Follow Through

HELLO yes I decided am going to post AT LEAST once a month in here (because I realized I at the last minute that I can actually follow through on this). I am mentally empty right now but I'm going to make a post about something god dammit! Uhhh school school school. I haven't gotten a haircut in a YEAR because I've been caught up in school and work and life. I need a haircut. So badly. Ugh. But all I can do is obsess about accounting because I am soooo so bad at it. I mean, all my life (until high school) I was a straight A student except in math. Starting freshman year I got 89s in every math class I ever took and it's been DRIVING ME MAD. And of allll the subjects I was alright at, and the few that I was good at, and the ONE subject I was REALLY good at...I chose to get a master's degree in what has amounted to MATH. Fucking hell. My life is hell. I mean...yes, it's hell, but not in a way where I actively fantasize about ending it all, so that's good.

I'm going to strive to name...
FIVE Other things that are good:
- Boyf
- Baby Elephants
- Naps
- Cute Underpants
- Carbs

There. I did it. Wasn't much of a stretch, I'll admit it, but maybe I can do 5 good things every month? I'm dubious about that part because I'm such a curmudgeon but I think I can at least post. Okay. Let's do it. POST POST POST POST POST

Me?

I would love to just BE this moment, suspended in time, forever.

I laughed. Literally. The entire time this was playing.

I dunno! Something about all those kids shitting themselves in terror and/or delight just made me giggle.

Things I'm Thinking About Now, or: I Probably Need to Take My Meds

What does it say about me that I can't even live up to my own expectations of fidelity?

Why am I under the impression that I can't have a real conversation with anyone, instead thinking that only writing can take the pain of dishonesty away...all while NEVER WRITING A GODDAMN WORD ANYWHERE and living with pulsating self-hatred on top of everything else?

What is up with exes, and why won't they just go away so I don't have to think about them anymore?

Why am I obsessed with the "anxiety of influence" lately, and what does it mean for the female American celebrity?

What does it mean for my future that I still know all the lyrics to the original Spider-Man theme song?

How does anyone manage to have working romantic relationships that are based completely on mutual trust and respect?

How does anyone manage to trust anyone?

Why am I so obsessed with milkshakes lately? Is it because I'm on "milkshake probation" and I just want what I can't have? Am I really that transparent?

Does anyone actually have a good relationship with their parents, or is my relationship with my parents just so fucked that I can't imagine anyone functioning properly?

Why can't I write a REAL GODDAMN POST FOR ONCE?

Am I completely psychotic for wanting to participate in NaNoWriMo this year?

Bad Habits

I coloured my hair again. I wasn't going to for a while, because my hair was so damaged last time I did it - we had to bleach it THREE TIMES to get any change in it at all. But then I got a haircut and the bit of hair I had left was healthy enough for me to take the plunge again. I was going for a kind of ombre look last time, where the natural colour of my hair (a super-dark ebony) faded into a shade of brown three or four shades lighter at the ends. For some reason it didn't turn out at all in the back last time I tried it, but this time...yeah. It turned out. I mean, it wasn't as subtle as I envisioned it, but I kind of love the shocking blonde-ness of it anyway. I've wanted to colour my hair in a way that is (in my words) "Milla Jovovich in Fifth Element - totally unnatural but complimentary" for a while. Maybe this isn't as out-there as Orange Highlighter, but some of us have to function in regular society and occasionally put in hours at a Law Firm.



In other news, I'm updating a ton of videos to my Vimeo account from various events in the few months (Summerfest, New Orleans, and Puerto Rico, as well as some random Nights Out) - I'll put some of them up here when they're ready for public consumption.

Facebook Reveals All

Devon: republicans are trying to make it so nothing gets done and then they can blame the inaction on the democrats
thats it, im moving to motherfucking mexico

Me: mexico, eeewwww

Devon: better than this stagnating shitfuck

Me: let's go to monaco
that way we can just like lay around on the beach and not pay taxes and drink all day

Devon: yessss

Me: our only expenses will be firefly vodka and prosciutto

Devon: hahahahahaha yesssss

Me: and clothes and shoes
and smokes
and internet
BUT THAT'S IT

Devon: and suntan lotion
and bentleys
and french bulldogs
and one pet chinchilla

Me: hahahahahaha
one french bulldog and one chinchilla
absolutely

I know, it sounds frivolous. He's right, though: I would need Bentleys. And a chinchilla. I mean, what's the point of living otherwise, right?

Maybe.

(via Barz Art)

Look, I...appreciate what you're trying to do here

NO I DO NOT APPRECIATE IT (I hope you die)

First World Problems

I dropped my Blackberry at the bar on Saturday and the trackball fell out. I was going to call T-Mobile today to get a replacement sent to my house (I've been paying for insurance on this phone for like two years now so I'm pretty sure it would be free...or something), but yesterday someone told me about this phone repair shop that replaces trackballs! Of course, the fee for replacing the trackball is greater than the fee to get the whole phone replaced, but there's a lot of information on my phone that I don't want to lose: appointments, text messages, notes to self (lately I've been working on a series of notes called "Restaurants" wherein I compare the various restaurants I want to try and the ones I HAVE tried), etcetera. And that information, plus the opportunity cost of having to put in all that information again, is worth about the $50 it will cost me to repair the phone rather than having it replaced outright. Does any of that make sense? Okay.

RELATED: At that same event on Saturday, a random dude cornered me in the men's bathroom line (I can't remember why I was there) and told me that the guys I was with couldn't possibly appreciate how awesome I am - which, of course, begs the question: How could he appreciate how awesome I am? At this point, all he was actually appreciating was the shape of my ass, which...yes, as a matter of fact, I can turn any compliment around and stab you in the face with it, why?
ANYWAY, instead of going with the usual "I don't give out my phone number because YOU MEN CAN'T BE TRUSTED with that information" or the slightly less common "I have a boyfriend" (I prefer to let guys think it's not my unavailability, but rather my being completely repulsed by them, that's keeping us apart), I told him: "Look me up on my website instead! WWW.NEUTICLES.COM" And yes, I had to spell it out for him. God I'm so excited about that, I wish I could be there when he checks to find out all about Neuticles. NEW POLICY: ALWAYS GIVE THEM THE NEUTICLES.

In other news, February is over, and thus, so is my commitment to NaBloPoMo. I think I'll take March off (though I will still post occasionally this month, don't worry), since this is the month of Spring Break and...yeah. I don't really intend on being around a computer that much (we'll see how that plays out...honestly I think it could go either way).
Hey! It's MARCH. 12 more days until Spring Break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Famous Last Words

So today was my cousin's bridal shower...I seriously resisted going because it was an hour's drive away, but mostly because one thing that ALWAYS happens at bridal showers is someone gets me in a corner and goes, "so when are you getting married?" And I have to stare back at them with that baleful Avowed-Single-Girl-Eye and go, "umm...?" UNCOMFORTABLE. Ugh...I'm too young for this shit.

But I went. And of course the whole marriage bit came up (because hens only have so much to cluck about, apparently), and it was all I could do to choke back the bitchiest answer I could possibly have come up with (that answer being: "I'd rather die alone than marry your son and become your relative"). Good thing the next person in line after me is my younger cousin, and he's got a long way to go before anyone sees him as "marriage material", so there's that.

Now I just have to survive her wedding.

YAY WORLD

It is not very often that my optimism charge gets a boost these days, especially since there have been earthquakes all around the world AND in Oklahoma all week and
1. OKLAHOMA,
2. ALL WEEK, and
3. Why was I not notified?
However, I need to thank someone for doing me just that favor: Johnny Weir gave me a hug with words, by recently saying the following (in response to commentators saying he wasn't enough of a man, apparently!):

"There's a whole generation of people that aren't defined by their sex or their race or by who they like to sleep with. I think as a person you know what your values are and what you believe in, and I think that's the most important thing."
- Johnny Weir

Man, it really seems like it's always the gays doing something great for the world and straight people FUCKING IT UP AGAIN. I mean, I know that's unfair, but when was the last time some prominent gay guy called someone a "retard" or took away someone else's civil rights? Maybe it's because they see all the other downtrodden folks as members of their extended Family of Misery, but if that were it, women would be able to shut the fuck up occasionally too. But no: Ask Ann Coulter, or Sarah Palin, or Dina Lohan, or all the other dumb bitches in the universe who are consistently failing to Just Leave it Alone. LEAVE IT ALONE. LEAVE EVERYONE ALONE. This should not be a difficulty, and yet...it remains so.

Also: Thanks, Fug Girls, for showing me that quote.

"hellscape of the mind"

I know I've been talking about Videogum a lot lately, but FUCK IT. I can't be bothered to have original thoughts anymore.

During his review of Armageddon (which is part of a series where he searches for the Worst Movie of All Time), Gabe - Videogum's intrepid editor - wrote the following paragraph:

If anything, I wish we could go back to that blessed time when the things that scared us were asteroids and volcano eruptions. Now it's all Total Apocalypse and Zombie Bioterrorism and even though those movies are just as cliche-filled and computer-generated, I find them legitimately terrifying and believable. We live in a world of chaos and potential annihilation. And if it does happen, it will be even worse than a thousand Michael Bay movies. But it will probably be much quicker.

You know, I feel like the current mental state in this country is pretty similar to the way it was in the 80s when the interest rate was at 15% and everyone was convinced we were all going to die in a Nuclear Holocaust, and it was only a matter of time until our money was better for burning than spending AND/OR we all turned to ash or died slow, painful, humiliating deaths by radiation poisoning. Every time I'm reminded of it, I'm struck by how that sounds like a pretty epic hellscape of the mind, which is without even mentioning the fact that everyone was simultaneously under this immense pressure to do cocaine and wear Polo shirts.

I learned recently that before government regulation, the US economy went Boom-Bust every other year or so. Can you imagine that? Of course, that was in the 19th century so the people also had a host of other problems, such as rancid meat and BEING EATEN ALIVE BY RATS, etcetera. But anyway, my point in bringing this up is, now that we've reached a kind of regulatory process that works (most of the time) fiscally, we now need a regulatory process that keeps us from having a collective existential crisis every 20 years. I just think it would be better that way. I nominate Soma, of course.

There's a clothing boutique in the Rice Village called "Soma". I think it's actually one of two or three Somas in the city...I wonder if they realize how fucked up that is. I mean, either the founder of the store:

1. read "Brave New World"
2. is extremely clever, and
3. is making a joke that I don't get, or:

1. they read the book, and
2. didn't understand it, and so are
3. just making a pointless reference to Huxley. OR
4. just using the word "soma" for some other, completely unrelated, reason.

Given my own personal (constant, ever-raging) existential crisis, I suppose it should be obvious that I assume it's the latter. When the Zombie Bioterrorism Total Apocalypse is upon us, I guess I can only hope it's quick.

I love LARPers.

You know what? Fine. Far be it from me to deny them an activity that makes them feel like they are contributing to something worthwhile...as completely silly as that "something" no doubt is, and as absolutely laughable as the "worthwhile" adjective is, too.


"Die, Sky bitch!"

Thoughts:
1. I am not a huge AVATAR fan but even I know that there is more to being Na'vi than shoving plastic flowers in the ground and shooting arrows at a depressing naked mannequin that you stole out of a dumpster behind Macy's.
2. The leader guy looks like Tobias Funke when he decided he wanted to be a part of Blue Man Group.
3. At least they're not kidnapping me and forcing me to re-enact their high school's Prom in their mom's basement (anymore).

And...now I'm not even sure if this is for real. The production value on this is way too high. But then they have a GMAIL ADDRESS so you know it's legitimate.

Let's all go to theatres and see this film!

Looks hilarious, and I really appreciate how they didn't even hint at the obvious plot twist: Sandra and Scary Bill Nye eventually fall in love...when neither of them is using the love potion!

Oh, and synthesizing methylated alkaloids is overrated.

Oh, WEBKINZ

me: i have everyone's christmas presents
i was sort of toying with mailing them
and then i was like WHO AM I KIDDING
they're going to be Spring Equinox gifts, i guess

Lauren: haha cool

me: i wish i could just upload presents
and email them to people

Lauren: haha
you could start buying virtual gifts

me: like webkinz?!?!?!?!!

Lauren: YEAH

me: hahah well i haven't bought john's gift yet
so maybe he's just going to get webkinz credits or however the fuck you deal with those

Lauren: what are webkinz?

Well, THAT went well.

This weekend was a rager, folks. In so many ways. I am, however, glad it was so, more than glad - it's a nice momentum to have when I'm perched on the edge of YET ANOTHER semester of "no, I'm not doing anything new, just...class" (significant eye roll meant to convey: "SCHOOL IS BORING").

Okay, off to shower, primp, and mingle with family. Wish me luck.

Almost, Almost, Almost...

American society is all fucked up. Can we agree on that? Good. And part of the reason it's all fucked up is that everyone (or at least the great majority of people) thinks that they should be a celebrity, or that they are owed celebrity status, right? Right. The etymology of that word - celebrity - is pretty obvious, I think. Celebrities are people who should be celebrated, and the culture of raising children with adequate self-esteem in this country has led us all to believe that we are all special snowflakes, worthy of everyone's consideration, and - eventually - their celebration.

I don't think everyone should be widely celebrated. Do I think everyone should be loved? Sure, sort of. But mostly I think most people should earn a living doing something they chose so they can appropriately support their families. Maybe that sounds cynical, but it's really not. We (and I speak pretty much for the middle class here) should take pleasure in the little things to which we all have access: friends, food, music, books. I think we should be happy with the lives which we carve out for ourselves with our own work and wit, and take pride in earning what is ours. Besides equal opportunity, I don't think most people are owed anything. Thus, I find most people fucking irritating.

You may have seen my Twitter update from the other day (I can't bring myself to say "tweet" anymore, it just seems so frivolous...fittingly so, I'm sure, but still) about young people who refer to themselves as "local celebrities". I'm pretty sure the concept of "local celebrity" can only apply to places that are really small. When you start to think that people all over Houston can recognize your name, I feel the danger of psychosis is imminent. Nobody recognizes your name aside from the 100 or so people in your immediate family, the circle you hung out with in high school, your college roommate, and your girlfriend (God help her). So, you're either an actual celebrity, or you're just a regular person. And this is where my plan to start rehabilitating American society comes in! Remember at the beginning when we agreed that everyone is fucked for life? There's something you - yes, YOU! - can do to help! Here's what you do. It's as easy as 1-2-3!

1. Embrace your regularness! Are you just a regular person? Yeah. But that's okay! It can be FUN to be regular.
2. Exceed expectations at being normal! What do "normals" do? Probably a lot of the same things that YOU do! Why? Because you are a normal. Can you think of a normal thing that you do?

Yes! You like Starbucks! That's a good start. Now

3. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE.

Are you gone yet? Yes? Whew.

New Year, New Hair, New Me

Lately I've been feeling SUPER BORED with my hair. This comes over me once every three months or so - usually I get a new hairstyle or buy a ton of products or styling tools (you've seen my bathroom; you know I'm a slut for new products or tools), but this time the urge was stronger. I was about two minutes away from chopping it all off and going back to the old style I had when I lived in Seattle...

(My colorist has also gone through the "boy hair" thing and said she enjoyed it. We confirmed that you attract an altogether different kind of guy with short hair...eventually we decided that by "different" we meant "more open-minded")

But I've been growing my hair out for YEARS now, and to cut it all off kind of seems like I'd be negating all that "hard work" (even if I actually did literally nothing). But that short cut and the blonde have long since grown out - that picture was taken in the summer of 2006. So I decided to dye it again. This entry is boring me already so I'll just post the picture and get out of here.

Et voila.

The 50 Best Inventions of the Year (according to Time) (interpreted by my Id)

1. A Flexible Path Through Space. Flybys and orbits of multiple destinations could replace landings on the moon or Mars. Wait, flybys, what? Moon? I hate this already. Chocolate.

2. The Tank-Bred Tuna. SUUUUUSHIIIIII

3. The $10 Million Lightbulb. The LED bulb emits the same amount of light as its incandescent equivalent but uses less than 10 watts and lasts for 25,000 hours - or 25 times as long. What is the practical application of this - what's that over there?

4. The Smart Thermostat. A little device, with a screen, that can talk wirelessly to your various appliances and let you know how much electricity (or gas) each one is using and how much it's costing you. If this thing isn't for keeping your house above 78 degrees at all times I'm not fucking interested. Next.

5. Controller-Free Gaming. YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE NINTENDO wait not that kind of control? Well what the fuck then?

6. Teleportation. Scientists successfully teleported data from one atom to another in a container a meter away. SPACE OUTER SPACE not outer space? Next.

7. The Telescope for Invisible Stars. Herschel scans the skies in the infrared spectrum to reveal stars which were previously invisible due to extremely low temperatures in space. Shiny pictures.

8. The AIDS Vaccine. The vaccine is not approved for use yet, but it's the first to make any headway against HIV, and that's a start. CURE IT OR GTFO BITCHEZZZ

9. Tweeting by Thinking. Justin Williams focused his attention on one flashing letter after another on a computer screen while wearing a cap outfitted with electrodes that monitored changes in his brain activity to figure out which character he wanted. A NEW WAY TO EXPEND LESS PHYSICAL ENERGY WHILE CREATING MORE MEANINGLESS OUTPUT SIGN ME THE FUCK UP

10. The Electric Eye. The chip, which is encased in titanium to prevent water damage, will be implanted onto a patient's eyeball. The patient will then wear a pair of eyeglasses equipped with a tiny camera that transmits images directly to the chip, which in turn sends them to the brain. Gross.

11. The Mercury Probe. You should send a PROBE TO URANUS INSTEAD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BUTTS.

12. The Personal Carbon Footprint. Rich nations (like the US) need to make the first cuts, but they won't until developing nations (like China) do - and vice versa. Researcher suggest working on the individual level instead. But, but, I NEED to hear the tap rushing all night while I'm asleep. It's like the ocean.

13. The Solar Shingle. Sounds like a space disease.

14. The Handheld Ultrasound. It looks like a Nintendo DS. Does it come in pink?

15. The YikeBike. A folding electric bike which weighs roughly 20 lbs and runs on a lithium phosphate battery that can be charged to 80% capacity in 20 minutes. Why YIKE bike? Because it rhymes? I'm hungry. Or tired. Aaaaand now I'm bored.

16. Vertical Farming. If I can't do this on Facebook I don't want to know.

17. The Planetary Skin. Gross.

18. The $20 Knee. The JaipurKnee comprises five pieces of plastic and four nuts and bolts. it requires no special tools and takes just a few hours to manufacture. I hope it comes with a pair of pants, lolololol.

19. A watchdog for Financial Products. The goal: to make sure that financial products aren't rigged in favor of the firms selling them and that ordinary people have a shot at wading through complicated contracts and fee structures to really understand what they're getting themselves into. Moneys. I wants some. DADDYYY!!!!

20. The Electric Microbe. Gross.

21. The Bladeless Fan. Magic. Science. Chocolate.

22. The Custom Puppy. In 2007, BioArts delivered puppies to five customers who paid an average of $144,000 for copies of their canines. They paid HOW MUCH

23. The Cyborg Beetle. Gross.

24. The Biotech Stradivarius. Pretty sounds. Pretty.

25. The Nissan Leaf. The first fully electric vehicle built for mass production for the global market. THE LEAF IS THE CUTEST NAME FOR A CAR EVER I NEED ONE NOW

26. The Robo-Penguin. Aaaaawwwwwww...Penguin.

27. The Universal Unicycle. But I already HAVE an office chair.

28. YouTube Funk. I want to DAAAANCE

29. Dandelion Rubber. That's what she said!

30. Wooden Bones. Because of the sponginess of the wood, live bones are expected to grow into the structure faster than with traditional titanium or ceramic implants, decreasing the time it takes to mend a broken bone. That is also what she said.

31. The Living Wall. Tell your mom I said hi.

32. The School of One. It's learning for the Xbox generation. LEarning? NOOOOOOOOO

33. The No-Punt Offense. Ya lost me.

34. The Human-Powered Vending Machine. Gross.

35. The Handyman's X-Ray Vision. GROSS.

36. Meat Farms. GROSS.

37. Packing, Improved. The researcher and his team developed an algorithm that broke the record for fitting a given number of different size discs into the smallest circle. The algorithm improves on its competitors in that it's better at detecting false starts and backtracking when it hits on an inelegant configuration. The picture of this thing is so goddamn boring I just entered a coma.

38. The Foldable Speaker. I'm tired. I need a nap.

39. The Levitating Mouse. According to the scientists who conducted the experiment, the weightless mice were initially confused and flung themselves into rapid spins. The scientists sedated the rodents, which helped, but said eventually even fully conscious mice were able to acclimate to the weightless conditions enough to eat and drink normally. AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW

40. The Edible Race Car. 10 more to go and then I can have something to eat.

41. The High-Speed Helicopter. 9 more.

42. The Supersuit. The suit makes that man look like a Ken doll.

43. The Eyeborg. Rob Spence is attempting to replace his prosthetic eye with a battery-powered, wireless video camera, thereby making himself into an "Eyeborg," with the power to record exactly what he's looking at as digital video. Gross.

44. Spiderweb Silk. Gross.

45. The Sky King. It set the world record for the longest flight by a paper airplane. 5 more.

46. The Smart Bullet. Boring.

47. The Fashion Robot. It looks like a child. Yikes.

48. The 3-D Camera. I thought we already had these. #49 better be the fucking flying car.

49. The Newest Cloud. GOD DAMMIT

50. The World's Fastest (Steam-Powered) Car. Aw, it's a train.

...And the five worst inventions:

1. The Smile Police: Employees in Japan have their smiles scanned by software to maximize cheeriness. What would happen if it scanned A FROWN?

2. The Jane Austen Monster Mashup Novel. For people with no sense of humor.

3. Snuggies for Dogs. For people who think their dogs love life too much.

4. The Gas-Mask Bra. Actually not such a bad idea. I lived with a guy once you know.

5. Computer Critics. A new standardized test in the UK will use software, not humans, to grade student essays. Hey...being replaced by machines hurts!

This is turning into ThisIsWhyYoureFat.com/blog

Grande nonfat, no whip mocha: $4.03

Dry cleaning (7 pieces): $91.48

Lunch for 2 from Brown Bag Deli: $14.68

RX from Walgreens: $35.00

Running all your "errands" for the day without getting out of your car: Priceless

There are some things in life that require you to exert physical energy. For everything else, there's Being Fat.