Sunday, December 6, 2009

The 50 Best Inventions of the Year (according to Time) (interpreted by my Id)

1. A Flexible Path Through Space. Flybys and orbits of multiple destinations could replace landings on the moon or Mars. Wait, flybys, what? Moon? I hate this already. Chocolate.

2. The Tank-Bred Tuna. SUUUUUSHIIIIII

3. The $10 Million Lightbulb. The LED bulb emits the same amount of light as its incandescent equivalent but uses less than 10 watts and lasts for 25,000 hours - or 25 times as long. What is the practical application of this - what's that over there?

4. The Smart Thermostat. A little device, with a screen, that can talk wirelessly to your various appliances and let you know how much electricity (or gas) each one is using and how much it's costing you. If this thing isn't for keeping your house above 78 degrees at all times I'm not fucking interested. Next.

5. Controller-Free Gaming. YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE NINTENDO wait not that kind of control? Well what the fuck then?

6. Teleportation. Scientists successfully teleported data from one atom to another in a container a meter away. SPACE OUTER SPACE not outer space? Next.

7. The Telescope for Invisible Stars. Herschel scans the skies in the infrared spectrum to reveal stars which were previously invisible due to extremely low temperatures in space. Shiny pictures.

8. The AIDS Vaccine. The vaccine is not approved for use yet, but it's the first to make any headway against HIV, and that's a start. CURE IT OR GTFO BITCHEZZZ

9. Tweeting by Thinking. Justin Williams focused his attention on one flashing letter after another on a computer screen while wearing a cap outfitted with electrodes that monitored changes in his brain activity to figure out which character he wanted. A NEW WAY TO EXPEND LESS PHYSICAL ENERGY WHILE CREATING MORE MEANINGLESS OUTPUT SIGN ME THE FUCK UP

10. The Electric Eye. The chip, which is encased in titanium to prevent water damage, will be implanted onto a patient's eyeball. The patient will then wear a pair of eyeglasses equipped with a tiny camera that transmits images directly to the chip, which in turn sends them to the brain. Gross.

11. The Mercury Probe. You should send a PROBE TO URANUS INSTEAD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BUTTS.

12. The Personal Carbon Footprint. Rich nations (like the US) need to make the first cuts, but they won't until developing nations (like China) do - and vice versa. Researcher suggest working on the individual level instead. But, but, I NEED to hear the tap rushing all night while I'm asleep. It's like the ocean.

13. The Solar Shingle. Sounds like a space disease.

14. The Handheld Ultrasound. It looks like a Nintendo DS. Does it come in pink?

15. The YikeBike. A folding electric bike which weighs roughly 20 lbs and runs on a lithium phosphate battery that can be charged to 80% capacity in 20 minutes. Why YIKE bike? Because it rhymes? I'm hungry. Or tired. Aaaaand now I'm bored.

16. Vertical Farming. If I can't do this on Facebook I don't want to know.

17. The Planetary Skin. Gross.

18. The $20 Knee. The JaipurKnee comprises five pieces of plastic and four nuts and bolts. it requires no special tools and takes just a few hours to manufacture. I hope it comes with a pair of pants, lolololol.

19. A watchdog for Financial Products. The goal: to make sure that financial products aren't rigged in favor of the firms selling them and that ordinary people have a shot at wading through complicated contracts and fee structures to really understand what they're getting themselves into. Moneys. I wants some. DADDYYY!!!!

20. The Electric Microbe. Gross.

21. The Bladeless Fan. Magic. Science. Chocolate.

22. The Custom Puppy. In 2007, BioArts delivered puppies to five customers who paid an average of $144,000 for copies of their canines. They paid HOW MUCH

23. The Cyborg Beetle. Gross.

24. The Biotech Stradivarius. Pretty sounds. Pretty.

25. The Nissan Leaf. The first fully electric vehicle built for mass production for the global market. THE LEAF IS THE CUTEST NAME FOR A CAR EVER I NEED ONE NOW

26. The Robo-Penguin. Aaaaawwwwwww...Penguin.

27. The Universal Unicycle. But I already HAVE an office chair.

28. YouTube Funk. I want to DAAAANCE

29. Dandelion Rubber. That's what she said!

30. Wooden Bones. Because of the sponginess of the wood, live bones are expected to grow into the structure faster than with traditional titanium or ceramic implants, decreasing the time it takes to mend a broken bone. That is also what she said.

31. The Living Wall. Tell your mom I said hi.

32. The School of One. It's learning for the Xbox generation. LEarning? NOOOOOOOOO

33. The No-Punt Offense. Ya lost me.

34. The Human-Powered Vending Machine. Gross.

35. The Handyman's X-Ray Vision. GROSS.

36. Meat Farms. GROSS.

37. Packing, Improved. The researcher and his team developed an algorithm that broke the record for fitting a given number of different size discs into the smallest circle. The algorithm improves on its competitors in that it's better at detecting false starts and backtracking when it hits on an inelegant configuration. The picture of this thing is so goddamn boring I just entered a coma.

38. The Foldable Speaker. I'm tired. I need a nap.

39. The Levitating Mouse. According to the scientists who conducted the experiment, the weightless mice were initially confused and flung themselves into rapid spins. The scientists sedated the rodents, which helped, but said eventually even fully conscious mice were able to acclimate to the weightless conditions enough to eat and drink normally. AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW

40. The Edible Race Car. 10 more to go and then I can have something to eat.

41. The High-Speed Helicopter. 9 more.

42. The Supersuit. The suit makes that man look like a Ken doll.

43. The Eyeborg. Rob Spence is attempting to replace his prosthetic eye with a battery-powered, wireless video camera, thereby making himself into an "Eyeborg," with the power to record exactly what he's looking at as digital video. Gross.

44. Spiderweb Silk. Gross.

45. The Sky King. It set the world record for the longest flight by a paper airplane. 5 more.

46. The Smart Bullet. Boring.

47. The Fashion Robot. It looks like a child. Yikes.

48. The 3-D Camera. I thought we already had these. #49 better be the fucking flying car.

49. The Newest Cloud. GOD DAMMIT

50. The World's Fastest (Steam-Powered) Car. Aw, it's a train.

...And the five worst inventions:

1. The Smile Police: Employees in Japan have their smiles scanned by software to maximize cheeriness. What would happen if it scanned A FROWN?

2. The Jane Austen Monster Mashup Novel. For people with no sense of humor.

3. Snuggies for Dogs. For people who think their dogs love life too much.

4. The Gas-Mask Bra. Actually not such a bad idea. I lived with a guy once you know.

5. Computer Critics. A new standardized test in the UK will use software, not humans, to grade student essays. Hey...being replaced by machines hurts!

1 comment:

L said...

Did you look at this slideshow yet? The Robo Penguin is fucking creepy.