Follow Through

HELLO yes I decided am going to post AT LEAST once a month in here (because I realized I at the last minute that I can actually follow through on this). I am mentally empty right now but I'm going to make a post about something god dammit! Uhhh school school school. I haven't gotten a haircut in a YEAR because I've been caught up in school and work and life. I need a haircut. So badly. Ugh. But all I can do is obsess about accounting because I am soooo so bad at it. I mean, all my life (until high school) I was a straight A student except in math. Starting freshman year I got 89s in every math class I ever took and it's been DRIVING ME MAD. And of allll the subjects I was alright at, and the few that I was good at, and the ONE subject I was REALLY good at...I chose to get a master's degree in what has amounted to MATH. Fucking hell. My life is hell. I mean...yes, it's hell, but not in a way where I actively fantasize about ending it all, so that's good.

I'm going to strive to name...
FIVE Other things that are good:
- Boyf
- Baby Elephants
- Naps
- Cute Underpants
- Carbs

There. I did it. Wasn't much of a stretch, I'll admit it, but maybe I can do 5 good things every month? I'm dubious about that part because I'm such a curmudgeon but I think I can at least post. Okay. Let's do it. POST POST POST POST POST

Can You Feel The Love Tonight

When you become frustrated because Twitter can no longer contain your sentiments, it's time to go back to blogging.

And when it's time to go back to blogging, it's time to go back to blogging about your boyfriend because he is the only person who can stand to talk to you.

And when it's time to go back to blogging about your boyfriend, it's time to talk about poop.

Me: this fucker. he's clearly out to get me
Devon: hes clearly a fuckin dingleberry
Me: HAHAHAHA
       dingleberry

In other news, we are now in Season 2 of The X-Files. It's getting really good now - Scully was abducted by aliens! Maybe. And then she turned up but she was in a coma! But then she woke up and Mulder was like SCULLY!!!! (hearts in his eyes) and it was heartbreaking. The Cigarette Smoking Man may have had something to do with it. There's definitely a conspiracy (mumble mumble) and the government. ANYWAY. I have also started watching Parks and Recreation again because apparently I have been missing out since I bailed in Season 2. So there's that.

Yesterday I went for an uncharacteristically booze-tastic brunch and did myself in. There were bottomless mimosas and we took SHOTS OF TEQUILA. MULTIPLE SHOTS. It was bad. And then I lost some time (read: was abducted by aliens, suffered a dissociative fugue state, blacked out because I did shots of tequila on a relatively empty stomach) and the next thing I remember is drinking a glass of wine in Sugarland, 6 hours later. There are even some unanswered texts in my phone from that time period like "Priya? Where are you guys? Is everything okay?" Truly disturbing. Actually, what was disturbing was the hangover I experienced this morning/afternoon. So far I have: opened and quickly closed (while chuckling ruefully) a finance textbook, gotten some coffee, and watched the season 2 finale of Downton Abbey. I'm very sore at the notion that we were SO CLOSE to a Father of the Bride 2 situation and it had to be averted in such a tragic way. Sigh. Downton. William. Mary. OMG DO WILLIAM AND MARY GET MARRIED AND FOUND WILLIAM AND MARY COLLEGE? In AMERICA?!?

I do actually do things besides drink and watch TV but you would really never be able to tell. For example, I do laundry (not in the last 3 weeks but, you know, sometimes), eat chocolates, and chat on the internet to my friends about their boy problems. I'mmmm every woman!

I'm stuck!

WOMAN.

You're Really Listening!

Last weekend, Boyf made a new friend at the bar. They shared a very niche interest. I thought, "Boyf has just been mourning a lack of dude bros for him to hang out with!" (Boyf's three main dude bros are away at school or just too committed to living like an adult to come hang out at all hours of the evening and morning.) "This might be good for him!" And then I forgot all about it. Today we had this conversation:

Me: are you ever going to invite that guy out for DRINX?

Boyf: hahaha wellll i didn't get his # or last name

Me: oh okay i thought you guys must have exchanged info

      MEN

Boyf: hahahahaha i know

Me: girls would definitely have exchanged info

      like two seconds into the interaction

Boyf: shit, buy that point yall wouldve already traded moisturizer recommendations

Ladies, we're always complaining about how men don't understand us and it's to everyone's detriment that they'll never have the proper abilities to do so. Don't get me wrong, in pretty much 99.99% of instances, I am on that boat with bells on. However...isn't it a little creepy when they have insights like this? 

I mean, creepy in a completely fulfilling, delightful, You're Really Listening kind of way, of course!

Dating Advice From a Sex Worker

No, not me, you assholes! HER.

Anyway:

Complain about being fat. Seriously, men love reassuring women that they’re not fat. He may roll his eyes, but a man can tell you not to lose that booty, that you’re crazy, and that your thighs are juicy and he’ll feel as good about himself as he would after volunteering in a soup kitchen all day.

If you’re anorexic, sickly, or morbidly obese and this is not feasible, choose something else for him to reassure you over that is completely inconsequential. Act embarrassed about a broken nail or an invisible bruise. Don’t point out anything legitimate like your cystic acne. Start off all incredulous-like when he says that he still finds you attractive with only nine acrylics. Let him slowly convince you that you’re a beautiful woman. He’ll tell you all about how he doesn’t want those airbrushed models in the magazines with the ten nails that all look the same. Your relationship is only getting stronger.

That bit about "those airbrushed models in the magazines with the ten nails that all look the same" was my favourite. NAILS ARE OVERRATED. But I'm addicted to manicures anyway.

Go on and...

One Thing I Love

is that my conversations with Devon more often than not can be just boiled down into the difference between men and women. See for yourself:

Devon: hahaha wow, i just got a groupon for half off a 24K gold collagen mask, shampoo and style, and 30-minute massage
does gold make it better?

me: hahahahahahaha NO
i mean
yes
but not really

And just earlier today we were talking about what makes lip gloss and lipstick different. Is this (SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! MAKEUP! SHOES! THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SILK AND SATIN!!!) how he feels when I attempt to understand about engine components?

GHOST WRITER

me: I WANT TO SEE GHOST WRITER TONIGHT (you all may remember from my tweets the other night that we kept having to restart Ghost Writer because we were distracted by involved side-commentary on the economic activities of the European Union...anyway we gave up at 1:30AM because it was a school night and we had only made it about 30 minutes into the movie)

Devon: well thats TOO BAD cuz its st pattys day and me 1/8th irish and i are going to get fucking drizzunk

me: mannnnnnnnn FINE
what are you going to do?

Devon: i dunno, but its gonna be with you, baby

me: haha oh, i mean, MY plan is to tie a rope to the back of your pants and yank it any time you wander into something dangerous or do something i don't like

Devon: hmmmm something tells me im gonna get yanked a lot

Continued Conversation

Devon: "If we had to do a murder/suicide thing, which one of us would do the murder?"

Me: "I would, obviously; you wouldn't have the guts!"

Devon (musing aloud): "Yeah, and you would be fulfilling your lifelong dream of committing a murder."

10 Things Women Think When They See You Naked For The First Time (In No Particular Order) (This is by no means a complete list)

1. Well then.

2. Hey!

3. No way.

4. That's nice.

5. That's different.

6. How does this rank?...

7. ...Fuck it.

8. I hope this guy doesn't a drug habit. What was that sound? Does he have a secret roommate? I hope his secret roommate doesn't do drugs. Can they hear me? CAN THEY SEE ME shut up, self.

9. Huh?

10. Huh!

This is how I love

(courtesy of Hark! A Vagrant, a comic you should read FREQUENTLY)

OKAY! SO!

So it's been a while. Because I broke my laptop (it overheated lots of times in a row, go figure) and somehow typing these posts on my parents' desktop PC just didn't feel right. The good news is I got a new laptop.

The bad news is I AM STILL JUST AS MIND-NUMBING AS EVER!

Yesterday I started my senior year of college. All summer I felt pretty calm about it, but the more I think about how close I am to the finish line, the more excited I get. I'm a geek. This semester I'm taking Dante (with a fave professor), Abnormal Psychology (which I already know will be hilarious - Excuse me, Professor? When are we going to learn how to diagnose Autism? Just kidding, all my friends are case studies so I'm pretty much an expert, no big deal), Irish Literature (I have to take an English elective and my other favourite prof is teaching this one, so...hell yeah), and some bullshit for my Finance minor. UGH. Next semester promises to be even more fun - this is my last Finance requirement, so basically it's going to be my thesis, Spanish II (after taking it for 7 years in middle school, high school, and my first college), and two other electives.

Being a senior is pretty much going to rule, except for the small, nagging fact that I'm all slated to take the GMAT this semester. So that means studying, prep courses, Pepto Bismol, and lots and lots of questioning my chosen path in life.

So what did you miss while I was a Luddite? Not much, since I was on Twitter like crazy, but:

This summer was pretty much one of the most darkly, emotionally turbulent periods of my life, for reasons I can't/won't go into here, but I have to say that I feel I've come out of the forest now. I have a great boyfriend who is just what I need and pretty much always what I want. My parents and I seem to have quietly reached a shared mantra ("Stay Calm"). My best friends are all happy - even Marion! I got an awesome haircut a couple days ago that looks just as good messy as it does all done up. Oh, and...I turned 24 in July, so stay tuned for when my elderly old bones crumble into dust and blow away in the wind. I don't think you'll wait long - we are, after all, in the throes of hurricane season.

The most pervasive feeling I have tonight, though, is that of optimism. I feel as though I am on the brink of a psychological breakthrough, something that will really, truly make me feel Grown Up, or at least...less of a constant, tossing mess. I wonder what it will be.

Follow-Up (UPDATED!)

Hey guys! A couple of weeks ago, I asked you to participate in a poll regarding how I should respond to a certain "X" who wanted to initiate a friendship with eyes towards marriage in 1 or 2 years. I tallied up the FOUR VOTES and the most common response was "Thanks but no thanks" so I wrote and sent the following just now:

Hello,

Again, I am not available for (or interested in) an arrangement like the one you're proposing.

Thank you for your interest,
-Priya

PS. If you were really that interested in my Twitter account to begin with, you would have remembered my handle in the first place. Good luck.

I'll keep you updated as to any responses I receive, but I hope there won't be much to report.

UPDATE!
X wrote back. Twice. And here's what he said:

Hello,

That's o.k. I am new to twitter. I don't know how to use it that well. I'm too busy to find time to understand how to use it. I found you through ur blog while looking some one else up. I was just kidding. I havent even seen ur pic.

Thanks anyway and bye,
X

Followed quickly by this:

Hello,

I still think its kind of rude on ur part to not even give room for friendship,

X

MEE-OW! Seriously though, what would be the point of such a venture? Let's be friends! Based on...nothing! For...no reason! I have enough trouble managing the friends I do have without adding some monstrous relationshippy joke to the mix. THANKS FOR THE OPPORTUNITY, THOUGH!

FairlyAlarmed INTERACTIVE!

I've made tons of jokes about suitors and Bio-Data (it's kind of like a resume of your accomplishments and attributes that you put on the internet - it's kind of like online dating but with the express intent of getting married to a fellow Indian Person instead of just "seeing where it goes"), so everyone knows I think it's bullshit, and I've also expressly forbidden my parents from putting my information on the internet in hopes that I will "find a mate" via the World Wide Web. But who knew I've been in the process of creating my own Bio-Data this whole time?

Hi Priya,

I found you on twitter the other day. I Just got back to India from Houston. I was working for AT&T there. I was in the US for 6 years. I first got an MBA at L University. Then worked for a couple of years as a [redacted] and then as [redacted] for [a company] there. Currently I am in [Indian city] working as a Manager for a small startup company. The following is my facebook profile: [link redacted]

I am 27 years old and plan on getting married soon. I am looking for someone with a similar profile to me preferably in Houston. If you are interested we could chat further. I plan on coming back to US sometime next year.

Thanks and Regards,
X

So I just stared at that in shock for a couple hours, and finally crafted this response:

Hi X,

Thanks for your interest, but I am not available at this time.

Best of luck,
-Priya

I mean...I didn't want to let loose on this guy like AND WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU IS ANYWAY because he would have no idea what I was talking about and I would be the psycho in that situation, not him. Wow. So much to say. But this is the risk you take when you message someone with an online blog thingy, guys - she may publish anything you send her. And she may not be as kind as I was with the redactions.

UPDATE!

Hi Priya,
I am in no hurry. I am looking at the next 1-2 yrs maybe. Lets just be friends. Who knows what could happen in the 1-2 yrs :).

Regards,
X

So now I'm thinking...how should I respond? And that's where you guys come in!

How do I answer this?

And oh my god, he just wrote me AGAIN.

hi Priya,

What is ur twitter Id?? I forgot it.

X

Oh you have GOT to be kidding me. Are you EVEN TRYING?! Okay guys, I already know what I want to do, but I already went through the trouble of hacking this damn poll so go ahead and vote to your heart's content! And I shall faithfully follow through.

Oh boy, X, I HOPE YOU'RE IN FOR IT!

Nerd Boyfriend is CORRECT SIR

You guys! Check out nerdboyfriend.com! It shows you where to get all these great, crushworthy nerd outfits, coupled with great, crushworthy nerds wearing them.

Like this:

Adrift

Do you ever consider the possibility that Love is only an evolutionary measure to keep us from going berserk and jumping off a cliff en masse (like the Disney myth about lemmings) or tearing each other limb from limb for sport (like the real-life evil doings of lions, chimps, dolphins) - something to keep our species from overthinking just how terrible everything is and eventually dying out? Sociopaths are "abnormal" because they're outliers, unusual, but maybe they're also our baseline - could it be that to have a normal psycho-whatever landscape is to have the Love Hormones in addition?

It's nothing special to fall in love. You do the sexual calculus every day: Strong jaw, thin waist = virile, fertile. The only thing that drives us to stay together is you eventually settle on someone who can function in society with you. You earn the same amount of money, or you're the same race, or you have the same friends, or whatever other excuses we give ourselves. Why promise to stay with anyone, though? One day, I will definitely grow old and die and so will he. Maybe he'll even die first and then I'll have to wander the earth alone...alone and OLD. By MYSELF.

And furthermore: Do you ever get the feeling that all your supposedly spontaneous gestures of deep, abiding affection - brushing your loved one's hair behind his ear when he needs a haircut, kissing the back of her neck when she sleeps beside you - are just things you saw in a movie (and then deployed in your real life, hoping he or she wouldn't notice/remember)? They say that there are only seven stories: every thing you've seen or heard or experienced at all is just a variation on those original themes (really think about the last five movies you saw and try to argue with me on that one). Do we all just say that we've fallen in love because we're supposed to after dating (having sex) for a certain amount of time?
Could it be that "love" really is the concept of always having someone around to catch the bugs you can't, to make you look less gay at work functions, or to tell you you're about to step in something? (Mad love, 30 Rock)

And is it really so bad to believe that Love is the word for someone who you don't want to repeatedly stab through the brain with a fork, and then hang their corpse in front of your house as a warning to others?

First World Problems

I dropped my Blackberry at the bar on Saturday and the trackball fell out. I was going to call T-Mobile today to get a replacement sent to my house (I've been paying for insurance on this phone for like two years now so I'm pretty sure it would be free...or something), but yesterday someone told me about this phone repair shop that replaces trackballs! Of course, the fee for replacing the trackball is greater than the fee to get the whole phone replaced, but there's a lot of information on my phone that I don't want to lose: appointments, text messages, notes to self (lately I've been working on a series of notes called "Restaurants" wherein I compare the various restaurants I want to try and the ones I HAVE tried), etcetera. And that information, plus the opportunity cost of having to put in all that information again, is worth about the $50 it will cost me to repair the phone rather than having it replaced outright. Does any of that make sense? Okay.

RELATED: At that same event on Saturday, a random dude cornered me in the men's bathroom line (I can't remember why I was there) and told me that the guys I was with couldn't possibly appreciate how awesome I am - which, of course, begs the question: How could he appreciate how awesome I am? At this point, all he was actually appreciating was the shape of my ass, which...yes, as a matter of fact, I can turn any compliment around and stab you in the face with it, why?
ANYWAY, instead of going with the usual "I don't give out my phone number because YOU MEN CAN'T BE TRUSTED with that information" or the slightly less common "I have a boyfriend" (I prefer to let guys think it's not my unavailability, but rather my being completely repulsed by them, that's keeping us apart), I told him: "Look me up on my website instead! WWW.NEUTICLES.COM" And yes, I had to spell it out for him. God I'm so excited about that, I wish I could be there when he checks to find out all about Neuticles. NEW POLICY: ALWAYS GIVE THEM THE NEUTICLES.

In other news, February is over, and thus, so is my commitment to NaBloPoMo. I think I'll take March off (though I will still post occasionally this month, don't worry), since this is the month of Spring Break and...yeah. I don't really intend on being around a computer that much (we'll see how that plays out...honestly I think it could go either way).
Hey! It's MARCH. 12 more days until Spring Break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Priya's Top Ten Rules For Making a Mix CD

1. Start off with a bang.

2. Now turn it to 11.

3. Back down a step.

4. Get serious.

5. Get sentimental.

6. But I always try to retain a sense of humor about just how sentimental I'm being. Throw in KC and Jojo if all else fails.

7. Make Track 7 special. This is always, without fail, my thesis statement.

8. Expose them to something I think they'd never have heard without me.

9. If the mix is primarily fast songs at this point, slow it down. If it's slow, speed it up.

10. Make a strong closing statement. If I had two thesis songs and couldn't decide, this is the place for the one that isn't Track 7. Or I might throw on a slow one and let the lyrics stand for themselves.

Et voila.
Bonus Step:
11: Enjoy the glow of gratitude and the satisfaction of a job well done.

untitled

I see the world
It makes me puke
But then I look at you and know
That somewhere

there’s a someone


who can soothe me