How to Never be Invited to Your Own Mother's Parties Again

She: "So what are your plans? You know, after school?"

K: "Well, I'm going to be in school for a while, if everything goes according to plan, so I have some time to think about the actual projected trajectory of my, like, career."

She: "No, I mean...are you going to get married soon? Are you seeing anyone?"

K: "I think I'm going to concentrate on my career for now."

She: "But...don't you want kids?"

K: "Right now? Not really. Maybe never."

She: "Never? Isn't that kind of...selfish?"

K: "Selfish...not really. I actually think it's the ones who procreate that are the selfish ones, you know, if you really consider WHY they have kids."

She: "..."

K: "Well, think about it. People want children because...they aren't concerned with or moved by the plight of a million starving orphans that are already born, they don't believe or don't care about the dwindling resources of the world in general, they want someone to love them unconditionally, they don't want to be forgotten when they die, they want someone to take care of them in their old age, they think babies are cute, they want a little version of themselves - because they think the world would really benefit if there was another person that looked exactly like them running around...So not only is it selfish, but it's kind of conceited too."

She: "...!"

K: "And on top of that, you want me to go on this little venture with a man? Seems like kind of a risky proposition to me. And everyone's all up in arms about the birth rate of today's youth - babies having babies and all that - but the real menace is the 'grown-ups' a lot of the time, don't you think? And all this noise about having kids, which is ostensibly about, like, creating something real out of the love you and your husband have for each other. I mean...love. I'm not convinced that love even exists, or at least not on the terms we've set for it as, um, a societal benchmark or catchphrase or whatever."

Mom: "Don't you have somewhere to be right now."

K: "As a matter of fact, I do. It was really a pleasure to meet you, ______. You have a beautiful family."