Hey guys! Kyle made a survey, and then I answered the questions. Feel free to answer them yourself and post them on the internetz! You know in High Fidelity, how Rob briefly describes how he, Dick, and Barry discussed that the important stuff is what you like, not what you are like? And then Barry actually went and typed up a survey and gave it to some potential date, like an asshole?
I think this would be my survey. It's got everything: drama, pathos, a thinly veiled and seemingly jokey inquiry into your last sexual conquest...what else is there to know about a person, really?
ANYWAY, mai ansirz. Let meh sho u them.
1. What did you have for breakfast five days ago (If you didn't eat breakfast five days ago please instead substitute what you ate five breakfasts ago for you answer; if you don't eat breakfast for any reason - be it ideological, religious, or fear-based - please explain further)?
I probably had a Special K bar and half a litre of water.
2. Are you nice?
No, unfortunately. I'm kind of a bad person; I lord my intelligence and wit over those less generously endowed, and use them as excuses to be isolated from others. It's all a ruse to protect my deep-seated insecurities.
3. How many jobs do you currently hold?
I'm a student. Anyone who thinks that's a "job" is being too kind.
4. Take off that stupid-ass hat. That's not a question, just do it.
You should know by now that hats aren't part of what I do.
5. Remember when we used to pass around surveys through email rather than MySpace? Wasn't that great? Isn't instant nostalgia wonderful? Do you have a nostalgic email-based memory you'd like to share? If not, go light up a cigarette and jump to the last few questions, 'cause this isn't working for you at all and I can tell, you're just phoning it in.
I actually never filled in those surveys. I DO, however, have a nostalgic email-based memory I'd like to share. Remember those "You might be a ___ " emails that used to get sent around? I loved those. The one about Indians (You might be an Indian if you have an enormous jug of canola oil under your kitchen counter) or the one about Houstonians (You might be from Houston if you come across a puddle whose bottom you can't see and attempt to drive through it) are two I can recall readily.
6. What's a pet peeve you've never told anyone?
I hate air guitar. So much. As a former Air Guitar Perp myself, I feel guilty about this.
7a. Are you worried about something?
Not particularly. I mean, I'm worried about the future, but it's only in an "intangible sense of doom" kind of way. I'm worried about not having seen all the Cameron Crowe movies. I'm worried about not being a good writer. But I assume all these things will come either to a tidy resolution or one with which I can at least reconcile myself.
7b. Should you get over it?
8. Defend your love for something ridiculous:
I love my electric blue jumpsuit and I don't see why you can't accept that. It's electric fucking blue. It has big 80's shoulders (but not shoulder pads, that's just the way it's cut). It has a high waist (but not so high as to make me look like half a torso on stilts) and a fetchingly deep v-neck. It's very flattering since it manages to be somewhat provocative without being obvious - by showing no cleavage at all, merely sternum. And I wore it with a belt that's motherfucking tizzight.
9. This is the part of the survey that you give us a loosely detailed of what you look like so we can get a decent image of you in our head that we can use while we masturbate in the shower tomorrow morning before work:
This question made me laugh out loud.
10. Is there a God?
In the Judeo-Christian sense, no. But I do believe in some kind of higher power, or greater force, that is by definition unquantifiable through any standards known to man. I believe that this power or force is largely beneficent, but that there's nothing you can do to ingratiate yourself to the power or force. That said, I do think karma exists in some capacity; I just don't know WHAT capacity. Or maybe it lets me sleep better at night to know that I'm trying the best that I can, and other people are trying the best that they can, and that the energy you put out into the world will one day return to you in kind.
Also taken into account: my mom once told me that it doesn't matter what God or gods your friends pray to - just think of them as many different facets of the same force - different names for the same person, different words for the same concept.
11. What's the best album no one's listening to?
I don't know. And if I did I wouldn't tell you. I don't like telling people about underground bands that I love because it makes me sound like a fake-snotty fuckin' hipster. I might be all of those things, but part of that condition is that I don't tell other people about it.
12a. What about your parents (or legal guardians) do you love?
I love that they...um...care so fucking much.
12b. What about them do you hate?
It drives me crazy that they can't divorce their caring from being realistic about anything.
13. Rene Descartes said, "Cogito ergo sum." Can you believe that French ponce, speaking two languages and NEITHER of them being English? Expand on your indignation; extra jingoism and unfounded "patriotic" claims are a plus (5 bonus points for including a drawing of the American flag):
God, I'm pretty sure most Americans don't speak English either.
14. When was the first time you kissed a member of the sex you're currently attracted to?
Long enough ago that I'm pretty sure I'm entering into a third virginity.
15. What do you wish were different in your life?
16. "Fight Club" or "The Matrix?"
Fight Club, what the fuck kind of question is that?
17. When were you last scared out of your mind?
I don't think I've ever been legitimately scared out of my mind; any time I start to get even a little nervous a little piece of my mind breaks off and talks calmly through the whole experience: "don't worry, you'll be fine, just one step in front of the other and soon you'll be done..." and so on. Sometimes it helps for me to say this out loud, which is why I talk when i ski. I'm terrified of skiing anything more difficult than an easy blue, so when I get forced to go on harder runs I just talk myself through it.
18a. What household chore do you hate the most?
18b. Which household chore do you like the most?
Laundry. It's calming to do the sorting and the procedures of it, as well as the final product of a pile of folded, clean, sorted clothes is fulfilling.
19. What's something commonplace that everyone else does that you don't do?
I don't go to bars to meet people. I don't go anywhere to meet people.
20. When was the first time you overcame embarrassment?
21. Who was your last phone call to? Who was the last phone call you received from?
I last spoke to Kyle on the phone!
22. Define "freedom":
Getting to do whatever I want, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else.
23. Where's your favorite place to eat that everyone should know about?
I tend to keep my favourite places to eat under wraps, because I don't like eating in busy restaurants. The service tends to suck when a place gets "discovered".
24. What do you regret?
Not much; I tend to try to live my life in a way that - if I looked back on it at some future date - I wouldn't be able to say that I would have chosen another route.
25. What makes you feel charitable? Why?
When an ambulance comes up behind you and all the traffic splits so it can go by. I dunno, it just speaks to the human capacity for empathy and a sense of urgency on someone else's behalf (even if it is mandated by law) that is comforting.
26. Who was the best Beatle?
Ringo. I feel sorry for him.
27a. Which "Saved By the Bell" cast member could you outduel in a match of wits?
*sigh* Any of them?
27b. Which one would you take on a date to The Max?
It's The Maxx, Kyle. XX.
27c. Which one could you take in a fight (NOTE: Don't say "Slater," because he was the best wrestler at Bayside and he'd whup your punk fuckin' ass, it's a fact, just admit it)?
Zach. He seems like he'd be too much in his own head to fight effectively, and the girls all had those terrifying acrylic nails.
28. Where is Vice President Dick Cheney? Seriously, where is he? He shot that one guy, i guess, and now...now it's like...God, you know...fuckin'...I don't even know. I don't even know, you know? It's crazy. It's totally crazy. God. Seriously though, where is he?
In the Death Star? I believe in the idea that it was blown up in the Star Wars movie as some great conspiracy to make us believe that it didn't exist anymore.
29. How do you make the magic fortune in a fortune cookie come true? Explain your procedure.
Blow on the paper on which your fortune is written, then tear it in half. There's also some stuff about chicken blood in there, but I won't get into it.
30a. What don't you do enough of?
30b. What do you do too much of?
31. Is honesty the best policy?
32. Reality TV: for or against?
I'm against anything even loosely based in reality.
33. No one cares if you drink or smoke. The real question is: Mescaline or Acid?
Mescaline. Acid. I thought they were the same thing. L7!!!!!!!!!!
34. What's your definition of "First Base?" "Second?" "Third?" "Home?"
1st: Kissing. Makeouts?
2nd: Heavy petting, bottoms on.
3rd: Bottoms off.
Home: Butt sex. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
35. What are you getting out of life: what you want, what you earned, or what you deserve?
That's a good question. Right now it's what I want. Hopefully it always will be that way.
36. Chuck Klosterman asked this once in an essay in ESPN: The Magazine, and I paraphrase: If the predominant number of athletes in the National Football League are using performance-enhancing drugs, can it still be considered cheating?
The saving grace of this question is that Chuck Klosterman is involved somehow. The answer is: yes, it can still be considered cheating because it's not the baseline requirement. Au naturale is still the baseline, and I understand that there are some players who manage to keep up without using drugs. As soon as it becomes impossible for a drug-free player to participate, THEN it will not be considered cheating. Right?
37. What's on your desktop of your computer?
38. What do you collect?
39. Best videogame of all time, hands down:
Chaos Island. Look it up.
40a. What was the best thing that happened in elementary school?
Oh my god, nothing good happened to me in elementary school. Seriously, it was 7 straight years of bad haircuts, rejection, second-hand clothing (suspenders were an item on heavy rotation - I'm not even kidding) and embarrassing gestures knocking shit off my desk. I tried to pretend like I was over it, but I couldn't even embrace my freakdom wholeheartedly.
40b. In Middle school / junior high?
See above, though the clothing in these years were just completely nerdy: my jeans were tapered, I wore loafers.
40c. In high school?
See above. The clothing in these years were bordering on "weird" but I hadn't completely raised the freak flag yet.
40d. In College?
See above. The clothing is still bad but at least I've stopped caring.
40e. Oh, come on...seriously, you went to grad school? God...okay, fine. The best thing that happened in grad school. No wait, let me guess...you made a million dollars when you got out, right? Was that your answer, you asskisser? You're terrible.
41a. Ever fired a gun?
41b. At someone?
42. Can you do any superhuman tricks? Like, are you double-jointed and other freakish things of that nature?
No. I'm glad enough to be characterized as just average-human.
43. Describe the perfect birthday:
PRESENTS. PRESENTS. PRESENTS. PRESENTS. I don't even care what the presents are. I just love receiving them. In previous years I would have cited a drunken night on the town, but honestly I would really like to have all my friends in one room, watching movies, conversing, and in general being clever and loving life.
44. Do you want to go to the Moon?
45. There's no way out! It's hopeless! An impossible task is at hand! How are we possibly going to escape?! Save us:
46. Where do we as humans go from here?
Complete annihilation. Humans have evolved as much as they're going to by this point (as is evidenced by the existence of such things as Cirque du Soleil and reality TV), so eventually the world will evolve without us and we will die out. I'm totally fine with this.
47. Aren't you excited that this survey's almost over? Display your feelings in iambic pentameter (if you can't, perhaps you can go in a corner and play with a tiny rubber ball or your PSP, you know, something else that instantly shows the world you have a lower IQ than absolutely everyone you see):
I can't believe I'm almost done.
This survey certainly was fun.
I'm glad you sent it to me, babe.
Here's one good reason you're my fave.
48. Where were you when the Twin Towers fell?
Skipping chapel, my sophomore year of high school.
49. I'm funnier than you. How are you coping with that?
I think I'll manage.
50a. What will you do today that will make it better than yesterday?
Probably smoke a lot of weed and get drizzunk biatch!
50b. It was gay to end on that question, and I'm sorry. I thought it would wrap things up nicely. If you liked it, cool, 'cause that's the end. But if you hated it, here's one last question: If you could kill someone and you knew one hundred percent beyond a shadow of a doubt that you could get away with it, would you do it?
Yeah, that was gay, hence my answer.
I would kill you.
I would want to kill someone political, so I guess I'd kill one of the founders of the Westboro Baptist Church, before they had a chance to create such a hateful and ignorant organization.