GROUPON CONSPIRACY

Do you guys buy Groupons? I mean...I know they're controversial but I forget why. I dunno man I just bought $200 worth of services for $35 (THIRTY FIVE DOLLARS) so I'll deal. Anyway at the bottom of Groupon pages they put these "witty" blurbs at the bottom and they're SO ANNOYING because the supposed hilarity of the text is very tempered by the fact that the content is WRONG. ALWAYS WRONG. I've already bitched about the one that they did about words Shakespeare invented (they included some words that Shakespeare DIDN'T invent AND gave faulty definitions for some words that he DID!). This one is in the same vein I guess...

What  bothers me about this is the fact that they include correct terminology but mix in INCORRECT TERMINOLOGY without labeling it as such! And people are SO STUPID already. The eggs as baby chickens one bothers me the most because it's so egregiously unfunny.

Wrong Foot

A bunch of the blogs I read have been doing "inspirational" posts to start off the new year. They're all pretty bad, but isn't this just the WORST FAKE INSPIRATIONAL BULLSHIT you have ever seen?

First of all, the quote is wrong. And second, "groud." WHY DON'T PEOPLE JUST FUCKING READ THEIR SHIT BEFORE THEY HIT PUBLISH GOOD CHRIST

Things That Make Me Angry: Men of the Public

I think my friends believe that I am too interested in male attention. I guess I do appear to be too susceptible to male charms...according to their perceptions, I'm sure, I'm toast the minute one tells me he thinks I'm pretty.

The truth of the matter is that, at best, men of the public bore me, and at worst, their complete lack of respect makes me want to casually shred them like so many pieces of blank paper. Men are blank paper, for the most part, completely oblivious to how aware I am of their pathetic, prehistoric methods. One of the most annoying manifestations of these methods is The Loyal Wingman. His repulsive cohort bothers my friend. I stand behind the cohort and mouth, "are you okay?" My intention is to leave them alone if she seems amused, but the TLW sees my interceptive activities and steps in to intercept me. "Hey! How ya doin'? Who are you here with? Whatcha drinkin'? Are you guys, like, sisters?" Yeah. Marion and I are sisters. Go jump off a bridge. Please. Do one good thing with your life and rid the world of your mouth-breathing, slow-blinking, waste of valuable resources body (I say "body" because this being clearly has no mind or true self, like one of the lower animals).

Men of the world, make no mistake. I see right through you. So please get out of my personal space with your false etiquette and "techniques". You do not charm me - you disgust me. You are less than my plaything; you are merely the hors d'oeuvre to what truly amuses me.

What truly amuses me is the chase, wherein you see yourself as the skillful pursuant, and the delicious finale, wherein I break that illusion. This is my universal approach. I don't love you. I don't even like you. In almost every case, I can hardly tolerate you, your presence, your very being, and it is only through measured breathing and unfaltering concentration on my goal that I can even manage to converse with you, or look at you, at all. Such is my distaste. The men in my life (that is, those who have been sanctified through my ritual caustic trials, men who have borne the adversity of knowing me and have maintained their intelligence, grace, and manners through it) have spoiled me for most others: the ones I have chosen maintain that title because they are proven to be the best of their kind. So to be confronted with the dregs of existence - like you - every day is a painful, shocking experience. To have to share the air with you causes me pain. Your having been born and allowed to continue living rapes my soul.

I think it is no wonder I want to end you. All of you. So stop talking to me, asking me, touching me. No.

Things That Make Me Angry: The Cougar

You guys, I have been seeing this ad everywhere online lately:



And it makes my skin crawl. I'm of the opinion that most women on Reality TV are kind of whores. I'm not being Angela Martin from The Office right now, guys - I don't automatically think that everything is "whorish". I do, however, believe that exploiting your own sexuality for money is merely an R-rated variant on the X-rated theme. How can she possibly feel good about herself? Can't she tell they're laughing at her for trying to be erotically attractive in her declining years? And if, for some reason, you don't think she's exploiting her sexuality...put her in a pantsuit and see what happens to her ratings/ your boner. Even if it's a sexy business-lady pantsuit and not a Laura Bush pantsuit.

LADY! They're called your declining years for a reason! YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE STRAW AND I CAN SEE YOUR CERVIX FROM HERE. Jesus CHRIST. Have a little self-respect! WOMEN.

Also: Vivica A. Fox is the host(ess) for this show. What the fuck, Vivica? You are better than this. YOU SAVED THE FIRST LADY'S LIFE ONCE.

Worst. Day. So Far.

It is almost 5pm, and I haven't gotten out of bed. I didn't take a shower, or brush my teeth, or wash my face, even. And I don't care what happens. My crazy neighbor came to my front door peddling some computer desk for $40 (that clearly wasn't worth the money), and I BOUGHT IT because I just couldn't be bothered to say no. In short, I have lost the will to live.

Why, oh why the lack of healthy vigor from you today, Priya? I hear you asking. And I shall tell you why. Yesterday I spent four hours trying to retrieve a car that I can't drive from the tow lot. That's right. The stupid car that I wish were dead got towed finally and I had to rescue it and drive it back, listening to its infernal death rattling all the way (it's 13 years old, is a stick shift, and everything inside it smells like boy ass and mechanical trouble)! But not before I took three trains (twice in the wrong direction, and then I got off too early and had to wait for the next one to get back on, so, SIX TRAINS), then walked for 40 minutes in the wrong direction because SEVERAL PEOPLE LIED TO ME when I asked about which direction in which to walk to get to Hope street, then had to pay for a taxi to take us the rest of the way because it was getting dark and it was just me and a skinny white guy (Shem) in Compton, and then gave some random dude my car keys and FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to get my car out of the lot. YEP. FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS. FOUR! HUNDRED! MOTHERFUCKING SHIT BLOWING DOLLARS. AND THEN I had to call my friend O and have him come down and JUMP the car because it DIED. AND THEN I had to have him drive slowly in front of me in case it died AGAIN. And then we were late to the David Cross show that we were supposed to go to, and what's more is that we were supposed to go to CHIPOTLE before the show and we DIDN'T GET TO DO THAT EITHER.

I am POSITIVE that I did not deserve any part of yesterday. I believe in Karma and everything, so, cool, but I AM A GOOD PERSON! Because I believe in being a good person. Did you know that I gave LOTS OF MONEY to Planned Parenthood last year? I just donated it! I didn't get anything except the knowledge that I was helping others in return! AND I sponsored a fucking CHILD in BELIZE OR SOMETHING. I don't deserve a medal or anything, I mean, it's not anything spectacular, it's not like I actually went to Belize or wherever and nursed that child back to health and educated it with my own two hands or anything. BUT I DO DESERVE TO JUST HAVE A NORMAL GODDAMNED LIFE WITHOUT SHIT ALL FALLING APART ON MY FACE EVERY DAY.

So now I am lying here and frowning with my arms crossed IN PROTEST of something that has already happened. I am pissed. So if you don't hear from me, it's because I'm angry. Just assume that I want to rip someone's larynx out, and unless you have heard explicitly otherwise in print, you will be correct.

Things That Make Me Angry

NUMBER SIX: Making my own blogger template.

IT'S NOT WORKING.

Things That Make Me Angry

Number Five: Parents Buying Their Daughters Breast Augmentation Surgeries

I just think that it's irresponsible parenting. Isn't it the job of parents to show their daughters that they're beautiful the way they are?
Watching girls be fucking stupid is one of the most profound pains I feel in life. Some people watch that, and then they think that all women are that way, and I know so many women who were taught and know that the best things about them are their intelligence, humor, and their compassion for others. Unfortunately, every time a girl's parents say yes to bigger boobs, they're sending the message to their daughter, and to their daughter's friends, that a man should talk to their chests because their faces have nothing important to say anyway. I can't get behind that, and I can't get behind the supposed "confidence boost" these girls get from the surgery. Read a book and surprise people for once!


Number Six: Bratz

Things That Make Me Angry

NUMBER FOUR: The Reebok "Run Easy" Ads.

I've been seeing these ads on bus stops all over the city and they aggravate my delicate sensibilities. I require that advertiesments convey that the writer/creator has a basic idea of English knowledge and at least an IQ of 100. I mean, average, right? It makes sense. But these ads don't.





I get the point that this ad is trying to convey, but It's bugging me that they put two plus signs, which is incorrect math-syntax, and that the button of this ad reads like "CRAZY RUN EASY", which means nothing. They're just three words in a row, two of which are a slogan that also means nothing.




...WHAT?!?!?!

POST SCRIPT: The website where I got these images explained the advertisment campaign a little bit, and now I kinda understand. The idea is to mock the atheletes that run beyond their capablities just for the sake of "beng tough" or whatever reason atheletes run after they throw up. The point is to exercise, but do it in moderation. And the "WHAT ARE YOU JUST DOING?" tagline apparently has to do with mocking Nike directly, since their slogan is "Just Do It." The problem is that when I read that line, the voice in my head had a fresh Indian accent, and I thought it was just an example of shoddy English. I believed that the fact that it had been approved, published, and distributed was a harbinger of the end of civilization and, eventually, the apocalypse. But no, it's just ultimately meaningless mudslinging between two multi-billion corporations.

I shoulda known.

Things That Make Me Angry

NUMBER TWO:

Scooter Libby? Prez Bush? Words fail me.

Second, District Judge Jeffre Cheuvront, of Nebraska, USA? Single-handedly re-enforcing stereotypes of the South, of men. In case you don't know what I'm talking about, Judge Cheuvront is the guy who banished the word "rape", among others, from his courtroom, basically saying that it was an emotionally charged word, rather than one based in fact, and that using it would suggest judgement before the trial was over. The fact that my learning about this happens to coincide with a particularly bad bout of PMS has nothing to do with how angry this makes me. Other insinuations of this ruling include the fact that women are, in fact, nothing more than men's property, to be had sex with at the man's will, that women walking around are actually in a constant state of acceptance of random guys' sexual advances.

Things That Make Me Angry

NUMBER ONE: The Apple iPhone.

You make me angry because you're working so many people into such a stupid fervor. It's 600 dollars up front. not to mention a contract of god-knows-what-cost with Cingular of all places. you defy all laws of logic (You're the first generation of your product! There are bound to be some pretty hairy system bugs) only to drag the proletariat - for whom you claim to streamline efficacy - into debt and self-loathing for the sake of a fad. Why else would I want to buy a phone that's also an iPod, when I already have one of each and they work fine? I've never really wished that I could make them each part of a hive mind. Maybe I'm alone on that.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

OhByTheWay,Bitch? You're not that cute.