world you have a lower IQ than absolutely everyone you see):
I find it strange that a phrase including the words "iambic pentameter" can't be written in iambic pentameter. XBOX!


48. Where were you when the Twin Towers fell?
Jesus Christ. I can't deal with this question today.


49. I'm funnier than you. How are you coping with that?
I'm absolutely cutting myself over it.


50a. What will you do today that will make it better than yesterday?
End it all?


50b. It was gay to end on that question, and I'm sorry. I thought it would wrap things up nicely. If you liked it, cool, 'cause that's the end. But if you hated it, here's one last question:
If you could kill someone and you knew one hundred percent beyond a shadow of a doubt that you could get away with it, would you do it?
Oh yes. I can think of some apt candidates for that honor right now. I've got a whole goddamn list.

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