Why Does Every Conversation End Like This? (UPDATED!)

Priya
kitchen doesn't need an apostrophe
but "yo" does

Brother
accident

Priya
you're an accident
whoops i wasn't supposed to tell you that
mom and dad didn't plan on having another baby
i was supposed to be an only child

Oh, of course, every conversation with Li'l Bro goes this way because I do feel, in a small corner of my soul, that I was meant to have all the attention, devotion, care of my parents and my brother - by mere fact of his existence - is daily robbing me of my birthright?
And because To Be Born First is another way of saying To Bully. Love it. I SAID LOVE IT STOP CRYING okay okay Jesus Christ I'm sorry. All better? *smack* Sorry sorry sorry! Not really.

But then the conversation continues...

Priya
hahaha
it took me a while to figure out what that last one was
i get it now

Brother
Jesus I'm loathe to think of your initial interpretation

Priya
i thought it was another typo

Brother
You're a typo.
whoops i wasn't supposed to tell you that
mom and dad didn't plan you

Priya
hahahahahaha

Brother
Now you're eating your own words. How do they taste? How do they taste, Priya?

Priya
LIKE SHAAAAAAME

And I begin to wonder if maybe it's a good thing there's someone else there to absorb some of the heat of being constantly judged by your parents. I decide that yes, it's probably a good thing there's someone to distract them. But only when it's convenient for me.

Priya
It tastes like the shame mom and dad must have felt when they found out you were going to be a boy

Things That Make Me Happy: AUDIBLE GASP

HOLY. SHIT.



Part of the joy I get comes out of the fact that Nosferatu and I apparently went to the same dance school. Also: the Criss Angel shirt and the Mindfreak poster, an upside down American flag, and Brad Pitt's Details cover on an otherwise basically bare wall. That's fucking weird. Who thinks Criss Angel is even close to - okay, yes, he was obviously vomited straight out of the bowels of Hell...I think I see where Nosferatu is coming from on this one. I also think Nosferatu is 15. And possibly gay.

Dear Nosferatu,

I love you. Never change. Ever.

Love, Priya

Things That Make Me Happy

NUMBER ONE: Canada Jokes

No, I don't mean the jokes where snotty Americans look down on Canada for being awesome (politeness/basic human decency, anyone? How about socialized medicine?). I mean jokes that are funny to Canadians. For example, I'm listening to a Bill Simmons podcast and he just said, "Man, Edmonton makes Winnipeg look like Montreal."